Becoming An Idol Wasn’T On My Plan [EN]: Chapter 137

137.

I carefully took out a book from a corner of the bookshelf. It was clumsily bound, probably because I had it bound myself to give to my son. It was titled, ‘A Miserable Life, and Miserable Philosophy.’

How is it that you help your lacking son even after death?

One of the books my father published while lecturing at the university. I remember him smiling as he gave me the book, saying he had succeeded in writing it around the time I was born.

I slowly stroked the well-worn pages that I had read countless times when I was young.

My father, noticing I was a little smarter than others, used this book to show me his values, bare and unvarnished, step by step. From then on, the word ‘miserable’ became a habit. When my mother said that he was teaching the child something good, my father would smile and proudly reply, ‘All lives are destined to be miserable.’

I hadn’t opened this book since I sent Mok-hwa away, so it’s been about 15 years.

I got up from my seat and this time took out a worn-out music book from the bookshelf. A music book with my mother’s name on it. When I was young, I didn’t know much about music, but now that I engrave it line by line, I think I can see how she viewed the world with a cold eye. The music, which engraved the dark emotions that everyone has into sharp melodies, now tells me my mother’s values from the bare face.

These two so different people fell in love with each other. Even while walking together, my father would contemplate what the end of existence would be when he saw a falling leaf, and my mother would play the death of life.

A composer and a university lecturer. Looking back now, both had great aspects, but unfortunately, the world couldn’t contain all their talents. So, it wasn’t very affluent, but the warmth of the family is clearly remembered. Learning about the world under warm philosophers and cold composers was the greatest glory of my life.

“…Dad. Mom.”

The sensation of quietly uttering the words is unfamiliar. Come to think of it, I’ve called them Father and Mother since I was seven years old. And only then does their death vividly appear before my eyes. The fact that I had been trying to ignore since that day when I was young, the fact that I rationally understood but emotionally rejected, becomes clear.

Yes, now I could look at their deaths head-on. I didn’t have the *yeoyu* [emotional space/composure] to look at death when I was young, and I didn’t have the face to after sending Mok-hwa away.

I carefully shed a tear. The wailing I should have done when I was young eventually became a few lines of tears today.

Judith Butler said that my existence is the wound of others. It means that the concept of ‘I’ itself is an existence established by the influence of surrounding people such as family. All my life is ultimately filled with traces of those two. A few strangers in my life. The faces that make up me. Today, I reflect on those traces.

……Although it’s too sentimental. Just for today, in place of that day of childhood.

I open the book.

‘A miserable life flounders in too many ideologies. The freezing of nature makes us recognize the moment as eternity, distorting constant change. Our moment is refracting on those many distortions.’

My father was a warm person, but the sentences were sometimes excessively difficult. Perhaps this book was written only as he wanted, giving up all worries about money.

Under the sentences my father wrote, there is an interpretation written in my handwriting when I was young, slightly crooked and arbitrary. And next to it, there is my father’s answer or suggestion written on a post-it note. From the moment I didn’t suppress the memories of my father and mother, a strange warm sensation envelops my body.

* * *

Ryu Iden hesitated as he was about to enter Ji Dong-hwa and Chae Ha-min’s room. For some reason, he had a feeling that he shouldn’t burst open this door. The moment he carefully opened the door slightly and checked, he was so surprised that he almost screamed.

‘……He’s crying.’

He had never seen Ji Dong-hwa cry even once, so he shuddered slightly as if he had seen something bizarre.

‘Did he peek into the future for a moment?’

But if it were Ji Dong-hwa, he would look at the ceiling and immerse himself in thought to find a solution, but he would never cry.

He fell into deep *gomin* [worry/anguish] about whether to go in and comfort him, but Dong-hwa would probably want to be alone.

Ryu Iden came to a conclusion and sat quietly in front of the door. To prevent anyone from entering. He was just sorry that he wasn’t as smart as Ji Dong-hwa, so all he could do was this.

* * *

Chae Ha-min finished a long phone call with his father and returned to the *sukso* [dorm/lodging].

‘…Something feels empty.’

His father’s support felt excessively unfamiliar. It was clear that Dong-hwa had done something again, it was clear that he had persuaded his father somehow, but he couldn’t be called a friend if he always received help like this!

Chae Ha-min dug into his characteristic *ttanggul* [lit. tunnel, fig. a state of being withdrawn and brooding] for a while. He had taught Dong-hwa how to act, but that wasn’t a big help. He’s always just been a nuisance next to him, so is this okay? Countless thoughts passed through his head.

Chae Ha-min, who had many acquaintances but few close friends due to his righteous personality during his long trainee life, *gomin* [worried] about how he could repay Dong-hwa.

‘…Why is Iden *hyung* [older brother/male senior] there?’

But Chae Ha-min paused for a moment when he saw Ryu Iden sitting in front of his room doing a yoga pose that lifted his body with his arms.

‘He must have wanted to exercise in a different place!’

Chae Ha-min came to that conclusion and approached the door.

“Iden *hyung*, please move aside for a moment.”

“…No.”

Then Ryu Iden threw a short word in a lowered voice, explaining that Dong-hwa was crying inside.

“…Huh?”

Chae Ha-min also made an unbelievable expression like Ryu Iden and quietly sat next to Ryu Iden and buried his face in his knees.

‘Did my father, did my father lie?’

He clearly told me that he only talked about good things. Chae Ha-min is digging into the *ttanggul* [brooding] again like that.

“……*Hyungdeul* [older brothers/male seniors], 잠시 [a moment], ah, I think I know what’s going on.”

After Chae Ha-min sat in front of the door, Lee Hyun-jae, who had something to ask while studying, saw the atmosphere and roughly understood what was going on, so he sat next to Chae Ha-min and started studying. He didn’t say anything, but he thought there must be a reason why he shouldn’t go into the room.

“If you leave on-ly me out, I’ll be a lit-tle sad!”

Seok-jun came out to drink water and sat between Lee Hyun-jae and Ryu Iden because he thought it looked fun to be huddled together in front of the door.

In that way, all the members of Blossence except for Ji Dong-hwa sat in a circle in front of the door and did their own things. One was strengthening his arm muscles, one was doing a digging business [brooding], one was studying, and one was *deokjil* [fangirling/fanboying] with his phone.

* * *

After roughly *teol-eo-nae* [shaking off/releasing] all the emotions and feeling relieved, I opened the door to wash my face.

Then, the sight of the members sitting around and hurriedly raising their heads when I came out immediately caught my eye.

Did some kind of primitive religion take root in our group without me knowing? It’s a sight that would be fitting to call Gujiga [a Korean myth about welcoming a divine being].

“Do, Dong-hwa *hyung*, hello?”

Looking at Ryu Iden’s expression, it seems that he was planning to get up from his seat before I came out, but it all fell through because I came out quietly.

Miserable, I think I’ve been caught. The most reasonable answer is that Ryu Iden knew I was crying and stopped everyone.

“…What are you all doing here.”

So, let’s pretend I don’t know. Even I understand the me from before as a ghost from my childhood that has been revived, so it won’t be a big problem.

“Oh, the chair was too hard, so we were sitting on the floor and talking in a different way.”

“Ri, right, Dong-hwa.”

…Having just read the beautiful logic written by my father, all those words sound strange.

I looked at each person’s face and a smile leaked out. Well, whatever.

“…Then, I’ll sit down too.”

Horseshit has its own charm.

After I sat down on the floor, I could feel Ryu Iden looking at me with a dumbfounded expression. Ryu Iden saying with his mouth, ‘Your ears are so red!’ So I also replied with my mouth.

Shut up, puppy.

* * *

“If we do well with this album, we might be able to go abroad for a while.”

One topic is thrown out with Ryu Iden’s words during the floor roundtable. I didn’t know that what Chae Ha-min and I said while coming back would come back to reality so quickly.

“Um, but isn’t it a bit early?”

“Going abroad these days is *gwanrye* [custom/common practice], now.”

“…Well, I’ve seen a lot of *hyungdeul* [older brothers/male seniors] going abroad even though they haven’t properly established themselves in Korea.”

“So, it would be better to make this album a big hit if possible. We won’t be able to show our faces to Korean fans for a while.”

Even if you say that when the album is already finished, there’s nothing you can change, Iden *hyung*.

“…Oh, that was cool, *hyung*. I thought I was seeing you during your trainee days.”

Lee Hyun-jae says with a shy smile. I think that fox bastard cherishes Ryu Iden’s leadership the most.

“Ho, are we going to Japan by any chance? Then there’s an amusement park I definitely want to visit!”

We’re not going to play, Jun.

“The schedule hasn’t come out yet. But I think we’ll probably go to Japan? It’s the most *munanhan* [safe/unobjectionable] choice.”

Ryu Iden clapped the floor once with his palm and focused his attention.

“Anyway! Let’s work hard on this activity! The hiatus was a bit long! Let’s show a great *moseup* [appearance/image]!”

…Okay. It’s cheesy, but the words themselves are right, so let’s move on.

* * *

I was waiting at the shop while reading ‘A Miserable Life, and Miserable Philosophy.’ The roots of my gray-dyed hair had grown out black, so I was going to dye it again.

Today is the showcase day. The day the album is finally released and we meet the fans.

I’m more nervous than I expected. Filming, activities, and *jache kontecheu* [self-produced content] production have been steadily *jinhaengdwaetjiman* [progressing], standing on stage itself is *oraenmaninikka* [because it’s been a while].

The moment of receiving hot lights and cheers that seem to explode all over my body will probably not be *iksughaejiji* [become familiar] for quite a long time.

“Ugh, I’m nervous, Dong-hwa.”

“Jun *hyung*, can you give me some, some honey water? I think I’ll be really sad if I make a *ppiksa-ri* [mistake/blunder].”

“Hyun-jae! I brought the honey water you wanted!”

Members *hosohaneun* [appealing/expressing] their nervousness in the midst of the noisy situation. Lee Hyun-jae was even closing his eyes and muttering as if he was *sanoe* [brainwashing] that he shouldn’t make a mistake.

He’s probably doing that because he’s the only one in our group who has a history of *eumital* [vocal crack/off-key singing].

“Dong-hwa *hyung*, is your hair okay? You were in so much pain last time.”

But because of his position as leader, Ryu Iden was not completely nervous and continued to take care of the members while walking around.

“…Um, actually, I feel like I’ve lost sensation.”

To be honest, it’s so hot I could die. Miserable idol, if I keep dyeing my hair like this, I won’t have any hair left someday.

“Ugh, here, I bought the cookies you liked last time, so endure it while eating!”

Ryu Iden put a cookie in my arms and then immediately turned around again.

‘…Um, I hope this can be remembered warmly too.’

Thinking that, I put the book on the desk for a moment and took a bite of the cookie.

Very *gosohan* [savory/nutty] taste.