Becoming An Idol Wasn’T On My Plan [EN]: Chapter 174

174.

The prelude flowed, a part I wrote with care. What kind of song was Chae Hamin’s improvisation? It had the atmosphere of a chilly autumn morning, blankly drinking coffee while basking in the sunlight. Though Chae Hamin sang it forcefully, the melody itself was a song with the feeling of smiling while holding back tears.

Moreover, the lyrics were shockingly extreme. Although I’ve changed them a lot now, originally, they meant to die together.

So, I had this thought. In a relationship where they’ve already promised to die together, what would the remaining person feel if one person died first? Fulfilling the promise is problematic. The other person wouldn’t sincerely want that. In other words, taking one’s own life is meaningless.

But does that mean the promise spoken aloud disappears? If so, wouldn’t they wake up every morning and struggle to rationalize their life, which is still alive today, feel burdened by the morning sunlight, and then try to smile again?

…The song I wrote with those thoughts is this title track, ‘Time Waiting for You.’

The prelude mainly featured piano sounds. Of course, another line supports it in the background, but it only serves to make the piano line stand out more. A melody reminiscent of the paradoxical phrase ‘lonely happiness.’

The members were lying down, heads on each other’s legs. And Chae Hamin in the center rose, causing a ripple effect as they all stood up.

The dawn air is slightly chilly
The scent of dew makes me wait for you

When Chae Hamin sat down and gestured, Ryu Iden, sitting behind, pushed my back. Popping up, I walked to the side. Wouldn’t it look like someone taking a walk?

When I go to the cafe where I was always with you,
The scent of coffee reminds me of you

A pathetic guy. I thought that while singing the lyrics. But when I think about it, the things ‘I’ would do in the future are the most pathetic, so I can’t say anything. This feeling is probably self-loathing.

While thinking that, I turned around and saw the members already in formation, looking at me. As I started walking towards them, they turned their heads, giving off the nuance that I was not there.

And when I joined the formation, it led to Seokjun and Ryu Iden’s bridge.

Walking alone under the clear sky,
Suddenly, I see your shadow
If I close my eyes to the fact that it’s an illusion,
Suddenly, a smile blooms

Lee Hyunjae wrote the lyrics himself. He intended for ‘close my eyes’ to be interpreted differently depending on the listener, whether it’s an escape from reality or physically closing one’s eyes. Of course, to me, it sounded like an escape from reality. Illusions are sweet, so wouldn’t you turn a blind eye to the fact that it’s an illusion?

The song playing in the background had a bright atmosphere, but a subtly sad synth line was at its core. Seokjun and Ryu Iden did a pair dance, holding hands and dancing together before splitting to the sides, with Lee Hyunjae standing in between.

Every moment is time waiting for you for me
Will the thoughts of you in my head fade like falling leaves?
I can’t fall asleep and I’m awake at dawn
I want to close my eyes comfortably by your side

A clear voice. Lee Hyunjae’s voice reminds me of the autumn sky. I want to write a solo song for Lee Hyunjae someday; his voice is so good. How does that child understand the depth of emotion? The expression of trying to stay calm as he finishes with a peaceful smile is so beautiful.

Indeed, my student.

The, Time
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Personally, my favorite part. The synth and piano lines, based on the melody Chae Hamin sang, mixed and bounced around. There is no eternal relationship, but I tried to express the desire for it to be eternal. Perhaps because it was based on a past jazz band song, there was a subtle atmosphere where composure and urgency were mixed.

Tic, Toc
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

We danced in sync. A line that Chae Hamin and Ryu Iden choreographed together in the practice room when I stayed up all night in the studio. I’m against doing this much manual labor, but the other members made a fuss saying they didn’t want to make me suffer alone. Manual labor in this capitalist era? It’s too anti-historical.

When the group bowed after the group dance, only Seokjun stood.

Not peace on my mind, But only you
The reason I live even though I hate myself
There’s no point of living without you.
Yet the reason I live again

He practiced the gestures terribly while standing alone in front of the mirror, his hands clasped as if in prayer, a reverent expression, like a monk waiting for salvation.

When recording, I told him to sing with the thought, ‘You are my only salvation, but what if you are not under this sky? The reason I can live my whole life is because I am waiting for you, but what if you can’t come?’

He’s good at acting, trying to bring that to life in his gestures and atmosphere, and his face is handsome enough to be convincing. …How did such a guy go half-crazy?

Even while thinking this, my body remembers the choreography, so I naturally went to the center.

When I talk to a friend, your story suddenly comes up
When I’m buried in your memories, a smile suddenly blooms

Dancing with graceful lines and smiling brightly, I dropped my hand as if something suddenly came to mind. I turned around and walked, and Lee Hyunjae crossed paths with me. Among the other members’ choreography, it was as if the two people simply couldn’t see each other.

Every moment is time waiting for you for me
I want to close my eyes comfortably by your side

Ah, here it comes. My favorite part.

The, Time
Time Waiting for You
Tic, Toc
As time flows

The part that the entire A&R [Artists and Repertoire] team was puzzled about why it was so good even though it was unfamiliar. The cause of the Chae Hamin genius composer theory. This song was too good for a product of chance. After the chorus that repeats one more time, finally the end of the song. All the members lay down and collapsed as they did at the beginning, and I stood still alone.

Even if I try to close my eyes when night comes, (Tic)
Memories of you slowly approaching. (Toc)
I can’t close my eyes, so again this night (Tic)
Time Waiting for You. (Toc)

Before the stage goes dark, my face, which will be zoomed in on, will probably be smiling.

* * *

Meanwhile, a fan of Ji Donghwa was crying while checking the *jikcam* [fan-recorded video] on a small laptop monitor. As the video ended with Ji Donghwa’s part, she shed a tear.

“What is it! Why! Why! Why is this comeback such a *daebakgak* [a huge success]!”

Deprivation. Why did this happen when she failed to get a ticket for the showcase? As a fan, it’s good to see a *daebakgak*, but the sense of deprivation of not being able to see that *daebakgak* with her own eyes was even greater.

“So, my life is ruined, right?”

While making a small resolution, ‘Even if I ruin my grades, I’ll run to the scene first,’ she threw her phone.

― Hamin took a legend ㅅㅂ tore it up K-pop be nervous ― Is the dance line making sense? No, Hamin made a lot of the choreography directly on w app, is he a genius? ― Ha… ㅅㅂ… I’m dying… I’m dying here today… I made eye contact with Hamin today… I’m taking questions…

― Ah, you failed to get a ticket for the showcase, right?

― Ah… too bad! ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅌㅋㅋㅋㅌㅋ When the notification rang, she picked up the phone she had thrown and realized she had no choice but to throw it again.

There’s nothing to say. The end of a loser is just accepting reality or denying it and suffering endlessly.

“Accept it, me. Be strong, me.”

But for some reason, she was sure that she wouldn’t be able to see her phone properly today. She’ll probably be laughing happily and crying because she didn’t see this, and even anger from the relative deprivation she feels from other fans will be mixed in.

* * *

“Hyung, I’m here!”

After finishing the communication time with the fans at the showcase, Mokwha came into the waiting room.

“You must be busy, how did you come again?”

“Ah, practice is optional today… Haha.”

So you skipped out on practice, little brother.

Mokwha handed out drinks to the members and then quietly sat next to me.

“Hyung, hyung. You know a lot of composers, right?”

“I’m not close to them, but…”

I know them. I have to check frequently to see if their work overlaps with mine.

“Hyung really needs to stick close to Iden hyung and meet people…”

While taking a sip of his strawberry-flavored drink, Mokwha revealed the purpose of his visit.

“…Sinclair?”

“Yeah. No, we received the title track this time, and to be honest, the last album and follow-up song felt like something was missing.”

Oh dear, his self-assessment is too accurate. Moderate delusions would help with mental management.

“And?”

“And, the title track we got this time is so good.”

Thank you. But, they’re using it as the title track? Knowing that I sent it, why? Could Hwayang have helped? Providing an opportunity for competition is fine, but if she helped them win the competition, that’s a bit of a problem.

“So I’m curious. I can’t find anything even if I search. When I searched, I only found novels. I even went into SoundCloud, wondering if there was anything there, but there was nothing.”

“Mokwha, stalking is legally prohibited.”

“Hey, this isn’t even stalking in modern society. It’s not like I spied on their SNS [Social Networking Service] or found out their home address.”

You spy on my SNS and know my dorm address.

“Anyway, do you happen to know this person?”

“I don’t know them well, but I do know them.”

Ryu Iden, who is the only one who knows the truth ―I told him because he was curious― glared at me with a dumbfounded look. What are you looking at? Originally, all humans can’t understand themselves well.

“Wow… hyung looks so cool? Please let me get close to this person. I feel like I have to kneel and beg them to thank them for the song and ask them to write another one next time.”

“Um, I don’t know if it’ll work because they’re quite busy, but okay. I’ll try to set up a meeting.”

“I’m glad I have you, hyung. I’m going to make connections like this too! I’m going to get songs from composers and succeed!”

“That’s a good ambition. But that composer’s personality is a bit bad, are you okay with that?”

“…Huh?”

Mokwha stared blankly at me. Why, like he heard something he shouldn’t have.

“It’s not like hyung to badmouth someone… that’s strange.”

Oh dear, he’s quick-witted only at times like this. I just smiled and stroked Mokwha’s head once.

“That’s how it is when you’re worried about your younger sibling.”

“Um, well… something’s suspicious, but I don’t know what’s suspicious, so I’ll bear with it.”

Even while saying that, Mokwha’s suspicious gaze didn’t disappear until he left. After Mokwha left on the way home, Ryu Iden chuckled and opened his mouth.

“Donghwa hyung, is it really necessary to hide it from Mokwha?”

“Because it seems fun.”

“Sometimes when I see you, you have a mischievous side.”

“Ah, hyung.”

“Why, hyung.”

“It seems like an incident is about to happen, so check if there’s anyone you want to cut ties with.”

I said that and pondered how to shred the bundle of paper I had in my possession.