Becoming An Idol Wasn’T On My Plan [EN]: Chapter 349

I sat in the chair.

Shining lights, the cheers of people, and Ji Dong-hwa confidently walking to receive an award filled the screen.

His gaze was unwavering, his back straight, and his smile seemed indifferent but subtly revealed inner joy. He was radiant.

He was worthy of being the one who fulfilled my long and arduous obsession. If there was a protagonist in my story, it should be him.

I would have been happy to spend the rest of my life as an observer. Rather, I excluded other options myself.

Unlike a failing story, a person’s life doesn’t conveniently end. Fortunately, my circumstances were different. The moment Ji Dong-hwa’s biography ends is the end of my life.

When I was young, my parents were the protagonists of my life, then Ji Mok-hwa, and then Ji Dong-hwa took the protagonist’s seat.

However, that’s only natural. Whether it’s my parents, Mok-hwa, or that human on the stage making eye contact with the people around him, they are all people worth dedicating a life to.

I recalled the moment I was born. It was a moment that even Ji Dong-hwa couldn’t fully remember with his brilliant mind, but it was vivid to me.

In a strange and hazy moment, I was only imprinted with the fact that someone picked me up. Following the instinct of life, I felt overwhelming fear towards the being holding me, but it didn’t take long to realize that the touch was friendly.

That’s how I grew up as a child who cried little.

The house was warm and cool. After reading several books in my father’s study, I realized that the warmth and coolness were created by their efforts. I cried even less.

I realized exactly around the age of four that raising someone was arduous.

Watching Mok-hwa, who was a baby who cried often unlike me, I wondered if there could be such a small, cute, yet troublesome creature in the world. It was an enlightenment triggered by a short thought: ‘I’m also such a helpless creature…’

‘Aren’t we troublesome to raise?’

‘……What did you read to him? I told you to do something about those strange books in the study.’

‘……There wasn’t anything strange.’

‘Can I ask why you thought that, Dong-hwa?’

My mother picked me up.

‘I’m curious too.’

My father came closer.

Isn’t this scene the basis for that? A being who knows nothing, so you have to teach them one by one from the beginning. They can’t judge for themselves what is right or wrong.

‘If we look at it that way, Dong-hwa can never be troublesome. Unlike your father, he’s smart.’

‘……Honey, it’s true, but I’m hurt.’

‘Dong-hwa, you’re never troublesome.’

The sense of stability that came from that was something that I, as a child, couldn’t properly put into words.

After that day, I acted as if understanding my parents was the purpose of my life. I delved into their lives, avidly reading the diaries they left behind. I read books that studied the psychology between children and parents, and I had many conversations with my parents.

‘What if I was adopted? Would it still be the same?’

The basic of basics when having these kinds of discussions is thought experiments. I learned it from my father.

‘Well, I can’t say for sure because I haven’t experienced it, but it probably would have been.’

My father pondered as if he was used to it.

‘I don’t know if this is the kind of conversation that parents and children should be having, but if it was my decision, I would have been the same.’

My mother nudged my father’s side and answered.

‘…That’s, amazing.’

And I was simply amazed to see my parents affirming that it would have been the same even if we weren’t blood-related.

‘I’m also amazed when I look at you. How can you fit all that in this little head…’

‘Isn’t he cynical because he takes after you, honey?’

‘He’s in the habit of thinking because he takes after you.’

‘…Is that bad?’

If there is a conviction that something is wrong, it must be corrected. I learned it from my mother.

‘That’s why you’re more lovable every day, Dong-hwa.’

‘……Mom too, is like that.’

In conclusion, I didn’t understand at all. I only felt that the two of them loved each other very deeply.

However, when my parents passed away, when I hugged Mok-hwa, who was still bewildered and unable to grasp the situation, I had achieved my first goal.

Isn’t this the feeling my parents felt? I couldn’t argue that it was someone else’s heart, but I realized it illogically.

Just like my parents, the realization that I would have had the same enlightenment even if I was adopted and not blood-related was like fire.

The realization that this child was the result of my parents’ love for each other fueled it.

The belief that if someone had to live spitting blood, I hoped it would be me became the firewood that would keep that fire burning forever.

‘…Hyung [older brother], why?’

‘Well.’

‘Is something wrong?’

‘……Yeah, want to sit here? I think I need to tell you a long story.’

Finally, the conversation that Mok-hwa doesn’t even remember became a firm promise to make you happy.

That’s how the second purpose of life was created.

This is an area that Ji Dong-hwa also remembers, and the achievement of the goal is a failure.

The reason is that I was weak. Or because the predetermined order was so. Of course, blaming the order is a cowardly act.

The next page is life here.

I, like a bug, couldn’t do it, but the goal was to make Ji Dong-hwa able to do it, and the result is a success.

Strictly speaking, it’s a history riddled with failures, but under the revised plan, it’s a success.

“In the end……”

In all of this story, I failed to seize the center. More precisely, I had no desire to do so. Nevertheless, the fact that I am satisfied without a single regret clearly indicates that I am mentally deficient.

However, wanting to be someone like my parents to someone is a desire from the age of four that even Ji Dong-hwa doesn’t clearly remember.

Therefore, if this is the cause of the mental defect, it must be accepted.

I looked back on all the past and organized it. Regaining emotions is a real problem in times like these. Because the time spent in thought sometimes prevents me from handling things efficiently.

‘Hyeon-jae, are you okay?’

‘…Yes. Ah, I shouldn’t cry.’

Lee Hyeon-jae is holding the trophy tightly with both hands. An object that proves that they have received more love from people than other groups within a certain period.

However, what would Ji Dong-hwa see in that object? He wouldn’t feel the base satisfaction that comes from comparison with others.

Perhaps, time.

Ji Dong-hwa loves when the concept of time solidifies into a physical form. Therefore, he might be satisfied looking at that metal lump, whether it’s plated or painted, and seeing ‘the time spent together by the five of us.’

If observed only superficially, it might seem worthless.

Time is value-neutral, so an individual thrown into an empty white room with a can of paint, diligently applying color, is not a particularly valuable act in the eyes of a third party.

However, it can’t help but be different for that person.

They will be bothered by poorly painted spots, lose themselves for a moment in beautifully drawn landscapes, and repeat each brushstroke.

Whether they give up and put down the brush, sigh because they lack a certain color, or someone from the next room suddenly bursts in and throws a can of paint, the fact that the room is entirely their own is a frightening thing. It’s even more so because they never asked for permission to be pushed into the room.

─Wow, where should we display this?

─I heard our Silver Town has an exhibition hall.

─There? Should we? Oh my, what should we do, Dong-hwa!

─What.

─No, aren’t you excited? Like, when we start displaying the things we’ve received one by one in the exhibition hall!

─……That, that would be nice.

Therefore, let’s capture all these moments with my own eyes.

The meaningless process that the protagonists of my story are walking through. The many records that adorn the screen.

The countless monitors in front of me. Each of the monitors spread out in the infinitely close spacetime that I directly expanded was recording the lives of all the creatures in the spacetime managed by the Foundation as short lines.

If you can’t decide even the type of brush and paint to use in the room, at least let the brushstrokes be according to that person’s will.

Line by line, I strained my brain and stored everything.

‘…I wonder if there’s any meaning to this.’

The cat purring next to me suddenly chimed in.

‘…Me too.’

The fox chimed in too.

In fact, there is no meaning at all.

However, there is nothing set in stone now.

When spacetime reaches its end and starts again, a completely different story will unfold, so these are stories that will disappear someday.

That’s why I want to remember them more.

* * *

A snake passed away. It was just a snake that lived in a mountain in Chilgok-gun [county], Gyeongsangbuk-do [province].

‘…Teacher, you need to rest.’

‘I know.’

My mind is a little hazy. There’s no particular reason, it’s just that it happened because I kept shoving too much in without resting.

‘You say you know, but you don’t rest?’

Ji Dong-hwa is currently gathered at the Silver Town, chatting to send Ryu Iden to the military.

─Cutting his hair might suit him better.

─Are you saying he’s handsome?

─Nonsense.

It’s so trivial.

* * *

Rodent-proof trash cans and lethal drugs were spread throughout New York, killing a large number of rats. Watching the monitors turn off one after another, I just remembered them.

On the other hand, Ji Dong-hwa gathered with others at the Cafe of Prophecy. It was a religious gathering that worshiped Ji Dong-hwa as a god.

─Now, finally! Our Dong-hwa’s solo album has been released, everyone! Applause!

─Hyung [older brother], stop being so dramatic.

─Even all the songs on the solo album are self-composed! There are seven songs on the album, all of which are thank you messages written for meaningful people like the members or Mok-hwa! The person we serve is so great!

─Will I ever be able to have my name on there?

─Quiet, squirrel. Who knows how long it will take for another solo album to come out.

─The songs are all good. But are you really not going on music shows?

─It’s a bit much to do just one song. Instead, I might hold a free concert.

─Will the company allow that?

─……Hyung [older brother] Jun-sung, didn’t you allow it yourself?

─Well, hyung [older brother] is also a director.

It’s still trivial.

* * *

After a long time, sitting in a chair teaching Ji Dong-hwa and stroking the animals, nothing died today. Instead.

‘Teacher.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Let’s all sit together.’

‘…Should we?’

It’s a humble way to prepare for the end. I got out of the chair, hugged the fox, and sat on the floor.

All the other animals also came to my side and quietly rubbed their faces against me.

‘Hwa, can I pet you today?’

‘…Okay.’

Carefully placing my hand on the cat’s face, I stroked it. And then in turn, one by one, everyone.

─Foundation.

[Did you call?]

─……Sorry.

As a result, I didn’t know all the ways to remember me. I stroked the fox’s head so it wouldn’t get angry or depressed.

It was impossible from the start. Because I didn’t teach them on purpose. It’s cowardly and petty, but it couldn’t be helped to achieve the plan.

[So wouldn’t it have been better to tell the teacher, ‘I was wrong,’ earlier?]

It’s peaceful.

I hugged the fox tightly.

‘Are you sad?’

‘Yes.’

‘I’m sorry. I’m quite happy.’

Finally, it’s over. This long and arduous life.

‘Originally, I would have left alone and lonely.’

In the most ideal way that I could dream of.

‘I can also hear you guys crying.’

What meaning would there be? Sentences that will disappear anyway. But that wasn’t important to me, who had dedicated the past few decades to meaningless things.

‘Teacher.’

‘Yeah, Hyeon.’

‘I could never understand you throughout my life.’

‘……I know.’

It would be a lie if I said I wasn’t sorry.

‘Teacher, you won’t be able to understand me throughout your life either.’

I smiled brightly and buried my face in the fox’s neck.

How cute. What should I do? If there’s any regret, it’s that I won’t be able to see these things again.

I picked them up one by one again and engraved the feel of their fur, the shape of their eyes, and their size. How frightening meaninglessness is.

The information is already overcrowded. My brain felt like it was about to explode, but I forcibly held onto all the information.

I cherished that world, and I loved these beasts even more than that. They are children who could be called my own. The kindergarten teacher I chose as a joke, maybe that’s my true calling.

The approaching end could be seen through the screen. Mok-hwa was holding Ji Dong-hwa’s hand tightly.

A person’s life is setting, but it will start again here.

I closed my eyes and hugged all the animals tightly.

‘Even if you don’t remember, get along well with Ji Dong-hwa.’

With that short word as the last, I recognized that my consciousness was turning off.

* * *

‘What is this? This tremor like an earthquake of magnitude 2.’

I struggled to open my eyes to the shaking that was too weak to be unpleasant and too strong to be ignored. But it wasn’t easy because of the warm blanket.

‘Dong-hwa, are you okay?’

A faint voice that couldn’t be heard. I jumped up from my seat. Why, how.

‘……Chae Ha-min?’

‘Ah! You know my name! I thought you wouldn’t.’

A foolish smile, always beyond the screen……

No, how…, how.