Becoming An Idol Wasn’T On My Plan [EN]: Chapter 22

22.

“…So, you’re saying I’m the most popular?”

“Yes.”

“…And the basis for that is your own statistical analysis?”

“It’s not exactly accurate enough to call it ‘statistical analysis,’ but I’ve been watching with my own eyes.”

To summarize Lee Hyunjae’s words, I have an overwhelming amount of mentions on social media and online communities, most of which are positive. Considering that internet voting will play a significant role in selecting the eliminated contestants this time, my chances of being eliminated are very low.

‘…I’ve been living in denial.’

At first, when the reactions were good, I modified the lyrics and pushed the nerd image after it was revealed that I was from Korea University, naturally expecting the fans’ reactions to cool down. Also, I subconsciously believed that I would be eliminated because my personality is terrible and my face isn’t particularly handsome.

But now that my debut is almost confirmed, why… am I feeling good?

If it were me before participating in the survival show, I would have wanted to avoid debuting and would have been contemplating leaving the show, so why?

I even feel relieved.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had no idea what I’m thinking.

I decided to put my thoughts aside for a moment and spoke to Lee Hyunjae, who had been waiting for me for a long time.

“…Are you far from the debut team, then?”

Lee Hyunjae pondered and then…

“Wouldn’t Hyunjae, Hyunjin, and Woojin *hyung* [older brother/male honorific] have the highest chances of being eliminated?”

There’s a hint of gloom in his tone. Still, this stage concept is enough to attract people’s attention to Lee Hyunjae and Kim Hyunjin, so even if they are eliminated, they won’t leave after a disappointing performance.

I take a sip of coffee and ask Lee Hyunjae.

“…Why did you decide to become an idol?”

“I wonder… I started as a trainee when I was too young……”

Then Lee Hyunjae takes a sip of the coffee in his hand, leans back on the sofa, and starts to think.

“…I just remember feeling loved.”

…Love, the same reason as that kid.

“…By the singers?”

“…Yes, my parents didn’t really pay much attention to me when I was young. Even now, they only talk about studying, and well, I don’t feel like they love me.”

I can’t expect him to understand even if I tell that to an orphan who lost his parents at the age of nine, but I feel sorry.

“So, I ended up watching TV alone at home a lot, and it seemed like the singers were receiving a lot of love.”

…Damn it, this is a bit heartbreaking.

“I thought, I want to be loved too. It would have been better if I had at least one friend, but I had very few friends back then and now. It was even worse back then. So… with that vague thought, I remember begging them for the first time to let me become a singer, to let me become a trainee.”

Well, considering that he’s the most similar to me in terms of personality, it’s not surprising that he doesn’t have any friends.

“…What about now?”

“Even now… I don’t think my thoughts have changed.”

Lee Hyunjae says that and smiles.

“You told me before that the most important thing in the world is yourself, right?”

“…Yeah.”

“I suddenly realized that I want my precious self to be loved.”

And Lee Hyunjae takes another sip of coffee.

“Of course, I know now that celebrities don’t only receive love, but still.”

No wonder he always had his phone in his hand whenever he was resting, checking social media, and carefully reading every word his fans were saying.

I can’t say anything and take a sip of coffee.

“What about you, *hyung*?”

And at that moment, I felt like the fog in my head was clearing.

“…Because of the amnesia, I don’t even know why I originally wanted to become a singer.”

Lee Hyunjae is startled, probably hearing it for the first time. Chae Hamin and Ryu Ideun must be keeping their mouths shut.

“I participated in this survival show following Chae Hamin right after experiencing amnesia, but there’s a new reason that’s come up.”

…Yeah, I finally understand. The reason why I didn’t consider leaving the show even after hearing that my debut was almost confirmed, and why I felt relieved instead.

“What is it?”

“…I enjoy composing, and… this time, I want to make it happen for them myself.”

Lee Hyunjae looks at me with an expression that says, ‘What the hell are you talking about?’

“And if possible, I want to watch over them from the side.”

He still had that ‘What the hell are you talking about?’ expression, but unfortunately, I had to finish my work, so I couldn’t talk about it for long.

“…I’ll tell you in detail later.”

After sending Lee Hyunjae out, I sink into thought in the studio.

About why I, who used to be reluctant to get involved in other people’s lives, decided to help those who are struggling to become singers as much as possible, and about the memories that I was intentionally suppressing.

* * *

“*Hyung*!”

I, at the age of thirteen, stopped by the library and was returning to my parents’ house, which was my inheritance, holding the hand of a child.

“…Why?”

“I’m going to be a singer.”

“…Why?”

“Because people give you so much love!”

The child skips cheerfully and speaks brightly. And I, who was young but cynical about reality, and who had no knowledge about becoming a singer, replied.

“Wouldn’t that cost a lot of money?”

And probably in my head, I was thinking about how much I could spend each day for 10 years with the money in my bank account.

And after returning home, I only prepared food for the child, and ignoring the question of why the *hyung* wasn’t eating, I went to a PC cafe [internet cafe] with the saved food expenses and searched for ways to become a singer.

And after finally checking the costs of vocal academies and dance academies, I returned home and racked my brain while looking at the monthly expense plan I had written up to 10 years in the future, wondering where I could save money.

‘If the support money stays at the current level every month, if I only eat one meal a day, roughly… I can get a part-time job when I’m over fifteen…….’

At that time, I heard the sound of the child running into my room, and I quickly hid the expense plan in the drawer. Because I believed that it was too harsh of a reality to show the child.

“Donghwa *hyuuung*!”

“…Why, Mokhwa.”

“I want to eat ice cream, I do!”

I paused the sigh that was about to come out and took a thousand *won* [Korean currency] bill out of the drawer, thinking that I could provide both ice cream and the academy if I starved all day tomorrow, and put it in the child’s hand.

“…Aren’t you eating, *hyung*?”

“…Yeah. You eat it deliciously. And when you buy it and watch TV, you have to watch it for only 30 minutes.”

“Okay!”

I forced myself to hold back my hungry stomach and watched the child smile, and I think I was happy.

* * *

Damn it.

Having thought that far, I breathed roughly and heavily. Some memories, just recalling them, can make you feel like you’ve swallowed a razor blade, making it difficult.

If that triggers guilt, even more so.

‘I didn’t want to feel like this… that’s why I suppressed it.’

I had suppressed what had been trying to surface from time to time since participating in the survival show, but because Lee Hyunjae’s reason for wanting to become a singer was the same as that child’s, the memory suddenly surfaced so vividly.

Yeah, humans are so cunning.

Just because it’s a difficult memory, I can even turn away from the memory of my only blood relative.

‘…But I don’t have the confidence to recall anything after that.’

I must not regret it. I don’t deserve it, I don’t.

Even if contact with that child was cut off because of me, even if that child was adopted into another family, I must not regret it.

‘…So damn cunning.’

Even so, I’m now trying to help trainees like Chae Hamin, Ryu Ideun, and Lee Hyunjae in my own way, overlapping them with that child, I’m so cunning.

But even if this is… just a paltry act of self-deception, this time, I want to watch over them from the side.

It’s ridiculous to have these feelings for guys who have already grown up on their own, but even so.

“To do that, I have to finish the arrangement first.”

I cleared my head and put my hand on the mouse.

* * *

When I returned with the song after managing to finish the arrangement, they were practicing the choreography led by Chae Hamin.

“…Didn’t you guys sleep?”

“No! How could we sleep when *hyung* is staying up all night!”

At Kim Hyunjin’s energetic appearance, I suppressed the memories that were trying to surface again. Clear your head and look ahead.

“Donghwa? Are you okay?”

…It showed on my face.

“…I stayed up all night. Listen to the song.”

The sound of stringed instruments echoes among those sitting around.

The guys, who had been listening to the song silently for a while, applauded when the song ended.

“Wow, Donghwa, the atmosphere is great!”

“It’s less rough than the original, but the somewhat sad atmosphere is stronger.”

While Chae Hamin and Lee Hyunjae added their comments, Kim Hyunjin nodded, expressing his agreement.

“…That’s right, it might change since it’s the first round, but I was trying to create a feeling like a wounded boy.”

“Then we need to revise the choreography a bit too.”

“Right?”

While Chae Hamin and Kim Hyunjin were quickly adjusting the choreography, I went to Lee Hyunjae and started talking about the vocal parts.

“I’m thinking of adding a howling-like high note.”

“Howling?”

“Yeah, a wolf’s howl. You’re the only one among us who can handle that range, and I’m planning to make it a highlight.”

“I’d love to if I can.”

Lee Hyunjae nodded urgently, as if he was hooked on the word ‘highlight’.

And I also went to the two who were revising the choreography and conveyed my opinions on the part distribution that I had thought of during the arrangement. Kim Hyunjin nodded, and Chae Hamin listened to the story and then carefully asked me.

“Donghwa, if we do this… won’t your part be too small?”

I heard I’m popular.

…I want to be with you, not look down on you from the position of first place.

“…I’m okay.”

Chae Hamin was momentarily taken aback by my firm expression, but nodded as if there was no other way.

* * *

While I was focusing on refining the arrangement all night again today, Chae Hamin came to find me.

“Donghwa, do you have some time?”

“…Why?”

“No, um…….”

Chae Hamin, sitting on the sofa, hesitated for a moment as if wondering how to start the conversation, and then asked.

“Is something wrong?”

I tried to be careful.

“…Did it show?”

“Yeah, you seem more tired than usual today, and you’re talking more than usual, too.”

…Why is talking a lot a problem?

“…Some memories came back.”

To be exact, it’s that I’ve come face to face with the memories I intentionally turned away from.

“Memories?”

I nodded.

“Are they bad memories?”

I’m troubled.

Is it a bad memory to have my only blood relative adopted into another family, or is it a good memory?

When I was silent, Chae Hamin hesitated for a moment and said.

“Maybe… you don’t want to debut anymore?”

“…No.”

“I was a little strange because you were pushing all the parts to us, Donghwa.”

“To be honest, I hope that even one more of you can debut than me.”

Then Chae Hamin was shocked and said.

“…Why do you think that way?”

I organized my thoughts and answered.

“Because you guys seem more desperate than me.”

And after drinking some water to moisten my throat, I added a word.

“But selfishly, I also want to debut because the stage and composing are fun, and also because I think you guys will shine on stage with my song. Even though I’m not desperate for the debut itself.”

Yeah, composing is fun. Arranging is the same. But above all, being able to help the dreams of those who are desperate with my abilities is an even sweeter feeling.

Let’s admit it, I’m a disgustingly self-deceptive and selfish piece of trash, and I’m trying to gain satisfaction by helping them with their debut and subsequent success, that is, by doing what I couldn’t do for that child.

Because of that greed, even now that I’ve roughly deduced the reason for the space-time travel, I’m still sticking to the survival show, and that’s why I’m taking away a spot that someone else could debut in.

Chae Hamin listened to my words quietly and then answered.

“Donghwa, wouldn’t that be selfish?”

“…Why?”

“Um, if that’s selfish, then I’m selfish too. Because I want to debut because it’s fun to be on stage and I’m happy to be able to dance.”

I quietly look at Chae Hamin.

“So, you and I are both trying to debut because of our own desires, so there’s no reason to be selfish, right?”

I realize that I don’t have any words to refute and remain silent.

“I don’t know what memories you’ve regained. But I want to debut with you.”

I was unfamiliar with the pure affection that Chae Hamin was conveying. Someone’s interest and affection are too unfamiliar to me.

“Why… why?”

Then Chae Hamin slowly pondered and opened his mouth.

“Um, at first, I wanted to because I felt sorry for just watching you get bullied, but now, I just think it would be so great to be on stage with a good friend like you!”

A friend, a friend. Yeah, Chae Hamin is a good friend.

I smiled quietly and nodded.

Thanks to the space-time transition, I’m newly realizing things.

From the trivial fact that I enjoy composing, to my sins that I tried to ignore, and even the emotional stability that the existence of a friend conveys.

I’ve come to know things that I didn’t know in the previous world.

I still answered with a smile.

“…Yeah, let’s debut together if possible.”