Becoming An Idol Wasn’T On My Plan [EN]: Chapter 283

An awkward atmosphere hung in the car.

After what happened that morning, we’d hurriedly left the dorm, leaving the situation unresolved and subtly tense.

“Wow, it’s already the last week… It went by too fast.”

“I know. I really like this album.”

“There’s a follow-up song planned, so, you know.”

We were having the same conversation as usual, but unlike usual, we were subtly watching each other.

It wasn’t harmful, but it was unsettling, like having a fly buzzing around the room – a subtle discomfort lingered.

Even when we arrived at the salon and got our styling done, the tension remained.

If you were to pick the member least likely to get into fights in Blossence, everyone would pick Ryu Iden.

Lee Hyunjae and Seokjoon often bickered because their tastes, personalities, and values were completely different. Ji Donghwa and Chae Hamin occasionally became awkward, usually depending on Chae Hamin’s emotional state.

But this morning, an unprecedented situation had occurred.

Even though Ryu Iden had cried several times because of group matters, no one had ever seen him cry because of personal issues.

Rather than arguing with the members, Ryu Iden usually backed down quickly. The fact that Ryu Iden had argued with Ji Donghwa that morning and *cried* was astonishing!

The members watched them and thought:

“Wow, they just made eye contact and awkwardly turned their heads, Hyunjae.”

“I saw it too, hyung [older brother or male friend].”

It was exciting.

The assumption that their relationship would be broken wasn’t even on their minds. They were just relaxed, like viewers watching a traffic accident video and discussing who was more at fault.

It was a rare amusement to enjoy after being exhausted from practice and schedules, so the three of them enjoyed it to the fullest.

“Donghwa hyung is 100% at fault. Definitely.”

“Actually, I think so too. If Iden hyung is crying…”

“Hmm, well, I don’t know.”

“Could there be other possibilities?”

“If hyung is crying to that extent, I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault.”

Lee Hyunjae was deeply impressed by Chae Hamin’s words.

“Well, if Donghwa hyung was at fault and that’s why he’s acting like that, he would have vented his anger. Hamin hyung hasn’t seen Iden hyung angry, right?”

“No.”

At those words, Seokjoon trembled as if he had PTSD.

A sly smile completely erased, eyes trembling with anger that seemed to swallow everything, yet a calm voice.

Seokjoon, who clearly remembered all of that, didn’t want to see that 모습 [moseup – Korean for ‘appearance’ or ‘sight’] again.

“We went back after having a one-on-one conversation in the practice room, completely changed, and we couldn’t even breathe properly for a day. That’s when I felt a murderous aura for the first time.”

However, for Lee Hyunjae, that moment was also the moment he began to admire him.

Seeing Ryu Iden smiling with a calm voice even though he was so angry and exuding a murderous aura, he thought he was amazing.

“Wow… I want to see that too.”

“I know. I want to see it again after a long time. It’s endearing, I miss it. I guess I’m really getting old.”

Seokjoon wondered what these two were talking about. However, he couldn’t say that he didn’t want to see it again, so he carefully chimed in.

“You’re still young.”

In the battlefield where Ji Donghwa was constantly looking for the timing to talk to Ryu Iden, and Ryu Iden was stealthily avoiding Ji Donghwa because he was still ashamed of what happened that morning, the three of them were just excited.

* * *

As soon as the pre-recording ended, Ryu Iden slowly increased his pace.

Ji Donghwa, who he met on stage, mouthed ‘Need to talk,’ but he was still not over the shame.

*Ah, how did I, who never knew shame in my life, end up like this?*

*I used to cry confidently and demand things clearly, but what happened? In front of my younger brother, I was whining and acting like a child… I always wanted to be mature in front of the members, but I completely failed.*

Ryu Iden, who was quickly running away, thought so, and then…

Thud. Someone grabbed his shoulder.

A head turning as if creaking.

“Where are you going?”

Ji Donghwa was wearing a pleased smile, as if conscious of the surrounding gaze.

“We need to talk.”

Ryu Iden also smiled appropriately.

“Haha, of course.”

But inside, he wanted to shout for Ji Donghwa to give him a little more time.

“But, hyung, shouldn’t we know where we’re going before we go?”

However, Ji Donghwa didn’t say anything and grabbed his shoulder from behind, pushing him forward for a while before stopping in front of their car.

“Well, let’s go in there, our Iden.”

The only blind spot in the broadcasting station.

*Ha, that’s a slaughterhouse, that place.*

Ryu Iden moved his feet, resigned to die with dignity in the end.

Ji Donghwa followed right after he got in.

As soon as Ryu Iden sat down, he despaired, pressing only the tips of his fingers on his hairline so that his makeup wouldn’t be ruined.

*It’s only been a few hours since I made a dark history, and now I’m one-on-one again…*

“Why did you bring me here…? Are you trying to make fun of me?”

“…I was a little embarrassed in the morning, but I was grateful.”

“For what?”

Ji Donghwa threw it out as if asking what was obvious.

“It sounded like our members are as precious to you as your dream.”

Ryu Iden felt goosebumps on his arm.

*That Ji Donghwa, saying these words.*

Ryu Iden’s mouth was involuntarily opened, and his head was involuntarily raised because he was so dumbfounded.

He carefully glanced at Ji Donghwa’s face. Ji Donghwa looked like he was about to throw up.

A sigh of relief immediately came out.

*Yeah, that’s Ji Donghwa. That’s the younger brother I know.*

*He’s not a hyung to me; he’s always been a younger brother. A younger brother who is more like a hyung than I am, so I want him to rely on me.*

“That’s right, I cherish you a little.”

“…As a mistake.”

“Not just you, all the members.”

So, for Ryu Iden, the past that Ji Donghwa said casually was so sad.

He said he was going to die quietly alone, but to say that casually… I couldn’t figure out what he was thinking, what time he was spending, and what he thought of himself.

So, at one time, Ji Donghwa didn’t hesitate to use himself like a piece on a chessboard, and our success was partly thanks to that.

Ryu Iden was so angry that he couldn’t stand it, at himself.

“So, please don’t think like that again.”

Ji Donghwa nodded silently.

The expression that he finally realized the secret of the morning… I wanted to hit him.

“…Okay, that’s enough. As you said, it’s a changed thing.”

Of course, that didn’t mean he forgave himself.

Ryu Iden felt like he was going to die because he was annoyed that he had given up everything and lived as he pleased. If he was going to live like that, he should have saved Ji Donghwa; he’s trash.

“So, I want you to help me a little, hyung.”

*This must be the main point.*

“With what?”

“I’m going to tell the other kids too.”

“Seokjoon and Hyunjae?”

“Yeah, I can’t talk objectively when I talk about my story. It’s hard to change old habits.”

Ryu Iden nodded silently. He could see that the words ‘So, I told you first’ were omitted.

In other words, he’s asking me to help so that the other members don’t get sad.

“How can I help you? I’ll help you even if I have to grind my bones!”

To ask for help so directly… Ryu Iden was proud.

*Finally, I’m hearing the word ‘help’ for the second time from that human’s mouth. I’m going to make him do that three times, four times, how many times, more.*

* * *

Silence filled the dorm.

Everyone was sitting at the table together, but instead of being friendly, it was as if fire was rising, making the atmosphere suffocating.

Lee Hyunjae’s dropped chopsticks were lying helplessly on the floor.

The owner of those chopsticks, Lee Hyunjae, was even more pathetic. The egg soup I made myself was flowing from his mouth.

I pulled out a tissue and handed it to the confused Lee Hyunjae, and looked at Ryu Iden sitting next to him.

A reproachful look with the nuance of ‘You said we’d talk when we eat.’ Ryu Iden signaled ‘Stop’ with his fingers.

*What do you mean stop, you 망할놈아 [manghalnoma – Korean slang for ‘you bastard’].*

“It’s a little complicated.”

Lee Hyunjae wiped his cheeks and hid his confused eyes behind his eyelids. I wonder what thoughts are flowing under his tightly closed eyes.

Seokjoon is looking at me with sparkling eyes; it’s a mysterious feeling, nothing more, nothing less.

*I wish you would suspect me a little, Jun. If I were to decide to scam you like this, I think I could 털 [teol – Korean for ‘shake out’ or ‘fleece’] your entire fortune.*

“You didn’t tell me in that much detail…”

Chae Hamin grumbled, looking at me as if resentful.

*Hamin, be a little more proud of the fact that you were the first person I told. No matter how drunk you were, don’t you know how much courage I took?*

The same kitchen as in the morning, the time when the day is 마무리 [mamuri – Korean for ‘finishing’ or ‘wrapping up’], a moment flowing quietly. Lee Hyunjae laughed.

“…Then I wouldn’t have been able to debut. I did it thanks to hyung.”

Still with his eyes closed.

“I wouldn’t have even known who hyung was. I wouldn’t have had the courage to cut ties with my parents either.”

Pointing out each item.

“…Really, you were a grateful person, hyung.”

He opened his eyes.

Eyes full of gratitude instead of confusion. He must have closed his eyes for quite a long time and 고민 [gomin – Korean for ‘pondered’ or ‘worried’] how he would have lived without me.

He picked up the chopsticks as if he felt refreshed, took out a new one, and took a spoonful of soup.

*You’re the first person who’s 틀린 [teullin – Korean for ‘wrong’] this much among my 과외생 [gwaoesaeng – Korean for ‘tutoring student’].*

“Everything is 틀렸어 [teullyeosseo – Korean for ‘wrong’] except for one thing, Hyunjae.”

“Yes?”

*[I’m really 서운하네요 [seounhaneyo – Korean for ‘disappointed’]. I was 고민 [gomin – Korean for ‘pondering’] whether to open my heart to you, the only subject! When I think about it now, we were just friends! How can you not remember that! Is that all we were, Hyunjae!]*

*Shut up, Gisaeng [Korean for ‘entertainer’]. Tell Lee Hyunjae yourself later.*

“You didn’t debut, but you knew me.”

With a spoon in his mouth, he dropped the spoon as if he understood my words late.

“You 정리 [jeongni – Korean for ‘sorted out’ or ‘ended’] the relationship with your parents with your own hands.”

And he 흘렸다 [heullyeotta – Korean for ‘spilled’] egg soup one more time.

“I wasn’t a 똑부러진 [ttokbureojin – Korean for ‘sharp’ or ‘efficient’] human enough for you to be 고마워 [gomawo – Korean for ‘thankful’].”

*[That’s right! If that were the case, that bastard wouldn’t have come with a hammer and 따 [tta – Korean for ‘open’] the door of our house. You were a 참 [cham – Korean for ‘truly’] 똑부러진 [ttokbureojin – Korean for ‘sharp’ or ‘efficient’] friend.]*

“Rather, I would have been 고마워 [gomawo – Korean for ‘thankful’]. Before leaving for another place, you were one of the two people I had 미련 [miryeon – Korean for ‘lingering feelings’] for.”

*That’s right, Gisaeng.*

*[That’s right.]*

Lee Hyunjae trembled his hands, 막고 [makgo – Korean for ‘covered’] his mouth, and 잠겼다 [jamgyeotta – Korean for ‘immersed’] in thought again. The atmosphere itself was different from before.

“I’m! I’m Donghwa!”

Chae Hamin 끼어들었다 [kkieodeureotta – Korean for ‘interjected’].

“You didn’t know.”

“What about me, 형님 [hyeongnim – respectful Korean term for older brother or male friend]!”

Seokjoon too.

“You too.”

At my 단호한 [danhohan – Korean for ‘firm’ or ‘resolute’] answer, the two of them 순차적으로 [sunchajeogeuro – Korean for ‘sequentially’] dropped their spoons.

It’s been a long time since we’ve had no evening schedules, so we’ve gathered together, and everyone is making 비트 [biteu – Konglish for ‘beats’] with their spoons.

Ryu Iden, who was 가만히 [gamanhi – Korean for ‘quietly’] listening to the conversation, 세차게 내리쳤다 [sechage naerichyeotta – Korean for ‘violently struck’] his 복부 [bokbu – Korean for ‘abdomen’] with his 주먹 [jumeok – Korean for ‘fist’]. He was 힘이 실려 [himi sillyeo – Korean for ‘forceful’] enough to make a 끄윽 [kkeueuk – Korean onomatopoeia for a hiccup or burp] sound with his own 입 [ip – Korean for ‘mouth’].

*It must be that 광견병 도진 [gwanggyeonbyeong dojin – Korean for ‘rabies relapse’] suddenly.*

“흐하하하 [heuhahaha – Korean laughter sound].”

A 호쾌한 [hokwaehan – Korean for ‘hearty’] laugh, no, a sound like a 미친 [michin – Korean for ‘crazy’] person laughing.

Lee Hyunjae 폭소 [pokso – Korean for ‘burst into laughter’] and 맞췄다 [majchwotta – Korean for ‘matched’] eyes with the other members one by one. He 드러났다 [deureonatta – Korean for ‘revealed’] 오만 [oman – Korean for ‘arrogance’] in the 식 [sik – Korean for ‘manner’] of ‘Did you see it? Did you see it?’ You’re like a 미친 [michin – Korean for ‘crazy’] person, Hyunjae.

“Although he’s called Gisaeng, he’s 결국 [gyeolguk – Korean for ‘eventually’] hyung.”

I didn’t open my 입 [ip – Korean for ‘mouth’] because I was 씹느라 [ssibneura – Korean for ‘chewing’] 밥알 [babal – Korean for ‘rice grains’], I just 끄덕였다 [kkeudeogyeotta – Korean for ‘nodded’] my head.

“Did you meet hyung while studying 문학 [munhak – Korean for ‘literature’]?”

끄덕 [kkeudeok – Korean for ‘nod’].

“Ah… I’m 다행이에요 [dahaengieyo – Korean for ‘relieved’] that I was born 똑똑하게 [ttokttokage – Korean for ‘smartly’]. My 유전자 [yujeonja – Korean for ‘genes’] was only 혐오스럽기만 [hyeomo seureopgiman – Korean for ‘disgusting’], but now it’s 애증 [aejeung – Korean for ‘love-hate’].”

Lee Hyunjae, who was 늘어지는 [neureojineun – Korean for ‘slouching’] on the 의자 [uija – Korean for ‘chair’] as if he was 배부르다는 [baebureudaneun – Korean for ‘full’] even though he hadn’t eaten 절반도 [jeolbando – Korean for ‘half’] of his 밥 [bap – Korean for ‘rice/meal’], Ryu Iden, who was 지켜보고 있던 [jikyeobogo itdeon – Korean for ‘watching’], 조용히 중얼거렸다 [joyonghi jungeolgeoryeotta – Korean for ‘quietly muttered’] ‘I should have 공부 [gongbu – Korean for ‘studied’].’

Only that 망할놈의 [manghalnomui – Korean for ‘damned’] 동생 [dongsaeng – Korean for ‘younger brother’] 남았다 [namatta – Korean for ‘remained’]. I 씹어 삼켰다 [ssibeo samkyeotta – Korean for ‘chewed and swallowed’] 밥 [bap – Korean for ‘rice/meal’].

“Now that you all know, you’ll have to 협조 [hyeopjo – Korean for ‘cooperate’].”

I 내려놓고 [naeryeonogo – Korean for ‘put down’] the 숟가락 [sutgarak – Korean for ‘spoon’] and 집중시켰다 [jipjungsikyeotta – Korean for ‘focused’] my 시선 [siseon – Korean for ‘gaze’]. The 억양 [eokyang – Korean for ‘intonation’] I learned from 화양 씨 [Hwayang ssi – Korean honorific] is really 써먹는다 [sseomeongneunda – Korean for ‘useful’] 두고두고 [dugudugo – Korean for ‘again and again’].

“What?”

“There’s a 내전 [naejeon – Korean for ‘civil war’] in the 집안 [jiban – Korean for ‘family’], 지금 [jigeum – Korean for ‘now’].”

He didn’t 보내 [bonae – Korean for ‘send’] even one to me, but he said he 보냈다 [bonaetta – Korean for ‘sent’] 문자 [munja – Korean for ‘text message’] to all of you. I don’t have to 봐도 [bwado – Korean for ‘look’], these 망할 것들 [manghal geotdeul – Korean for ‘bastards’], it looks 재밌어 [jaemisseo – Korean for ‘fun’], so you said you’d 도와주겠다고 [dowajugesseodago – Korean for ‘help’].

“Now you’re 스파이네 [seupaine – Konglish for ‘spies’].”