Becoming An Idol Wasn’T On My Plan [EN]: Chapter 362

When sorrow overflows, you can’t hold onto anything. I’ve only experienced it a few times in my life.

Damn it, why do animals often die earlier than people? At least, it would have been better if the end came when I was old and wrinkled.

Lying in his studio, Ji Dong-hwa turned off the computer and lay down. He hesitated to go into a retirement home. So, he looked for a place where he could isolate himself and deliberately took a long way to get here.

‘I’m going to do a funeral for him. I’m personally very attached to him. I’m going to enshrine him separately.’

‘Can I contribute half?’

‘Of course.’

Memories are hazy after the conversation that left only silence. No, this is a bad habit. I have to remember everything clearly, vividly. Because I’m not forgetting, I’m choosing not to. I can’t cowardly lock it away this time either.

The location I have to visit every year for the annual event has changed. Simba will be with my parents’ urns, so if there is an afterlife, I hope Simba stays by their side.

Ji Dong-hwa felt a fever rising. A cold always crept in when his mind was vulnerable. When the tension was high, it never happened except during the early days of his career, but when he was buried in emotions like this, the pain rushed in.

Farewell (離別), even the word itself is unpleasant. It is said that in the oracle bone script, the origin of the character for ‘separation’ (別) depicted a knife and bones. More precisely, it meant removing flesh from bones. In other words, when creating the character for separation and division, those of ancient times were reminded of death. Throughout human history, the most intense form of separation was bereavement.

I came across this story in a book I read by chance and have occasionally thought about it since then. And sometimes, the shape of the character for ‘separation’ (另, originated from 冎, meaning to debone) combined with the knife (刀) felt more intuitive. Perhaps they wanted to capture the feelings after bereavement in that one character.

However, forcibly escaping into rational stories was only possible when his mental strength held up. Ji Dong-hwa lay there, staring blankly at the ceiling. On this land, one more tiger no longer lives. A photo doesn’t come to my phone, and a cheerful text saying, ‘Still waiting here!’ doesn’t come either. It’s unfamiliar. Every day.

The fact that I didn’t make any mistakes in today’s schedule was probably the result of squeezing out the bottom of my mental strength.

Ji Dong-hwa collapsed and fell asleep on the sofa. Everyone knows that once he enters the studio, he rarely leaves, so they won’t bother looking for him.

He laid down as if it were a tiger’s den, to recover his exhausted mind and body.

* * *

It’s dark. Seok-joon had a strange thought as he walked down the hallway. The lights are so bright, but it’s so dark. The innermost and largest studio in the company. He directly refused the offer to get a studio outside the company.

He probably didn’t eat. The other hyungs [older brothers or male figures] told me to go and talk to him to see if he’s okay, but this was an irresistible force. Dong-hwa hyung’s most fatal problem is that he forgets to eat because he’s thinking about something, he could confidently say.

Dong-hwa hyung is such an oddball (奇人) that he doesn’t feel hunger well, but in Seok-joon’s opinion, it’s no different from forcibly ignoring the signals from his body. But what can’t that hyung do?

While Ji Dong-hwa had the least external changes but the biggest internal changes, Seok-joon, on the other hand, grew up to be very masculine on the outside, but inside he was still a pure otaku [a person with obsessive interests, particularly in anime and manga] himself.

According to Ryu Iden, ‘I’m a little scared that he’ll ask to put Wizney characters in his funeral later.’ This was proven by a serious mutter he once made. Ji Dong-hwa immediately replied, ‘Then, we have to respect that,’ and Ryu Iden also agreed, ‘Well, I will, but I’m worried someone will say something about our Joonie….’

The sense of security I felt when I secretly overheard that. That’s why Seok-joon, who was slowly learning to be embarrassed because of his age, openly showed a room full of princesses, princes, and animal figures on TV.

You have to eat when you’re having a hard time so you don’t have crazy thoughts. That’s what Yoon Sung-ho and Ryu Iden always said. I realized only when I got old that I had been slightly out of place since I was a trainee. Maybe I was too stupid and clueless to know. I knew they didn’t like me, but I couldn’t bring myself to recognize it as bullying.

Seok-joon was insensitive to the malice of others, but rather sensitive to their kindness. Just seeing the eyes of those who liked him made his day better. The reason he feels the world is beautiful and lives happily is probably because there are people around him who accept him.

Holding a sandwich and juice in one hand, he finally arrived at the studio door. The largest studio in the company, which he and the other members have become so accustomed to.

A short knock, but no sound came from inside. ……Huh? No way. Everyone else left for their individual schedules, and he was the only one who had time, so he bought food, but no way. Hamin hyung’s prediction can’t be wrong in this case. He has a genius-level intuition, but only for Dong-hwa hyung.

‘Dong-hwa is probably having a hard time. So please go see him, Joon-ah.’

I don’t know how he knows Dong-hwa hyung’s current location so well, but sometimes Hamin hyung tells me where Dong-hwa hyung is and asks me to go see him. And he’s never wrong.

I heard Simba passed away. I’m not close to him, but he was an irreplaceable friend to Dong-hwa hyung.

Seok-joon knocked on the door once more, just in case. Still no answer.

……Did he collapse from being sick?

Dong-hwa hyung used to overwork his head when he was under extreme stress. It’s a really bad habit, but I can’t keep up with what’s going on in his head, so I can’t say anything.

As soon as that thought crossed his mind, Seok-joon quickly opened the door. Sure enough, he was collapsed on the sofa. What should I do? Emergency measures, emergency measures. Should I slap him on the cheek? No, there’s no way something that violent is hiding behind the word ’emergency measures’!

‘Hyu, hyungnim [term of respect for an older brother or male figure], I’ll pick you up and run!’

Seok-joon threw the food away and lifted Ji Dong-hwa up. Even though he’s said to be the most physically capable person after Ryu Iden, Ji Dong-hwa also worked hard to take care of his health, but he didn’t even seem heavy.

He walked and then started running. If ignorance is a sin, Seok-joon is guilty of a serious crime. He didn’t understand what kind of dogshit it was to go outside in this state, and he didn’t know how stupid it was to run around the company to get in the car quickly.

He didn’t even know that his nonsense, ‘Dong-hwa hyung is! Following Simba!’ would cause the staff to tell Ryu Iden, who had just finished his schedule, ‘Joon said something like that?’

His mind was only focused on saving someone precious. He’s originally that stupid. He’s so upright and pure that he’s too good to be true, and he doesn’t care about the social impact or the eyes of those around him. He’s captivated by simple results rather than complex calculations.

Of course, when he was young, he was just a child chasing butterflies without knowing there was a river, but as he got older, he became a strange adult who, when faced with an emergency, would chase after the butterflies even knowing there was a river.

So.

‘Put me down, Joon.’

The only answer is to put him next to me and hold him directly. Just shoot the butterfly with a gun. Ji Dong-hwa grabbed his shaking head and spoke to Seok-joon.

‘…Hyungnim?’

‘My head is pounding.’

This is real. A terrible headache was pounding his head. For a long time, this headache has been familiar when this happens.

‘Are, are you okay! I thought you collapsed!’

‘……I was sleeping.’

As soon as Seok-joon put him down, Ji Dong-hwa stood on his own two feet and tried to grab his head, but stopped. He looked around and saw some of the company staff trying to approach, but they turned around, relieved to see Ji Dong-hwa standing on his own two feet.

Ah, I understand the situation. Ji Dong-hwa quickly tried to take out his phone, but realized it wasn’t in his pocket.

‘Joon, my phone.’

‘Ah, I put it in that envelope.’

‘…Um, I do that often too, so I can’t say anything.’

Ji Dong-hwa sighed. He politely greeted a staff member who was passing by.

‘Hello, Deputy Kim Joo-hee.’

‘……Huh? How do you know my name?’

She touched her chest, as if checking if she was wearing her employee ID, but there was nothing there.

‘You’re a company employee.’

Of course, I memorized everyone’s names in advance. You never know when you might need to call them.

‘Excuse me, can I borrow your phone?’

‘Ah, of course. Here you go.’

‘Thank you.’

Ji Dong-hwa knows. Ryu Iden is crazy, really crazy. The other two are just as crazy. But according to the schedule, when I look at it, I have to contact Ryu Iden quickly.

‘Dong-hwa hyung!’

I can prevent this kind of overspeeding situation.

‘They, they said you collapsed! That you, that you collapsed and were taken to the hospital!’

‘……Ha.’

It’s really annoying to have this crazy bastard, whose schedule ends near here, come running.

‘Misinformation.’

‘A common excuse! Judging by your lack of creativity, you must be sick!’

The headache is severe. The cold symptoms haven’t gone away yet either. It’s enough to collapse in front of these guys only once. ……No, was it twice?

‘Get, get out.’

Ji Dong-hwa deliberately said coldly.

‘……Huh? Uh, uh, but, your body.’

‘I’m okay.’

A calm face that even Ryu Iden couldn’t recognize as acting.

‘I just, need some time.’

No, a numb face. At first glance, it looked sad, pitiful, and apologetic. It was clear what was sad, and I could see what was pitiful, but I didn’t know what was apologetic.

‘…Okay.’

Ryu Iden took a step back. Ji Dong-hwa usually doesn’t express his clear refusal well. Even though he seems to live as things go, he has more things he hates than anyone else among us except Lee Hyun-jae.

Ryu Iden, who has been watching Ji Dong-hwa for a long time, knew. There’s usually something that takes precedence over the feeling of dislike. And usually…….

As Ryu Iden stepped back, Ji Dong-hwa immediately moved. The shuffling gait was powerless, like Simba’s gait, which no one here had ever seen. His head is complicated, his emotions are fluctuating, and he feels terribly sorry for those two. He needs time to sort things out. Time to slowly stack them up in his study like books. He has to digest it all alone and bury it inside himself. That’s the right attitude for mourning.

Ji Dong-hwa entered the studio and locked the door. The sound of someone running up the stairs echoed belatedly. The explosive sound of someone pushing the door open, Chae Hamin ran to the studio without looking around, but Ryu Iden grabbed his arm.

‘……Hyung?’

‘If you go in, Dong-hwa and I are breaking up.’

Ryu Iden’s Social Skills Special Lecture Study No. 12: When negotiating, identify what is most important to the other party and use it as bait.