Becoming An Idol Wasn’T On My Plan [EN]: Chapter 364

I Didn’t Plan to Become an Idol – 364

Why didn’t I realize it back then? That I was young, too.

That I also needed a support system, that I needed emotional support.

However, if you were to ask if I regret the choices I made back then, I would say no.

It’s just simple probability.

If Mok-hwa had gone to another house and not received proper education, I would have regretted that, too.

The only thing I regret is not taking full responsibility for Mok-hwa until the end.

I thought all the mental trauma had been washed away. That the only day I didn’t remember was like this….

I could recall all the memories with my parents. The same goes for the memories with Mok-hwa.

But only one day, that birthday, I couldn’t remember.

Because I always have to live rationally, the repression is this intense.

“……Ha.”

I let out a breath. I opened my eyes, trying to find the reason why my thoughts had ended. No, I listened. I heard a knock.

Who is it? No, where am I again?

It’s hazy. It feels like walking through a dream.

I got up from my seat and walked. Because I have to open the door.

And when I finally reached the door, I put strength into my hand and opened it.

The doorknob turned, and light poured in. In that backlight, I saw a rabbit-like face and a dog-like face.

* * *

“Dong-hwa isn’t giving any response at all.”

As soon as the emergency meeting ended, I went to knock, but no reply came back.

Is this a silent rejection, or is it a situation where he can’t answer?

Chae Ha-min was horrified.

What should I do? Honestly, I secretly made a spare key without Dong-hwa knowing! But I kept it a secret because I thought it was too much overprotection! Should I use it! What to do!

“First, one more time.”

Ryu I-deun grabbed Chae Ha-min’s shoulder and knocked.

Then, a staggering sound, like someone walking, echoed from inside.

Click, a short sound.

The door opened, and Ji Dong-hwa was seen inside.

A face with tears streaming down, listless pupils, and a cough that seemed sickly. With that appearance, Ji Dong-hwa looked at us, put strength in his eyes, and then hugged us in surprise.

“…You’re late.”

“Huh, huh?”

“You should have come sooner.”

Ji Dong-hwa grabbed Ryu I-deun’s collar tightly. He buried his face in his arms. Ryu I-deun, who had become bigger [taller/more muscular], didn’t fall over no matter how much he leaned on him.

“…Misjudgment.”

Ryu I-deun replied briefly and raised his hand to Dong-hwa’s back.

He trembled slightly. Like a small animal. What to do, I feel like I could break him if I put strength into it.

In that gap, Ji Dong-hwa let go of the collar and lightly tapped Chae Ha-min’s cheek once. It was such a weak blow that I didn’t even know if it could be called a hit.

“Late.”

“……Sorry.”

And Ji Dong-hwa collapsed.

Chae Ha-min screamed and supported him, and Ryu I-deun also picked him up.

Seok-jun and Lee Hyun-jae also reflexively reached out from behind and grabbed the hem of Ji Dong-hwa’s clothes.

Thanks to that, Ji Dong-hwa stood his ground.

“…He lost consciousness.”

“Hospital.”

As Ryu I-deun and Chae Ha-min spoke calmly, Seok-jun took out his phone, and Lee Hyun-jae ran towards the management team.

A heavy and thick silence descended.

But within that, while fulfilling their respective responsibilities, their minds were full of thoughts.

What is it? Why was Ji Dong-hwa crying?

What did the reproachful tone of saying we should have come sooner mean?

Those questions were abundant.

* * *

I didn’t want to lose them. Ji Dong-hwa thought that should be called possessiveness.

He had lived having lost too much. He wanted people by his side.

It was too sticky to call it a wish. He was too lonely, too desolate. He wanted to lose consciousness and lean on someone.

That day, when the firefighter returned, Ji Dong-hwa was already gone.

Because he didn’t want help he couldn’t take responsibility for.

That was because Ji Dong-hwa had calculated all the work he had to do in the future.

When he realized the magnitude of the work he had to do alone, he didn’t want to rely on temporary help born from sympathy.

If he gets used to that, humans are weak-willed and will only want more help.

I want to have the newly formed relationship forever.

Ji Dong-hwa realized that it was an obsession.

Since it was an area that humans could not reach, it was an obsession that could never be achieved.

I absolutely don’t want to lose those four, Simba, or anyone else.

I’m not confident that I can survive with a sound mind after they leave.

‘……When it ends, I want to start again.’

It’s okay if they don’t remember.

Like ‘Lee Hyun-jae’ in our group’s worldview, it’s okay to be frustrated with those who don’t remember.

As long as I remember, it’s okay, I wanted to be by their side.

Like a snake biting its tail [Ouroboros], I want to keep repeating it.

As reason subsided, the desires that had been suppressed in Ji Dong-hwa’s head flooded.

I imagine what it would have been like if I had known them when I was younger.

Chae Ha-min would have been kind back then, and Ryu I-deun would still have been doing his best to manage himself.

I want Lee Hyun-jae to reach out a helping hand, and I want to be a wall so that Seok-jun is not disappointed in reality.

However, however, they are all just unrealizable wishes.

Ji Dong-hwa’s reason revived. He gradually regained consciousness.

It’s foolish, meeting is beautiful because of parting. That is theoretically right. Economically, psychologically, it’s the same.

Nothing is forever.

The skepticism that started with Heraclitus [Greek philosopher who believed in constant change] has now been accepted quite persuasively.

There is no immutable truth, and the idea is virtual. Only the twisted structure and the relationships that flow within it remain.

Parting must be accepted and given up. Telling Simba to see him again is just my foolish and arrogant wish.

Ji Dong-hwa opened his eyes.

“…Ha.”

Let’s grasp the situation. This is a hospital. Since I collapsed, all the members must be in an uproar.

No matter how I look at it, I didn’t think I would collapse.

I grasped my physical condition quite accurately.

[It’s a mental problem.]

……Oh, dear.

[I didn’t see you breaking down because you were too busy. A snake died. I’m sorry. I tried to help, but I was too late.]

More and more unknown information is increasing. Did you go on a nature education trip with the children? That’s definitely good for education.

I coughed briefly once. This time, I tried to lift my body, but suddenly.

Bang, a hand forcibly pushed me down. There was Ryu I-deun with fierce eyes. I didn’t even notice when he was there.

“Excessive stress.”

Even the tone was fierce.

I could die if I did well, that’s what I thought.

“The reason for the collapse. Your body is fine, but it seems you collapsed because the stress was too great.”

It’s the first time. It’s a precious moment, so if Chae Ha-min sees it, it might become an anniversary.

“How are you going to take responsibility for not telling any of us until that happened?”

“……Um.”

I have nothing to say. Honestly, I didn’t even know I was in that state.

[Originally, it’s difficult for humans to check their own mental state. You were the one who was strange, this is normal now.]

Ryu I-deun stared firmly and suddenly cried.

“Why are you making me talk about something I said years ago again, smart Dong-hwa hyung [older brother/male friend]?”

“……Sorry.”

“I want to be able to rely on you a little, and give you some advice, Dong-hwa.”

Um, you’re doing it. You bastard.

The only two people Ji Dong-hwa asks for advice are Ryu I-deun and Jun-sung.

Ji Dong-hwa himself has changed a lot.

“No, you don’t.”

Don’t read my mind, you crazy bastard.

When I’m with you guys, I know why lying was invented.

“Just now, you said you wish you had met us sooner. You had a hard time when you were young. You said that.”

“……Huh?”

“Why did hyung only appear now and make me rely on you, that might be even worse. I don’t want to break up, I want to be together forever.”

Ryu I-deun continued to speak endlessly.

The fierce eyes spread out with a smile as if it was acting.

“I didn’t say it exactly like this, but it’s a secret I found out with a brilliant mind, even if it’s not as good as yours.”

The laughter continued.

“Isn’t this almost a love confession? Dong-hwa has a lot of sins. Loving four people.”

How dare you compare yourself to unscrupulous humans.

“……Shut up.”

“Haha, hahaha, euha, ah, what should I do, it’s so fun to tease a kid who just got up from his sickbed.”

What the hell is this. How did you find out…….

―Forever…….-

The voice continued. It was Ji Dong-hwa’s voice.

In the phone that Ryu I-deun was holding, Ji Dong-hwa was asleep with a sickly face.

“……Oh my god.”

“First of all, it’s my ringtone.”

Turn back time. How could you do such a dog-like thing.

I didn’t have the strength to grab his collar.

“But, Dong-hwa hyung.”

“……What.”

“What happened.”

I stopped breathing. The way of speaking that subtly showed respect by not asking when.

“……Until you can tell me, I can wait.”

Consideration.

“You can rely on me to some extent. Still, hyung is hyung.”

Trust.

“Of course, it’s your will.”

And respect.

Ha, what should I do, really. How does this dog know how to dig into people’s hearts so well.

It’s clear that I leaked my weaknesses while sleeping.

No, maybe he already knew. Or maybe he did ‘About ○○’ [referring to researching someone thoroughly].

“……Sit down.”

Ji Dong-hwa tried to get up from his seat but was pushed back down by his hand.

“Sorry, I promised Ha-min that if you get up today, I’ll put you back to bed.”

A promise can be said to be a serious matter for Ryu I-deun.

After being severely betrayed by Ji Dong-hwa several times, he guarded his side, extremely wary of doing anything that he himself would judge as betrayal.

For Ji Dong-hwa, he could only describe it as a very strong guard dog. And that’s only when he’s on his side; if he’s on the opposite side, he’s no different from a mad dog.

“Ha, okay, listen.”

Ji Dong-hwa gave up. He turned his head and opened his mouth.

“I remembered the day my parents passed away.”

“……Yeah.”

Ryu I-deun patted Ji Dong-hwa’s arm with a steady rhythm as if to calm him down.

“I wish I had been by your side when you were young, too. My parents are strong and healthy.”

“Take me to live with you?”

“Of course.”

“What are you trusting in?”

“My house earns enough to accumulate wealth, even if it’s not as much as Ha-min’s.”

I’m intentionally ignoring it even though I know that’s not what I meant.

“…I want to go back to the beginning too; I would have kept telling you to rely on me more.”

“There’s no way I’d be gaslighted [manipulated into questioning your sanity].”

“At least you would have thought about it once.”

Ryu I-deun looked bitter.

The feeling of wanting me to rely on him more, even though he knows I’m relying on him, must be affection. Or maybe it’s a parent’s heart.

He’s gradually getting older, and he’s getting closer to being a father than an uncle. Of course, Ji Gong-woo was a better father.

Ji Dong-hwa was silent.

But Ryu I-deun sensitively felt the slight trembling that continued.

Anyway, what should I do, I have to tell him that Ha-min is next.

The only human who is very, very angry right now.

But Ryu I-deun made a slightly selfish choice.

Following his own desires, wanting to remain a hyung who is a little more reliable, he devoted himself to comforting Ji Dong-hwa.