Becoming An Idol Wasn’T On My Plan [EN]: Chapter 74

74.

Sitting in my studio, I turn on the music composition software and close my eyes.

‘…Eternal cycle and the intersection of beginning and end.’

The moment I saw the Ouroboros [a symbol depicting a snake or dragon eating its own tail, representing cyclicality and eternity], that’s what came to my mind: myself.

It’s an association that’s hard even for me to understand. I can’t blindly believe in the Enlightenment declaration that chaos is always explained by reason…

…Stop.

This isn’t the time to be engaging in thought or development.

In any case, I felt a pull from the Ouroboros that even I couldn’t understand.

‘…Why did I go back in time?’

Reaching this moment by going back in time is too much happiness for me, a kind of salvation.

I recall the image of myself that I saw in the fragment of possibility right after the survival show ended.

‘Me,’ constantly researching something alone in a small room, scribbling on paper.

Even if that possibility can’t be realized, it will still remain with me.

Like a snake, even though I shed my skin and gained a new body, traces of that skin still remain. In other words, even though I started anew, I still contain that end.

‘…I feel strange.’

Perhaps that’s why I got a strange inspiration from seeing the Ouroboros.

‘The fact that each moment I live is ultimately connected to the end after the previous end… it’s obvious, yet bizarre.’

I cut off my thoughts and focus on the musical ideas flowing in my head.

Capturing the momentary image, the sensation of seeing the Ouroboros, all of that in the song feels similar to when Mok-hwa and I went camping as kids and wandered through the darkness looking for fireflies.

Moreover, this is something I’m searching for all alone.

However, as a mathematician said, the time spent wandering in the dark will determine the joy of discovering the light.

Click.

Starting with the sound of the mouse being clicked, the inside of the studio becomes silent.

* * *

Chae Ha-min opened his eyes in an empty room for the first time in a while. The alarm is ringing next to him.

‘…Dong-hwa didn’t come back after all.’

…Well, first I need to send Yong-yong to his parents’ house.

Ji Dong-hwa always added a word of reassurance whenever he dug a tunnel [worked himself to exhaustion].

But after hearing those words every time he dug a tunnel, he realized that there was one unchanging fact when pulling himself out of the tunnel.

He never tells a lie to comfort him. Maybe what he said about going to work is true.

‘…Ha, he must have stayed up all night again.’

He’s very worried. He has a history of collapsing in the studio, and he’s pushing himself again this time.

‘It’s like he has a problem if he doesn’t overdo it.’

Chae Ha-min turns off the alarm set for 6 AM.

He’ll have to stop by the company for a while to check if Ji Dong-hwa is alive.

‘…If he collapses one more time, should I threaten him with the other members to reduce his workload?’

Dong-hwa is physically weak but perseveres with his mental strength, so this kind of all-night work can’t be good for his health. It’s not like they’re only going to be active for a year or two, so it would be better to manage his health in the long term.

Chae Ha-min nods with an uncharacteristic determined expression and puts on a hoodie and mask.

He immediately goes to Dong-hwa’s studio in the company and peers through the glass window.

‘…He’s still working, just about to collapse again.’

Dong-hwa is staring at the monitor with half-dead eyes. It’s an amazing sight from Chae Ha-min’s perspective, who has a hard time staying up all night.

And then, Ji Dong-hwa, feeling like he was almost done, lifted his body and pressed the keyboard, playing the song.

Chae Ha-min puts his ear to the door and listens to the song. He wouldn’t normally do this, but the song Dong-hwa is writing now is likely a Blossoms song, so he was curious.

‘…Huh?’

Strangely, it felt like a snake was crawling. It felt like a snake was searching for something. It’s a bit sinister and scary. But the beat itself is exciting.

And as the song flowed into the mid-to-late section, unlike the beginning, this part was arranged with particular care.

‘…Wow, I really want to dance so much.’

Chae Ha-min naturally starts to move to the rhythm.

The tail-biting behavior of a snake when it’s stressed, which Dong-hwa had shown right before leaving. The image of a circular snake spinning around comes to mind. From the drum beat to the sound of a spinning turntable, to the electronic sounds. Chae Ha-min felt like he was falling into the song.

And when the song finally ended, Chae Ha-min burst into the room.

“Dong-hwa! You stayed up all night again!”

However, because the future with his members is more precious to Chae Ha-min than the desire to dance, he has to nag.

* * *

I pretend to be surprised at Chae Ha-min. If you’re moving to the rhythm outside the door, it’s impossible not to notice, but his intention to surprise me was so obvious.

“…Surprise.”

“Who would believe you’re surprised when you say it with such a blank expression, Dong-hwa.”

Chae Ha-min put down the coffee and sandwich he was holding with a bright expression. It’s obviously an expensive brand. He’s a young master after all.

“You were planning to work without eating breakfast again, weren’t you.”

A long-standing tradition that has continued from The Next Nietzsche Survival to Blossoms, for some reason, he buys me simple meals like this when I shut myself in the studio.

“…Thanks.”

“But what was that song just now? It was really good. That dance break part was really… I wanted to dance.”

Ah, I’ve been caught.

“…Of course.”

“Huh? What do you mean.”

Chae Ha-min tilts his head.

“…That part, I wrote it thinking of you.”

Chae Ha-min’s pupils dilate. His mouth opens and a strange sound leaks out, and he jumps up and covers his mouth with both hands.

The reaction is too exaggerated for what I did.

“Wow… I didn’t know that when you’re really happy, you can’t even make a proper sound, Dong-hwa.”

…I’m sorry, Ha-min, but I usually write the dance break thinking of you. Of course, this time is a bit different. It won’t feel right unless it’s Chae Ha-min’s solo dance.

What this song captures is the end and the beginning.

So, I wanted to entrust the part that signifies the ‘beginning’ to Chae Ha-min, who first led me here, and put it at the ‘end’ of the song.

“Dong-hwa, have I ever told you how much I cherish you?”

Chae Ha-min still doesn’t lower the hand he raised to his mouth and speaks in a trembling voice.

“…How embarrassing.”

* * *

After the official holiday ended, we gathered in the conference room for meetings, W App updates, and filming of our own content.

“Wow, the script… seems to be good quality?”

Lee Hyun-jae mutters as he reads the synopsis.

“I read mystery novels often, and it’s full of clichés, but it’s fun in its own way.”

I nod. Clichés are formed because they sell well in the first place.

Of course, it’s a problem if it’s too much, but what does it matter when the character names are things like Hegel? The purpose is different in the first place. The filming we’re preparing now is like making fried rice with finely chopped carrots for a child who doesn’t like to eat carrots.

…But comparing the viewers to children seems wrong. Let’s reflect.

“But… I’m a little worried. Can we act well?”

I agree. In the first place, the Philosophy Academy was fine because the acting was decent for idols and it was our own content, but this is a terrestrial broadcast.

“Hmm, definitely… we need to practice a lot.”

More than that… I’m really not confident in acting.

I check the role I’m assigned.

Nietzsche written next to Ji Dong-hwa’s name.

…Our connection is tenacious, Nietzsche.

Actually, he’s not even my favorite philosopher, but how did he end up following me like this nickname?

I skim through the synopsis. The general structure is a story where one person dies in an isolated mountain lodge where six people were staying, and they all suspect each other of being the culprit.

It’s a fairly classic mystery novel structure, but it’s interesting that the person who dies is named Joo Ha-na, while the rest are all philosophers.

…But the victim’s name is Joo Ha-na.

I think quietly and stop thinking at the voice coming from next to me.

“Shall we try reading it in advance? Before the acting teacher comes.”

“Oh! That’s a good idea. Eden hyung, would you like to try this part with me?”

Ryu Eden and Chae Ha-min start reading the dialogue they share. For reference, Ryu Eden is Kant and Chae Ha-min is Locke.

“Kant, are you suspecting me right now? I guess this is when you say that even clocks can be wrong.”

“…Because I saw red marks on the blackboard in the classroom where you were last with Joo Ha-na.”

“Really? I’ve never seen it… Then it shouldn’t be left on the blackboard.”

I chuckled. It’s more fun than I expected.

Lee Hyun-jae, who was watching my smile, asks cautiously. His expression was full of doubt.

“…Dong-hwa hyung, is that a funny line?”

Ah, you might not know if you haven’t read Locke directly, that one.

Locke argued that the mind is like a blank slate and that experience fills that slate.

So the line just now is a cleverly twisted line that means, ‘I’ve never experienced it, so it shouldn’t be left on my slate,’ Lee Hyun-jae’s expression is quietly filled with astonishment after hearing all my explanations.

…Well, you fox.

“Hyung, who understands that after hearing it, is really amazing and… I wonder if he’s really an idol… it feels strange.”

Ryu Eden’s eyes sparkle as he was reading and focused on our conversation.

“Well, there’s a reason why Dong-hwa doesn’t laugh often. It’s because he only laughs at these Korean university-style jokes.”

What.

“…That’s prejudice.”

“But I think that’s right, Eden hyung. When you look at Dong-hwa’s concept photos, he’s almost always expressionless or bored.”

“As expected of Ji Dong-hwa, a cruel aristocrat and intellectual of this era.”

…Damn it, I’m giving them points to make fun of me. I should definitely ask for a smiling image for the next concept photo.

After the periodic event of teasing me ended, Seok-joon asks while reading.

“Hyungnim― But who― is He―gel?”

…He doesn’t mean for me to explain the absolute spirit that Hegel claimed, so I should just tell him what kind of person he was.

“…He was a slow speaker like you.”

So there’s a story that students suffered when he lectured.

* * *

And two weeks later, we entered the filming site for ‘MoMoG’ [short for ‘Mystery of Mystery Generation,’ likely a variety show or drama title].

‘…The outfit is a bit…’

I receive the black outfit in my hand. A leather jacket and ripped jeans with chains. It seems to reflect the characteristics of Nietzsche’s philosophy, which often involved aggressive criticism.

On top of that, numerous piercings. To be exact, they’re clip-on earrings, but seriously… how many are there?

Nietzsche’s actual personality was said to be gentle, so I don’t think he would have worn such clothes.

‘…Ha, today the Luminous members are going to have a lot of material to make fun of me again.’

The memory of being tormented by the Ideals [likely a nickname for the group members] is still vivid.

When I come out wearing the clothes, Ryu Eden, who is neatly dressed in a suit that looks like everything is measured, greets me.

It’s a very Kant-like fashion.

“Dong-hwa, have you ever worn such clothes?”

Ryu Eden asks, bursting into laughter after seeing my appearance.

…No, of course not. I don’t usually pay attention to fashion, so there’s no way I’ve worn uncomfortable clothes like a leather jacket.

The filming location is a mountain lodge in Gangwon-do. The goal is to finish all the filming within 5 days.

‘…And separately, I have to film a video explaining the philosophers.’

It’s a meaningful thing in its own way, so I have to do my best.