Elqueeness [EN]: Chapter 185

The Name

“Haha, this is something. Having the same name is more inconvenient than I thought. How many times has this already?”

“Hmm, I guess so.”

“Hmm, it would be troublesome to keep getting confused like this, right? I have no choice, I’ll just change my name.”

“Okay, I unde-… what?”

It was said in a casual tone, as if he were just going for a walk. Thanks to that, it took me a little while to realize the meaning of what he said. When I belatedly grasped the situation and looked up, the others were all panicking with bewildered expressions.

When our eyes met, El smiled brightly as if to say, ‘Then it’s settled, right?’ In a flustered mood, I quickly tried to shake my head. It was true that action was needed, but we couldn’t come to a conclusion like this. However, someone else spoke up faster than I could.

“What are you talking about? Why would you change your name?”

The owner of the dissatisfied voice was none other than Sibelius. It wasn’t exactly surprising. There was no way he, who doted on El, wouldn’t step in at a time like this. Unlike him, who was stiff with displeasure, El replied with a nonchalant face.

“Well, I’m the one who came later.”

“Still, it’s your real name. Who ever changes their real name? If someone’s going to change it, it should be the nickname. Nicknames are just made up anyway, so you can always use something different.”

I could feel his fierce gaze unhappily glaring at me. The meaning of that gaze was obvious, but I habitually tried to smile. There was a saying that you can’t spit on a smiling face, and I wanted to get along as well as possible if I could. But Sibelius didn’t seem to have any intention of doing that at all.

“I heard everything. That nickname, Trowell gave it to you, right?”

“……”

I forcibly suppressed the face that was about to stiffen for a moment. Thanks to that, my facial muscles twitched, but I barely managed to prevent my expression from changing. When I calmly stared back, Sibelius made an even more unpleasant expression.

“I really can’t understand it. Since everything’s out in the open, I’ll just ask you directly. Do you even realize that you’re a Spirit King?”

“…What are you talking about?”

“I’m asking if you have no sense of shame. You can’t possibly not know who that guy was thinking of when he gave you that nickname, right? And yet you still want to use that name? Even in front of the original owner?”

“……”

A sharp pain, like a thorn piercing me, shot through my head. Conscious of the aching sensation that echoed repeatedly from inside my body, I clenched my fist slightly. It’s okay. It didn’t hurt as much as I thought. To be honest, I knew from the moment I met El that I would face this issue someday. Was that why? It felt like what was coming had finally arrived.

“Sibyl, don’t talk like that. It’s not his fault.”

What hurt even more was El’s words, which seemed to pity and protect me. I bit my lip at his apologetic expression, as if he didn’t know what to do. I hated the way he looked at me with concern. Perhaps because my insides were twisted, everything he did felt like the confidence of a victor.

“El, there’s a limit to how nice you can be. You’ve practically had your name stolen, aren’t you upset?”

“You were too harsh. So many things happened at once, he must have been out of it. Why are you making such a fuss when I, the person involved, am staying still?”

“I’m stepping in because you’re staying still. Instead of claiming your rights, you’re talking about changing your name!”

“Then what should I do? I think I’d feel more comfortable doing that. Anyway, Trowell really made a mess of things.”

“Hmph, his intentions are obvious. He was trying to make you look exactly like you and use you as your replacement, wasn’t he?”

“Trowell isn’t that sinister. He probably just gave it to me without thinking because he was happy that we looked alike. We do look a lot alike, though.”

“Because of the previous Elquines’s wish, right?”

“……Oh dear. You heard about that too?”

El shook his head as if he was in trouble. That one word was as good as confirming Sibelius’s words. Sibelius, who had suddenly become emboldened, looked at me with fierce eyes. I reflexively tensed up at his fierce gaze. Then, Sibelius, who seemed ready to unleash a torrent of abuse, furrowed his brow slightly and sighed. My withdrawn appearance seemed to have made him feel a little sorry for me. He spoke in a gentler tone than before.

“I didn’t mean to blame you. I’ll apologize if I was too harsh.”

“……No, it’s okay.”

“I know you’re a victim too. I also regret that you were manipulated by the other Spirit Kings. I guess you don’t want to admit it. But stop now and realize it. This is reality. Ignoring it won’t solve anything, will it?”

“……”

“I’m advising you for your own good. I hope you’ll put things back where they belong before you’re embarrassed any further. You’re not such a spineless guy that you’d want to live as someone else’s substitute, are you? You’re a Spirit King, so you must have some pride.”

This time, I couldn’t hide my darkening face. My head was throbbing with the emotions that surged up and mixed together. I felt a chilling coldness rising up, as if I had been in ice water. El, who still had a troubled expression, and Sibelius, who was staring at me more sternly than ever, came into view one after another. Isana and Alisa were fidgeting, unable to join in the serious conversation. Only after seeing their anxious expressions did I regain my senses a little. At the same time, a hollow laugh escaped my lips. I realized once again that Sibelius knew nothing about me.

‘Pride? Pride as Elquines? I don’t know about that. I was just… happy that there was a place that was truly mine.’

When I heard in the Underworld that I had been born wrong, I was honestly relieved. I thought, ‘This time, I’ll be able to live happily in a proper family.’ I thought that God was giving me another chance, since I had died before I could even properly bloom in life. When I found out I was a Spirit King, I was even disappointed. Because then I wouldn’t be able to meet an ordinary family.

But I was thrilled by the fact that everyone here wanted me to be born. The fact that someone needed me, that there was a world that couldn’t exist without me, was frighteningly sweet. I was so intoxicated by that pleasant feeling that I didn’t give much thought to the suffering of the people who had been suffering from a long drought. That’s probably why I’m being punished like this.

It took me a while to calm my mind and continue the conversation. That short time felt as heavy as a thousand pounds. It seemed to be the same for the others, as they all looked as if they were about to suffocate. Eventually, El, as if he couldn’t stand it any longer, rubbed his head and said,

“Hmm, I guess this won’t work. I’ll just give up the name. I feel like I’m doing something really terrible.”

“What? What are you talking about, El?”

This time, Sibelius jumped up. El waved his hand with a very annoyed expression.

“It’s okay. What does it matter what my name is? It doesn’t mean I’m not me.”

“But……”

“What, Sibyl? Are you going to abandon me if my name changes?”

“Th-that’s not possible.”

“Then it’s settled.”

El made a face as if to ask what the problem was, and Sibyl looked like he was about to cry. But I felt the same way about his words.

‘Even if my name changes, it doesn’t mean I’m not me, huh……’

He can say that because he’s a strong person. Because he has the confidence that he won’t be shaken even if he doesn’t possess it.

Does he know how amazing that is? Does he know that all those things he takes for granted are things that someone in some world desperately chases after but can’t reach?

Once again, a hollow laugh escaped my lips. What is Sibelius even wary of? I probably can never be like him.

Losing a name is scary. I had already lost my name once in the past. 17 years in Korea. In that life, which was fiercely competitive, the three characters of my name were the only thing I had. It was no exaggeration to say that I lived only to protect that one thing. But cruel fate arbitrarily concluded that that life had never existed in the first place and left no record. It wasn’t even something I had in the first place.

After that, I received the unfamiliar name of Elquines, but perhaps because the sense of title was stronger, it didn’t feel like it was completely mine. That’s when the nickname El was created. It was the first proper name I had ever been given.

Even if it was given without any special meaning, or even if it was really to replace someone else. To me, that name felt like a qualification to exist here. The day I first cut off my lingering feelings for my past life. Perhaps it was even more so because it was a name given to me by the person who cheered me on for my first step in this world. At least it had a very special meaning to me.

“I’ll just change it.”

That’s why it was so difficult to say these words at this moment. But even so, I had no choice but to say it. No, I had to say it. No matter how desperately you want it, you can’t hold onto something that isn’t yours. If you ignore that and try to force it, you’ll only hurt your hand. That was the biggest lesson I learned in my past life.

“Are you sure you’re okay with that?”

The reaction came back immediately. I shrugged my shoulders at the gaze that seemed to be telling me not to overdo it. Fortunately, my voice and expression were all fine.

“As Sibyl said, my side is just a nickname. Besides, you were using the name first, so if I have to change it, I think it’s right for me to do it. I’m sorry. I should have done this sooner.”

“No, I’m the one who’s sorry for making it seem like I was forcing you.”

“I was uncomfortable anyway. We couldn’t keep using the same name, so we would have come to the same conclusion somehow.”

“Hmm, I’m glad you think so……then do you have a name in mind?”

“Ah, that’s……”

The moment that name suddenly came to mind, a bitter smile appeared on my face. It seemed like I really hadn’t improved at all.

“……Call me Jihoon. Call me Jihoon.”

It felt like my throat was choking up as I tried to force out something I didn’t want to say. I wanted to close my eyes tightly.

“Ji……hoon?”

Perhaps because of the slightly unfamiliar accent here, the group looked at each other with puzzled expressions. They looked like they were wondering what it meant. Instead of telling them the meaning, I just smiled.

They will never know. That it took more courage than I thought to say this name. Because it meant that I was going back to the time when I had nothing.

Dirty, frizzy hair and an ugly face. Kang Jihoon, who was like a bubble [ephemeral and easily burst].

It was the day I picked up the name I had thrown away again.

* * *

Dinner was held in a quieter atmosphere than ever before. Sibelius, who had shown off his skills for once, brought out a table full of delicious food, but everyone was too busy watching me to reach out. I thought I hadn’t shown it, but it seemed they could see that I was feeling down. Thinking that I would make them sick, I got up from my seat. Then, everyone’s eyes turned to me at once. Looking at their tense faces, I smiled bitterly.

“Well, then. Enjoy your meal.”

“Huh? Mr. El……no, Sir Jihoon, aren’t you going to eat?”

While the others reacted as if they expected it, Alisa looked flustered. It was only natural, since I had been pretending to eat in front of her until now.

“From now on, I’ll be joining you for meals less often.”

“Why, why? Don’t you want to eat with us?”

“What? No, it’s not that……I don’t have to eat.”

When I said that, scratching my cheek, Alisa’s eyes widened. She looked like she had heard the strangest answer in the world. Then, she soon realized the reason and a look of surprise appeared on her face.

“Ah, I see. Because you’re a spirit……”

“Yeah, well, something like that.”

When I nodded, Alisa made a complicated face. It was a look that clearly showed that she was realizing my identity once again and didn’t know how to treat me.

“But you’ve been eating until now, right? Then you can keep eating with us, right? You don’t have to avoid it now……”

“Hmm, that’s actually because I was forcing myself to eat. To be honest, it’s easiest not to eat.”

“Re-really?”

“Yeah, I don’t feel the joy of eating because I don’t need to replenish my nutrients in the first place.”

“Do you feel like you’re overeating when you eat?”

The person who suddenly asked the question was El. When I looked at him, he smiled meaningfully.

“It’s not that you don’t have a sense of taste or texture, but you just accept it as information. When you eat, you feel nauseous or stuffy. Furthermore, you even feel like your body is contaminated.”

“……Yeah, that’s right.”

“Hehe, I knew it. I heard it from my father.”

My body flinched at the familiar yet unfamiliar word. I felt like I had been caught off guard. I looked at him with a slightly dazed feeling.