Elqueeness [EN]: Chapter 247

247.

“Isana.”

Even when I called his name carefully, there was no response.

“Isana!”

It was the same even when I called out a little louder. I swallowed a slight sigh and walked straight to Isana, grabbing his arm just as he was about to strike down. Only after forcibly stopping him did he seem to come to his senses, blankly turning to look at me. As his slowly blinking eyes gradually focused, a clear sense of bewilderment arose.

“……El?”

Instead of answering, I took the sword from his hand. Forcibly prying open his fingers and pulling out the sword, it came away more easily than I had expected. Actually, it couldn’t be helped. The inside of his palm was swollen all over. With the skin almost completely peeled off, it must have been agony even to hold it. Pus and blood were flowing from the already burst blisters. It was clear at a glance that these wounds hadn’t appeared in just one day. I wondered how he even thought of wielding a sword with such hands. As I carefully examined the wounds, Isana began to panic. It seemed he had finally fully regained his senses.

“Oh, oh, it’s really El? When did you get back? Sorry, I must have been too focused. I didn’t notice at all.”

The awkward smile on his face was no different from usual. If I hadn’t seen his earlier state, I wouldn’t have noticed anything strange either. As I silently healed the wounds on his palm, Isana smiled as if relieved.

“Wow, it actually hurt a bit. Thanks, El.”

Even with the face of an immature boy, his expression was that of a perfect adult. It would have been better if he had shown some instability. I sighed, frustrated that he was so skillfully managing his emotions even at this moment.

“What’s wrong?”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Something’s bothering you, isn’t it? Just suppressing it inside won’t help much. Tell me what’s wrong. I’ll listen to everything.”

Beneath the overlaid mask, the blue eyes, as empty as glass, trembled slightly. I caught the fleeting hesitation in that instant. Yet, Isana shrugged again as if nothing was wrong.

“Hmm, did I look that strange? Nothing happened.”

“It won’t work trying to brush it off like that.”

“Really. It’s just that my head is a bit complicated… I just wanted to focus on something.”

“Why is your head complicated?”

“Just… when I’m still, all sorts of thoughts keep coming to mind… I guess I’ve become a bit sensitive since the war started. I’m also nervous and….”

“Isana.”

As I quietly called his name, a subtle tremor was transmitted from his hand, which I was still holding. The face he turned to me was clearly stiffer than before. Thinking that he was finally a little more bearable, I smiled bitterly.

“Hiding your true feelings is to avoid showing weaknesses. Trying not to show weaknesses is to appear strong. It might be especially necessary to live as an emperor. But there’s a limit to what you can handle alone. And honestly, it’s too lonely.”

“El… I….”

“I’m your friend, but I’m also your guardian. I’m probably a much more useful guardian than you think. I wish you would rely on me at times like this. It won’t be a problem for me if you have weak points, and it won’t change our relationship. You don’t have to be strong in front of me.”

The trembling in his eyes deepened. Isana stared at me and the hand I was holding him with for a long time without saying anything. His face was still a mess, but his eyes weren’t as empty as before. After nodding at his searching gaze, he took a slight breath.

“Actually, I heard a strange… story from Duke Cael.”

So it was related to Duke Cael after all. I don’t know what he said or how he said it to make the kid like this. I gritted my teeth inwardly, but I didn’t show it and smiled casually.

“What story?”

“My uncle… it seems he wasn’t a bad person from the beginning.”

“Uncle, you mean Grand Duke Yucarte?”

Isana nodded slowly. Now that he had started to open up, he seemed to have a hard time controlling his emotions, and his face looked like he was about to cry at any moment. With tears filling his eyes, he stammered out an explanation. His mother, who had died when he was young, turned out to have been a longtime friend of the Grand Duke. The meaningful actions and words she showed before she died. It was a content that suggested that even the Grand Duke, who had only been thought of as a suspect until now, had a hidden story. And it seemed that Isana’s father, the late Emperor, was deeply involved in the process.

“Maybe Father… made Uncle like that. Father turned him into a monster. In the end, all these things are because of Father….”

The face, riddled with confusion and anxiety, finally completely distorted. He could no longer bear the pain that he had been stubbornly holding inside. Watching Isana tremble with his shoulders shaking faintly as if he was about to collapse, I swallowed a sigh.

When talking about the late Emperor, his face always contained an undeniable affection and trust. The father he knew was a complete victim, a pitiful person who had been unjustly killed despite having done nothing wrong. It can’t be easy to confirm the other side of the person you love and respect the most. Wouldn’t it be similar to the feeling of having all the beliefs you’ve believed to be right collapse at once?

Although it’s a completely different situation, I once felt something similar. When I was still young and small Kang Ji-hoon, I believed that my family loved me. I thought that the reason I received less attention was because I was the youngest of a large family, and that the reason they were particularly strict and often hit me was because I was immature and had done many things wrong. There are no parents who don’t love their children. I thought that they would naturally feel the same way I loved them. I trapped myself in a self-created fantasy, but I was happy because of it. It seems it took quite a while to admit that it wasn’t true.

The world I knew is changing. So, in the end, it was the same kind of fear. The more you try to package that world as happy and beautiful, the more natural it is to feel sad and afraid of it disappearing. Nevertheless, it will be even more painful because it is a truth that you must eventually accept. However….

“Isana, people aren’t perfect.”

Isana’s shoulders trembled at the calmly delivered words. Looking at his confused face, I smiled bitterly. He still has things he can protect. I didn’t want Isana to deny even that.

“No one can only have good points. Just as there are those who evaluate the Grand Duke as a good person, your father also had a dark side. Even if that became the cause of all these tragedies, it can’t be said that repaying evil with more evil is a normal choice. The Grand Duke became a monster, but in the end, it was the path he chose himself.”

“But….”

“Of course, if he really provided the cause, he can’t completely avoid responsibility. I don’t think you should hide that either. Still, it’s a fact that he was a father who loved you. You don’t have to blame and fault him either.”

Isana’s eyes wavered as if ripples were spreading. I squeezed the hand holding him tightly.

“The father you love, the one who loves you, hasn’t disappeared. You may be disappointed to learn about his unknown side, but don’t let resentment swallow you and try to deny everything about him. You didn’t love him because he was morally noble and sublime, did you? It’s just that you have a little more to handle and embrace than before. That’s what love is all about anyway.”

The sound of suppressed breath bursting out was heard. Unable to lift his head, Isana kept nodding. I watched with a heavy heart as tears dripped down his cheeks. It must have been harder to hate because he loved him. That sad feeling also reminded me of myself at one time. Although in my case, it was an almost messed up emotion that I couldn’t even hate because I thought I had to love him. …So in the end, I chose to let go of everything.

It’s a relief that Isana isn’t like that. He will be able to endure better than the young Kang Ji-hoon of that time. At least it wasn’t a one-way affection. Having received parental love. It is taken for granted, but in a world where there are more cases where it is not taken for granted, it was more than enough asset for the child. The reason why I can now casually reminisce about difficult times is also because I know the love of another family of mine. No matter what happens in the future, I will be able to hold on to the memories of this moment and endure. That power would also show Isana the direction to move forward.

Hugging his head and patting him, Isana began to cry, holding onto me. Although he is dignified for his age, he was still a helpless child. He was one of the ordinary teenagers who were overwhelmed with emotions several times a day, and sometimes wanted to indulge in impulses. It couldn’t have been easy to live a life where he had to constantly suppress and control it.

The responsibilities and roles assigned to the position of Emperor, the countless people who only look at him and follow him. There will not be many places where Isana can cry comfortably in it. I hope this short time will be enough comfort for him. I gently patted his sobbing back until Isana calmed down.

The end of the long night, dawn was beginning.

* * *

“Four days later, we will hold a send-off ceremony.”

Early in the morning, as the morning sun was just beginning to shine. The calm voice of a boy spread throughout the hall where people were sitting around. It was a regular schedule meeting held every morning, but this statement by Isana had a different weight than usual. It was also the moment when the prelude to the full-scale war was opened. The preparations that had been steadily progressing had finally reached their final stages.

A light excitement filled the air among the slightly excited people. Isana’s eyes, watching them, also contained heat. The appearance of shedding tears until he was exhausted last night had already been completely erased.

The situation at dawn ended vaguely because Isana fell asleep as it was. I haven’t talked to him again since then, but seeing him now, I didn’t think I needed to worry much. His eyes were clearer, and his voice had more strength. He had clearly come to his own conclusion and ended his mental wandering. Perhaps it wasn’t just me who felt that; the atmosphere of the Imperial Knights watching him was also brighter than usual. The true owner of this empire has completed all preparations to reclaim his place. From now on, all that was left was to repay what they had suffered.

“…Alisa in the advance party?”

What was embarrassing was when they started discussing the plans after that. At the strategy meeting held while I was away, it was decided to put Alisa in the advance party. As the advance party sets out ahead, it has many roles assigned to it and is the most exposed to combat. Isana explained the situation in a cautious tone to me, who was surprised and my face hardened.

“Alisa has become so famous for her performance in the Battle of Lassen. It seems that Alisa’s name has already become known in the nearby areas. My brother recommended that if she stands in the advance, the morale of the soldiers will increase.”

“Hmm, I understand the situation… but isn’t that too dangerous?”

“Yes, so I was also against it, but Alisa insisted that she wanted to do it….”

Alisa herself hoped for it? I couldn’t hide my bewildered feelings and looked diagonally. A fluttering dress, ribbons that fully decorated her rich hair. The girl, who was decorated like a doll alone in a place full of gloomy men, was causing a tremendous sense of incongruity. It was Alisa, the person in question.

I had been comforting Isana, who had been crying all night, so I had only managed to exchange greetings with her this morning. When our eyes met, Alisa averted her gaze with a sulky expression. From the way she was lowering her eyes, I could strongly feel her will not to talk. Why is she suddenly like this? When I met her this morning, there was nothing different from usual, but somehow she didn’t seem to be in a good mood right now. No, to be precise, she seems to have been sulking ever since the meeting started.

“Ali…”

“I will participate in the war.”

As soon as I spoke, the reaction came back immediately. She doesn’t want to talk, but she must have thought that she had to say what she had to say. This is like her. Of course, the answer was by no means welcome.

“Alisa.”

“It doesn’t matter how much El opposes it. They say that if I’m in the advance, the morale of the soldiers will increase. I want to do what I can do.”

“But it’s too dangerous….”

“It’s okay. Even if it’s the advance, I’m not in the front row. I’ll retreat to the back when the battle breaks out, and it won’t be as dangerous as you think. I can protect my own body enough.”

“Still, no. You’re too young to get involved in the war.”

“It’s a contradiction for El to say that. You let me participate in the last battle. It doesn’t make sense that it was okay then and it’s not okay now, does it?”

“That’s….”

I groaned, feeling speechless. Isana, who saw me just gaping like a goldfish, smiled bitterly as if he knew it would be like this.

“As you can see, I couldn’t stop her anymore because of this situation.”

“…I see.”

Why did I use Alisa in that battle? A belated regret washed over me like a tsunami. I felt like I had dug my own grave and even opened the coffin lid and crawled in.