In This Life, I Will Die As An Actress, Not As A Villainess [EN]: Chapter 4

Was I dreaming as I walked out of the audition room?

Was this right after the audition…?

Then, I suddenly remembered the words I saw when I first arrived in this world of the script.

‘Reward: Regression’

Could it really be…?

Just then, the PD [Production Director, a common term in Korean broadcasting] looked at me and smiled.

“Good job. You did very well.”

“…Thank you.”

The sensation of my voice trembling was unmistakable.

It’s not a dream.

I looked at the script in my hand.

Why does this keep happening to me?

The night I got drunk and yelled at Yoo Ji-an flashed in my mind.

Am I being punished for what happened that day?

But it didn’t feel like a punishment, especially since I had the opportunity to live a new life right in front of me.

This situation couldn’t be seen as a punishment.

Because I had dreamed of returning to this moment for nearly twenty years.

My hands trembled.

Every night, I had wished tens of millions of times to go back to my debut.

I wanted to live again.

I didn’t want to grow old like this, just acting.

While wishing for it, I had arrived back at the start of “Flat Shoes.”

It was like the first button of my life that was wrongly fastened, the beginning of the villain’s life that I desperately wanted to escape.

And my debut work, as precious as it was painful.

“Writer, what do you think of this actress?”

The PD asked writer Lee Si-young.

Writer Lee Si-young looked at me and nodded meaningfully.

“She’s good at acting. But…”

Everyone held their breath, listening intently to Lee Si-young’s words.

“She needs to come back with a deeper interpretation by the next time we meet.”

Those words struck me.

They were the same words from 20 years ago.

For some reason, the writer’s words pierced deeper into my heart than before.

I hadn’t realized it then, but the writer’s eyes were telling me that my acting 20 years ago was lacking.

‘A deeper interpretation.’

Writer Lee Si-young was known for scolding even the most famous, established actors and guiding them to find the right emotions.

The writer, who had shaped the history of Korean dramas, had been writing for thirty-five years before passing away from uterine cancer at the age of seventy.

The writer’s drama creed was simple.

‘Writing a drama is about creating a real world that we can live in.’

Although the writer had passed away, those words remained in my heart for a long time.

I felt that I probably hadn’t grasped a deep interpretation of the writer’s direction 20 years ago.

Before I knew it, an answer burst out.

“I’ll do it properly.”

I bowed my head and left the audition room.

I looked at the script in my hand again.

Yoo Ji-an’s lines came into view.

‘I have less than you. I have no one!’

Now I felt like I understood the painful emotions Yoo Ji-an had cried out.

Yoo Ji-an was a pitiful human being.

Like me.

* * *

Twenty years ago, Han Sae-na, who was twenty-one years old and auditioning, had done very well.

Perfect emotional control, gestures, expressions, and breath control.

Han Sae-na, always called the ace in college, was incredibly smart.

“If it weren’t for you! Everything would have been fine!”

She screamed with all her might, as if to show the judges, writer, and director, as if to say, “Look at me!”

The acting was filled with a certain madness, and that madness became the foundation for many *makjang* [over-the-top, melodramatic] drama actresses’ evil deeds.

“You ruined everything.”

She pounded her chest with her fist and performed the act of looking up at the sky and screaming.

It was a scene she had practiced hundreds, even thousands of times, perfecting the angle of her shoulders and arms, and even her twisted posture.

But Yoo Ji-an wasn’t in that performance.

The day she received applause, wiped away tears with a smile, and sensed her debut.

Yoo Ji-an was never there from the beginning.

I realized that now.

* * *

Inside the audition room after Han Sae-na left.

“She’s quite good for a rookie.”

“She’s a bit young, but isn’t she good enough to pass?”

People exchanged comments about Han Sae-na.

PD Moon Won-hyung watched writer Lee Si-young’s expression.

“Writer, isn’t she better than the actors before? Her pronunciation and basics are solid.”

The writer slowly nodded.

She still seemed to have something suspicious on her mind.

“It would be greedy of me to expect too much from a rookie.”

The PD smiled as if he understood the writer’s answer.

Everyone knew that she was a perfectionist.

“Then let’s finish the audition for now and watch her more closely in the future.”

“Thank you all for your hard work!”

* * *

As soon as I came out of the audition hall, the scenery around the broadcasting station from 20 years ago came into view.

The outdated clothes people were wearing, the buildings that were no longer there, the old asphalt, and the sky in Seoul that seemed a little clearer….

The sensations I had forgotten vividly returned to my skin.

I felt like I was trapped in a world that was isolated all alone.

I turned around for a moment and looked at the building I had come out of.

“I want to do it again. From the beginning.”

I muttered to myself.

Leaving the unknown things behind, there was only one thought in my head right now.

‘I’m filming “Flat Shoes” again.’

I suddenly recalled the bitter feeling I had when I briefly lived as Shin Se-ra.

Yoo Ji-an, like Shin Se-ra, had various emotions and a life full of color, but I had never expressed them.

‘Was the wrongly fastened button actually not this debut work, but… my acting?’

Were the villains who had made me a ‘predictable actor’ the ones I had made predictable….

The unknown possession and time-slip-like things that had happened to me….

I felt like I knew a little bit why it happened now.

I felt like I had been lazy myself.

I said I was acting and understanding humans, but I didn’t really know Yoo Ji-an.

I thought of Yoo Ji-an, whom I met in the script.

I wasn’t going to recreate Yoo Ji-an exactly.

I just wanted to show and tell people about Yoo Ji-an’s emotions again.

I wanted to play Yoo Ji-an again in a new way.

As I was walking down the street lost in thought, my reflection appeared in a building’s window.

I went closer to the window and stared at my face.

It was really the same as it was 20 years ago.

Han Sae-na, twenty-three years old.

“Young, young….”

I put both hands on my cheeks.

Taut skin, more compact features than now, and the fine lines unique to youth.

The kind yet cold face that many directors and writers had praised shone.

The person inside the building looked at me like I was crazy.

I was startled and stumbled in front of the building.

I slowly started walking again.

My steps felt strangely light.

These magical things felt like the last chance I’d been given in life.

* * *

“Why are you crying so much on a good day, Sae-na? Your eyes are swollen.”

The house I returned to after 20 years.

The three of us sat around the kitchen table together.

My young and healthy mom and dad, whom I hadn’t seen in so long, were sitting in front of me with puzzled faces.

As soon as I saw those faces, tears poured out endlessly.

“Eat up.”

Warm steam rose from the fried rice my dad made.

As soon as I took a spoonful of fried rice and put it in my mouth, tears welled up again.

20 years ago, as soon as I started filming “Flat Shoes” and got busy, I left home and lived separately. After that, I didn’t see my mom and dad often, and I eventually lost them both to illness and accidents.

“It’s so delicious.”

Then, the spicy pepper that crunched made my nose tingle.

“I… told you not to put peppers in.”

Filial piety exploded after a long time.

My dad laughed heartily at my words.

“You stayed up all night for days preparing for the audition, you worked hard, daughter!”

Mom smiled and nodded next to me.

“Then are you going to get a house separately now?”

I put down the spoon at those words.

“No, I’m not leaving the house.”

Mom and Dad were surprised at my answer.

“Huh?”

“How are you going to commute?”

“I don’t know, Mom and Dad will take me.”

I answered stubbornly.

“Hey, you have to say something that makes sense. Get a house right away, starting tomorrow!”

Mom said firmly.

Dad also watched my mood and coaxed me gently.

“Yes, daughter. Dad doesn’t want to send you out either, but what about Dad’s work if he takes you back and forth?”

“Don’t work. I’ll make money for you. Just don’t do anything. Just stay home!”

I started to whine.

“Hey, really! Why are you doing this?”

* * *

A few days later, in front of the UBN meeting room.

I took a deep breath, calming my trembling breath.

It was finally starting today.

I was about to start the script reading again after 20 years.

I tried to calm myself and reached out my hand.

The door opened slowly.

More than thirty people were sitting around in a large office.

I greeted my colleagues and seniors, whom I hadn’t seen in a long time, with a lot of enthusiasm.

Even though it was just a script reading, a couple of reporters were flashing their cameras.

I was reminded of the memories of that time again.

The flash was directed at the writer and director rather than the actors.

Writer Lee Si-young and Director Moon Won-hyung were so famous in the industry that “Flat Shoes” was a particularly anticipated work.

However, the writer seemed to ignore the camera and was only looking at the script with her back turned.

She’s still the same.

A slight smile touched my lips.

And most importantly.

“What is our goal?”

Director Moon shouted, and several staff members answered at the same time.

“Three percent! Just three percent!”

“Flat Shoes” was an ambitious work released by a general programming channel.

UBN had been open for a short time, and “Flat Shoes” was broadcasted amid various expectations and some contempt.

In many ways, “Flat Shoes” was at the center of attention.

“Hoo.”

I felt more nervous than I did 20 years ago.

“Okay, let’s start.”

With the director’s words, the actors all turned over the script.

The first scene to open the drama was when Yoo Ji-an clung to the male lead Cha Min-ho to attract his attention.

Actor Kim Jung-hoon was sitting right next to me.

Kim Jung-hoon also bowed his head and greeted me, as if he was a little nervous about the first shoot.

“Please take good care of me.”

“I look forward to working with you too.”

I felt all the staff’s attention was focused at once.

“*Oppa*, steak for you?”

I threw the first line in a bright voice.

“What steak.”

Actor Kim Jung-hoon replied stiffly.

“Ah, that’s right. I’m the one who likes steak!”

I delivered the words in an intentionally awkward tone.

The wavering voice contained a desperate desire to know if he knew what I liked.

“Or… is our chief serious about Korean food?”

I sent a clinging look, making eye contact with actor Kim Jung-hoon.

“What are you talking about? I’m busy.”

“Dinner menu. Ah, that’s right, I didn’t say let’s have dinner, I just said the menu first. I’ll ask again! Shall we have dinner?”

I shook the script as if holding a calendar.

“By the way, *Oppa*, is your schedule empty today?”

Then the senior actors next to me burst into laughter.

“Cute, Ms. Sae-na.”

“Full of spirit, huh?”

I smiled slightly in response to those words and said the line again.

“*Oppa*, you’re not even that handsome, so you can’t do this to your fiancée, right?”

I, who was far from being cute, had to become a docile woman in love.

The script said that Cha Min-ho was leaving the office, leaving Yoo Ji-an behind.

I brought out the urgent voice I was trying to hide.

“Today is our engagement anniversary!”

Actor Kim Jung-hoon sighed next to me as if he was bored.

“Ah, sorry. I have an appointment, shall we postpone it to the next time? I’ll take you to a nice place.”

“Who are you really meeting-!”

I showed an uneasy smile.

It was a smile that said I already knew who the other person was, and I hoped my guess was wrong.

For a moment, silence filled the wide room.

Actor Kim Jung-hoon closed the door and pretended to leave, and I heavily lowered the smile I had been trying to make.

I Will Live as an Actress in This Life