Magic Is Learned For Nothing [EN]: Chapter 3

# 3

I Evolve 2

The Legion, its auto-mode disengaged, crawled on the floor and tumbled off the corpse.

“Ughhhhh.”

Then, it vomited everything inside. Since all it had eaten the previous evening was grain bread and a bit of soup, there wasn’t much to expel.

After vomiting for a while, the Legion paused. A strange sensation was creeping up from its entire body.

-Warning! Unbearable muscle pain will soon occur. It is recommended to bite down on a rag or something.

What? What is that supposed to mean?

Before it could even question it, the pain arrived.

The pain, starting from the tips of its toes and fingers, spread to every nook and cranny of its body. A cramp in its calf. An excruciatingly painful cramp. The cramp that started in its calf eventually climbed up its thigh and took over its entire body.

Its lips parted, but a scream wouldn’t escape its mouth. Its limbs trembled. Its pupils were fixed and unmoving, staring at the sky.

It really… freaking hurt.

To the point where it felt like it would die. No, to the point where it would rather die. It wanted to shout, ‘Just kill me,’ but the sound only echoed inside its head.

-Hurts, doesn’t it?

Are you kidding me? Can’t you tell?

-You don’t know how to heal yet.

Heal? The molecular-level recovery ability that mages use? So what? Do you know how?

-…….

This bastard… doesn’t really know. He’s completely clueless about magic.

-Anyway, there’s no data on healing. But that doesn’t mean there’s no way to recover.

What is it? What is it? Tell me quickly. I’m dying of pain.

-Cash shop it.

What the heck is ‘cash shop’? Do I have to swallow gems again? I don’t have any gems left.

-Search the belongings of the dead assassins. Or dig up a gold mine. Otherwise, you’ll just have to endure it.

How long do I have to endure the pain?

-There’s a saying that ignorance is bliss.

Shut up and tell me!

-Okay, I’ll shut up and tell you. The primary pain will disappear in 76 hours and 21 seconds from now. 20 seconds, 19 seconds, 18 seconds. The remaining muscle pain will completely disappear in 3 days and 4 hours, 15 seconds, 14 seconds, 13 seconds.

Son of a…! I’m going to curse. So, you’re saying I have to roll around on this cold floor for 76 hours straight. I’m going to die like this.

-That’s why I’m telling you to cash shop it.

I don’t have any gems.

-I’m telling you to search the corpses.

Seriously… this is ridiculous. What kind of bastard is this? What’s infuriating is that I have no choice but to move according to the AI’s will.

It’s also thanks to the AI that I barely survived.

I need to know who he is, what he is, where he came from, and why he’s taken root in my mind. I needed information.

“Kuhk.”

The Legion crawled clumsily towards the corpses.

Each step sent a jolt of pain, like being electrocuted, through its spine.

It clenched its teeth and endured.

It searched the first assassin’s belongings. There was no money. Instead, there was a gold emblem. It was about the size of a coin. The Legion put the gold emblem in its mouth.

-Oh, pure gold 15g. Disassembling.

It felt the pure gold melting inside its body. And it also felt the pain of the twisted and torn muscles and bones gradually disappearing.

The Legion’s eyes widened. It was amazing. Suddenly, a strange thought occurred to it.

‘Am I going to have to live by eating minerals from now on?’

-Only minerals? Come on, don’t joke around. Why would a human live by eating minerals?

You ate the magic ore, Ertel, and gold.

-That’s a necessary procedure to maintain your body. You need energy.

So, according to you, gems are essential to recover my body.

-Bingo.

Then let me ask you something. Who the hell are you?

-Are you asking for my name?

That’s right.

-My name is Alexander Mark 87.

What kind of name is that?

-It’s named that way because it’s the 87th artificial intelligence created by Alexander de Parkinson.

Alexander?

-Genetically, your descendant. If you have children for about 27 generations, Parkinson will be born.

The 27th descendant?

-About 1,000 years later.

Our family isn’t ruined and still alive until then?

-The Alexander family’s genes have great abilities as swordsmen. They’ve produced two Sword Masters. They stubbornly survive. They survive even when the dynasty changes twice. They have cockroach-like vitality.

Is this bastard picking a fight with me right now?

Okay, let’s say that’s true. Why did an artificial intelligence from 1,000 years in the future appear to me?

-Simply put…….

Put it simply.

-To break the curse.

The curse?

-Yep. All the men in your family die young.

The Legion nodded. Come to think of it, his grandfather and father both lost their lives before they turned thirty. His grandfather on the battlefield, his father by assassination. But the two incidents were not related, so he didn’t think of them in the same context.

But that’s all because of a curse?

-Your sons, grandsons, and great-grandsons all die at the age of 29. And the last descendant is Alexander de Parkinson.

The last descendant?

-That’s right. They can’t have children.

Why?

-Azoospermia [the absence of sperm in the semen].

What’s that?

-No sperm.

I don’t know what that is, but I think I know what it feels like. Not being able to have children. So, the lineage will be cut off.

Wait a minute… I’m only 18 years old. It’s not my time to die yet.

-You’re not dying now.

Then?

-You’ll be on the verge of death. Then you’ll be discovered by a country girl.

Don’t tell me… you’ll fall in love with that country girl and have some fun?

-Yep. You know it well. But it’s not a happy ending. It’s a tragedy. You just plant the seed and die.

How?

-Miserably. In a state where the wound hasn’t healed, you go to fetch water to help your wife, slip, and hit your head on a rock…….

Hit and die?

-No, no, no, hit and get dementia [a general term for loss of memory, language, problem-solving and other thinking abilities]. You smear poop on the walls. You persistently harass your wife for about half a year. Your wife takes the twins and leaves home. You die lonely in a shack with hundreds of bedbugs. The estimated date of death is around November next year.

Oh! Son of a… I just plant the seed… and die so tragically?

-That’s why I came. To find the source of the curse.

Can I call you Mark 87?

-Inefficient. Just call me Mark.

Can’t you do anything about that speech pattern? Why do you keep adding ‘sam’ to the end of your words?

-It’s the latest trendy speech pattern in our world. So, you should adapt.

“Haa.”

The Legion sighed deeply.

In fact, like he said, the men in our family die young, so they get married early. My father, grandfather, great-grandfather… and above them, and above them…….

Come to think of it, it seems like we really are a family that dies young.

But what? I’m going to die smearing poop?

I barely survived… and then I die like that, it’s a strange feeling.

Anyway, does that mean it’s all over in 1,000 years? And the reason is a curse. And this strange bird flu-like named Mark, a great artificial intelligence, time-warped and appeared here?

Come on, does that make sense?

That artificial intelligence is inside my body, and the artificial intelligence used future technology to upgrade my body?

-That’s right. Almost all the plans were perfect. But in the end, you ruined everything. Couldn’t you press 1 even once like a fool? Your family’s genes have physical abilities that are incomparably superior to ordinary people. Why did you choose a mage?

That was a mistake!

-A mistake is a mistake.

So, am I done as a swordsman?

-I clearly said you can’t change jobs. Now you’re a mage. Find a way to become a great mage.

How?

-Well~.

This bastard. Mark 87……. He knows how to piss people off.

“Ughhhh.”

Was it because I was so frustrated? The muscle pain came back.

It didn’t hurt as much as the first time, but my muscles still ached as if they were about to break. The Legion crawled towards the corpses.

Normally, I wouldn’t have even looked at the corpses.

Especially such miserable corpses like this.

No, this is the first time I’ve ever seen such broken corpses. Nevertheless, he crawls to search the corpses’ belongings. That’s how significant the pain engulfing his entire body was.

“Hah, hah.”

He breathed roughly and searched the corpses’ belongings one by one. Unfortunately, there were no gold coins. But they each had a metal emblem.

“T, this is?”

He took out the metal emblem.

It wasn’t made of gold. It was yellowish. First, he puts it in his mouth. This is a feeling that is difficult to express in words. It was like becoming a human forge. As soon as he put the metal in his mouth, the words ‘Disassembling’ appeared on his retina and then it melted away.

It was the same now.

The yellowish metal melted in an instant and was absorbed into every corner of his body.

And-

-Passive skill has been activated.

Passive skill?

-Oh, you’ve already acquired a passive skill. What is it?

How would I know?

-‘Helicobacter Pylori, Go Away’ is a stage 1 passive skill. You can now have a refreshing bowel movement twice a day at 6 AM and 6 PM. If you continue to disassemble alkaline metals, you will be promoted to the next stage.

…….

The Legion didn’t say anything.

He pondered. What is a passive skill? It’s a skill that always has an effect without any special resources or mana consumption. Even the Legion, who is ignorant of magic, knows that much.

But this is the first time I’ve ever heard of a passive skill called ‘Helicobacter Pylori, Go Away’.

What am I supposed to use this passive skill for?

‘To be honest, I was a little constipated…….’

It wasn’t that uncomfortable. It was a problem that could be solved by sitting in the bathroom for about 30 minutes.

Once a day, or once every two days.

Why!

Why do I have to get this passive skill and have a bowel movement twice in the morning and evening?

And do I have to go at 6 o’clock? Can’t I go when my stomach hurts? Is it unconditionally 6 o’clock? Can this really be called a good passive skill?

Mark.

-Yes.

Can I ask you something?

-Anything.

What are the effects of upgrading the ‘Helicobacter Pylori, Go Away’ passive skill? I don’t have to go to the bathroom four times a day, do I?

-I don’t know that either. This is the first time I’ve ever heard of a passive skill called ‘Helicobacter Pylori, Go Away’.

Is this all a mage passive skill?

-Maybe it is? I think I’ve heard that mages often get constipated because they sit in chairs for a long time. Maybe that’s why this passive skill was created.

The Legion didn’t respond to Mark 87’s words.

He just silently stared at the Milky Way that adorned the dark sky. His whole body still ached. The pain didn’t go away easily.

But he was more annoyed than that.

The first magic he learned since he was born was magic to poop well.

* * *

The sun rises.

The Legion sat on the cold, frozen floor and watched the rising sun.

What happened to him felt like a dream.

Looking at the sun, which melted his whole body like a stove, he felt like he had woken up from a dream. The pain that felt like he was being beaten all over his body with a club had also decreased considerably. Mark said that if he had only had about 10g of gold, the pain would have been completely relieved.

Honestly, it was absurd.

The higher the grade, the more rare gems he puts in his mouth and disassembles, the more he can upgrade his body. Furthermore, he said that he can produce weapons using it.

Am I a factory or what?

Eat gems and make weapons from my body? Then does it come out when I poop? The more I think about it, the more absurd it is.

Still, it’s certain that Mark saved my life.

According to him, I was destined to barely survive today, fall in love with a country girl, plant the seed, and die with dementia.

“Good.”

The sunlight is warm.

It felt like his whole body, which had been frozen all night, was melting as he received the sunlight.

It would have been nice to have a cup of warm black tea, but it was too much to ask for that.

The Legion closed his eyes to enjoy the warmth of the sunlight. There was no cold winter wind blowing either. Below the mountain, he could see the village. Smoke was rising from the chimneys as they were preparing breakfast.

“Huh?”

The Legion felt a strange sensation. At the same time as receiving the sunlight, his dantian [an energy center in the body, according to traditional Chinese medicine] was being activated. ‘No way,’ he felt, and he listened to his body more closely.

Little by little, mana was filling up inside his dantian, like water droplets falling into a water tank.

It’s certain.

No way!

The Legion couldn’t help but exclaim.

Although the Alexander family is currently a barony, they had enjoyed great glory in the past. The secret technique passed down in the family was recognized as one of the kingdom’s four great swordsmanships.

In short, the Alexander family is a family of warriors.

That’s why he has a lot of miscellaneous knowledge about martial arts that he heard and grew up with. As far as he knows, there has never been a case where mana fills the dantian by receiving sunlight. He had never even heard of such a 심법 [a cultivation method or technique]. If mana fills up automatically by receiving sunlight… that would be the best 심법. All the 무가의 [martial arts families] people in the world would rush to steal the 심법.

It’s impossible and doesn’t make sense.

But now, mana was actually filling up by receiving sunlight.

The Legion jumped up from his seat.

“This can’t be. It doesn’t make sense!”

-What?

“Mana is filling up just by receiving sunlight!”

-Ah, I was wondering. It’s possible.

“Possible?”

-The super serum injected into your body contains the DNA of the Son of the Sun Super Supreme. You’ve won the lottery.

What’s a lottery?

-It means you’re very, very lucky.

At that moment, the Legion’s eyes flashed open. Something incomparable to anything he had ever felt engulfed his entire body.

His lower abdomen started.

Pururuk, pururuk.

It’s 6 AM.

The ‘Helicobacter Pylori, Go Away’ passive skill has been activated.

Shit.