Ep. 117
It happened.
Yeon-hoo and I were having a baby, inside my belly.
When I received confirmation of that fact, no one could possibly know how happy I was.
I also knew.
We were still twenty years old.
If we had a child so recklessly, how difficult it would be in the future. How much criticism we would receive from others.
Even knowing that, I accepted Yeon-hoo under the guise of safe days.
If a child could be born, even with a small, very small chance.
If there was proof of love.
If Yeon-hoo couldn’t easily throw himself for another life like in his previous life again. If there was a visible attachment that he shouldn’t recklessly throw himself away for.
If I could reduce the possibility of that endless despair even a little.
Yes, if it could be so.
I could endure any gaze, any hardship.
I felt sorry for Yeon-hoo, who would have to endure it with me.
It was just purely my greed.
Even though it was a pregnancy full of selfish motives, I loved Sarang as much as Yeon-hoo, apart from those feelings. I couldn’t feel any movement yet, but still, it was so precious and lovely.
Also, when the doctor let me hear the baby’s heartbeat.
-Thump, thump
Tears flowed down. I couldn’t help it. The proof of life inside me was so clearly felt.
Soon, I burst into sobs.
It was our baby.
One I couldn’t see before. One I would have definitely seen back then if Yeon-hoo had been safe.
Ours, Yeon-hoo’s, mine.
Baby.
—
Fortunately, Yeon-hoo was only taken aback by the fact that we were having a baby, and he never said anything about getting rid of it. As if he hadn’t even thought of it in the first place, I was grateful to him for worrying about the future.
Of course, I thought Yeon-hoo would be like that.
“Sarang.”
“Yeah?”
“Should we name our baby Sarang as the nickname?”
“If you like it, I’m fine with it. Isn’t it a bit common?”
“I don’t care about whether it’s common or not… I just, how should I say it? It’s so lovely. Both you, Yeon-hoo, and our baby. So that’s all I can think of.”
“Let’s do that, then.”
And we decided on Sarang as our baby’s nickname. It didn’t have any special meaning or significance. It’s just that, I couldn’t think of anything else.
It felt like my love for Yeon-hoo had manifested in this world.
“Our Sarang, you have to be quiet so Mom doesn’t hurt. Got it?”
“…Heu, heuheu… Mom… Yeah. I’m a mom now, right?”
“That’s right, Sarang’s mom.”
“That’s good… I like it so much, Sarang’s dad.”
Yes. We were now Sarang’s mom and dad. I will give all my love.
To Yeon-hoo, and to our Sarang.
—
Together with Yeon-hoo, I confessed to our parents that I was pregnant. They didn’t just blame our immature actions, but it seemed like they had many concerns in many ways.
What can I say in this situation?
If there is a sinner in this place, it is only me.
“It’s okay. Do you think I don’t know my kid? If that girl says let’s do it, how could you refuse?”
I couldn’t utter a single excuse to my mom, who was saying that the cause was obviously me, not Yeon-hoo.
In the midst of that, I was relieved that my parents were considering having the baby as a given. As long as they didn’t tell me to get rid of the baby, I could endure any criticism, any punishment. I was confident that I could endure it all.
It didn’t matter that we couldn’t have a wedding before Jung-hoo oppa [older brother] had his ceremony. Of course, I wanted to have one if I had the chance, but I didn’t need to do such things.
What was important wasn’t that. It was just that being with Yeon-hoo and Sarang was the most important thing.
“Then we’ll just register the marriage… and we’ll have to move out of the apartment. It’s a good thing in a way. Hee-na can use your room again, and Yeon-hoo should go back and focus until the college entrance exam.”
Because of that, I couldn’t accept this.
I couldn’t accept Yeon-hoo moving away from me.
“Can’t Yeon-hoo, can’t Yeon-hoo come with me? Or can I go instead…!”
The moment I heard my mom’s words, my mind went blank. It was okay to go back home. Or it didn’t matter if I lived at Yeon-hoo’s house.
As long as Yeon-hoo is by my side, I’m fine wherever I am.
“Lee Hee-na! Is this the time for you to be stubborn?!”
My mom raised her voice, but I couldn’t give in to it. This wasn’t stubbornness, it was something that had to be done.
Yeon-hoo, Yeon-hoo has to be by my side!
Absolutely!
After that, I couldn’t see anything. For the first time in my life, I raised my voice and fought with my mom. I didn’t even realize that my in-laws were watching next to me, or that Yeon-hoo was next to me.
I really don’t have the confidence to live. If Yeon-hoo isn’t by my side.
When my mom tried to drag me away.
“I don’t want to!!”
“Why aren’t you getting up?! How long are you going to be embarrassing in front of your in-laws…”
-Drip, drip
I couldn’t control my emotions. All I could think about was wanting to be with Yeon-hoo.
I know I did something stupid and immature.
But please understand.
“I… I don’t want to… Heuk… I, without Yeon-hoo… Heuaang… I can’t, I can’t… Heuheuk.”
I can’t live without Yeon-hoo.
Don’t take Yeon-hoo away from me.
Don’t let him move away from me.
“Hikkeuk… I won’t fall apart! Heuek… Heuaaaaaang…”
Please, please.
I don’t care about anything else.
Just let me be by Yeon-hoo’s side.
“I don’t, want to… Heuk… I want to… be with Yeon-hoo… Hikkeuk…”
That’s all I need.
—
Looking back after calming down, I couldn’t lift my face in shame. I couldn’t believe it. Of course, all those feelings, that heart, were my true feelings.
I can’t believe I showed my in-laws, Yeon-hoo, and my mom that I was crying like a child, being stubborn, and fighting with my mom.
I wanted to hide in a rat hole right away. The doctor did say that I would have mood swings in the future because I’m pregnant, but why did it have to be like this at a time like this?
My mother-in-law understood, saying it was because I was pregnant, but I was just embarrassed.
But even so.
In the end, I was happy that I could continue to live with Yeon-hoo in the future. I was grateful to Yeon-hoo for telling my mom that he would come to me first for my sake.
He was so cool when he hugged me tightly and confidently told my mom that he would be by my side.
“I’m sorry…”
“It’s okay. You were just anxious again, right?”
“Yeah… I feel like I can’t live without you by my side anymore…”
“Don’t worry. I told you. I’ll always be by your side.”
“I’ll believe you… Thank you for coming with me. I love you.”
“I love you too. Let’s go to bed early today. I’ll hug you until you fall asleep.”
Thank you for smiling kindly at my apology and saying that you would hug me until I fell asleep.
I love you.
—
After cleaning up the studio apartment and returning to my house, I started living in my room with Yeon-hoo. Just the fact that he was by my side made me feel stable, and if I was separated from him even for a moment, my anxiety soared.
It was as if Sarang was whispering to me. Never leave Dad.
Don’t worry, Sarang.
Mom will be with Dad forever.
And once again, happy days began.
“Dad is saying weird things. Right, Sarang?”
“No, Sarang is going to answer…”
“Sarang likes to be called ‘honey’ too. Or ‘darling’!”
“Heoheo…”
We just didn’t have the ceremony, but we were no different from a married couple. And now, I often called Yeon-hoo ‘honey’ rather than Yeon-hoo’s name.
Actually, it didn’t matter what I called him, but Yeon-hoo’s reaction when I called him that was so cute that I unconsciously did it more.
“Woong~ Mwah!”
“…Hee-na, again today?”
Also, when night came, I could now do whatever I wanted inside me without any hesitation, so I snuggled into Yeon-hoo every day.
“I think your mother noticed… Shouldn’t we restrain ourselves a little?”
“Mwah, mwah! Ung~ Mom knew every time we did it?”
I told him that it was already useless to worry about unnecessary things. While Yeon-hoo was studying, I already talked to my mom often.
How gentle and sweet he is at night. How good it feels to whisper ‘I love you’ countless times and gently caress me.
Especially now that I’m pregnant, I’m so happy that he treats me like a treasure because he’s worried about my body. Of course, I also liked it when he played with me like a toy.
I can’t even count how many times I’ve shared my feelings about that joyful and overwhelming moment with my mom.
“Let’s do it from behind. 응? [a soft, suggestive interjection]”
And while his eyes were already on my chest, I entrusted my body to him as he subtly tried to pull away. For days and days.
It will be difficult to do it soon, so I can do it as much as I want until then.
—
Yeon-hoo’s re-examination was progressing smoothly. His will was strong, and I was helping him study all day long, putting everything else aside.
And it’s not just because he’s my husband, but Yeon-hoo was really a kid who could do it if he tried. No matter how hard you study, it’s never easy to consistently improve your grades like this.
I was worried that he was overdoing it and focusing only on studying, but when I saw him holding back and working harder for me and Sarang, I couldn’t help but cheer him on.
After months of hard work.
Yeon-hoo was able to finish his re-examination with the best grades ever. Maybe, just maybe, it was foolish of my brother to drive him to the exam in the car on the day of the exam, but nothing happened as if it was natural.
As soon as the college entrance exam was over, Yeon-hoo took care of me, never leaving my side, as he had promised.
I was so grateful for that, so I became even more spoiled. Of course, my belly was getting bigger and bigger, and I felt Sarang growing day by day, and my anxiety and mood swings became more severe, but.
Not just that.
“Yeon-hoo, wake up…”
“Eu, ung…? What’s wrong?”
“No… I want you to hug me…”
“Haaam~ Okay.”
It was true that I wanted him to hug me when I opened my eyes at night. But I didn’t have to wake Yeon-hoo up.
But the way he listened to all my words, all my requests, and stayed by my side.
The way he followed me around like a puppy and accepted my whining.
I was so happy. So happy.
“I want to eat strawberries.”
“Really? Should I go buy some?”
“No. Stay by my side.”
“Don’t go?”
“I want to eat strawberries…”
“Wait a little. I’ll summon the strawberries.”
I wasn’t usually that moody that I would be so stubborn, but I was being stubborn.
In the end, it was my brother who suffered, so I felt a little sorry for him.
“If you go to the orientation, you’ll drink with other girls, right…?”
“I’m not going. Your due date is around that time, so there’s no way I’m going.”
“They’ll… call you ‘oppa’ [term for older brother/male used by females] and pour you drinks… and you’ll happily drink it…”
“They’re classmates, why would they call me ‘oppa’.”
“Then you’ll get drunk and lie down next to each other, get close, and then… Hikkeuk…”
“I’m not going, I said?! Calm down!”
“Heuaang…”
“Hee-na, I’m here! I’m not going anywhere! I’ll be by your side!”
But even this anxiety was genuine. Yeon-hoo is so cool, so sweet, and so kind.
He will definitely be popular with the female classmates. In a place where my eyes can’t reach, to a girl I don’t know, to a girl of the cute type that he likes.
Just imagining him smiling brightly at her like he does to me made my heart ache. When I was working at the cafe, I got so angry just by Yeon-hoo smiling at the customers.
I was already anxious about the first semester that he would be spending alone without me.
I wanted to lock him up at home, no matter what college he went to.
Besides that.
“I don’t want to!! Don’t go!!”
“Let’s just send you on a short outing~ It’ll only take about 30 minutes to go around the neighborhood?”
“I’m going with you!!”
“Oh my… I’m sorry, son-in-law.”
“It’s okay. Hee-na, come here, I’ll hug you.”
“You’re not going to leave me behind, are you…?”
“Where would I go? Come on, I’ll hug you.”
“Ung…”
I could never allow him to leave my side.
You can do anything, but you can never leave me behind.
You have to be by my side.
You can never leave your wife behind.
The wireless pager that Yeon-hoo got for me for my sake was the very proof of love itself. Whenever, whatever he was doing, all he had to do was press it and he would fly to my side.
Thank you. For always accepting my whining.
—
After relying on Yeon-hoo’s kindness and being spoiled for several months. With the due date approaching, I was hospitalized in advance.
The constant labor pains were a little difficult, but it wasn’t enough to be hospitalized yet. But I followed without complaint because they were worried about me.
Of course, Yeon-hoo followed me and took care of me even in the hospital.
A few days later.
As I had predicted, labor pains started from dawn. I cried out in pain that was incomparable to anything I had ever felt before, screaming and calling for Yeon-hoo.
“Heuk… Yeo, Yeon-hoo… Are you there?”
“Yeah, I’m here. I’m holding your hand tightly.”
“Keep, keep being there…”
“I’ll never go anywhere. Never.”
“Augh…!!”
I could hear his voice in my ear. That was enough. The pain didn’t decrease, but I could endure it if Yeon-hoo was by my side.
To his strong touch, holding my hand so tightly as if he was anxious.
“Later, let’s take Sarang and revisit all the places we used to go on dates. The three of us together.”
“Or we can take Hee-sung hyung [older brother] or Yoon-jung noona [older sister], since they feel sorry for them.”
“Sometimes, it seems like they want to see Sarang more than we do. Right?”
“It would be nice to go on a hot spring trip again. But would it be too hot for Sarang?”
“I’ll be by your side. I’ll be by your side forever.”
“Just a little, let’s try a little harder, Hee-na.”
“I love you.”
To his sweet voice whispering in my ear.
To his words looking forward to the future of the three of us.
It hurt so much that I felt like I was going to die.
But even so, I could bear it.
This much pain was nothing. I was screaming in pain, but I could endure it if Yeon-hoo was there.
I had felt even greater physical pain, and even greater mental pain.
Soon.
“Uwaaaaaang!!”
When the baby’s cry began to be heard in my ear.
My physical condition was terrible, but I wanted to see Yeon-hoo’s face more than anyone else.
“Our… Sarang, came out okay…?”
“Yeah… She’s very healthy. How are you? Are you hurting anywhere else?”
“I’m okay… Heuk, Sarang… I want to see our Sarang…”
And after confirming again that Yeon-hoo was by my side, I looked for our baby.
“So, so pretty… Hikkeuk… Sarang, so pretty… She looks just like you, Yeon-hoo…”
“She looks exactly like you more than me?”
“Heuk… No way…”
“I’m telling you, she does.”
Our baby, Sarang, who the nurse showed me in front of me, was truly an angel. I could tell at a glance that she was my and Yeon-hoo’s child.
She was wrinkled and tiny, but even so, I could see that she resembled Yeon-hoo.
And when Sarang came up on my belly, and I felt that warmth and the beating of her heart through my belly.
Tears flowed, I was moved, and I could once again realize that she was the baby I gave birth to.
I was out of my mind, and I was very dizzy from crying and screaming so much. But I was sure of one thing.
We are now, not two.
That we had become a family of three.
—
I was sorry to everyone for all the irresponsibility, with my own anxiety, stubbornness, and immature behavior that I could never have imagined before.
To the families who have to take care of us, to Sarang who came to us too early because of her foolish mother. To Yeon-hoo, who has to take care of this annoying woman for the rest of his life.
Since when, I feel like I’m only doing things that make you suffer, rather than taking care of you.
But I, I’ll try harder in the future.
As your wife, as Sarang’s mother.
I’ll really do my best.
I’m always sorry.
And thank you.
I’ll love you until I die.
Please stay by my side.
I love you, Yeon-hoo.
Welcome, Sarang.