Elqueeness [EN]: Chapter 193

193.

“It seems everyone has scattered.”

Sibley said with a troubled expression, as if guessing why I was scanning our surroundings. My mood was just as complicated, having confirmed the situation I had half-expected. After looking around for a while, Sibley sighed and muttered.

“To think it’s an anti-spell that distorts space. Whoever created this dungeon is no ordinary person.”

“Anti-spell?”

“It’s a spell hidden within another spell. When the first spell is forcibly broken, it triggers a reaction. In this case, the first spell is usually just there to set things up, and this one is closer to the real spell.”

“I see. So, the mirror was a trap after all?”

“Exactly. And it cleverly guided us so we couldn’t avoid it even knowing it was a trap. This kind of anti-spell isn’t something just anyone can do, even among high-level mages… But a Spirit King should know this kind of thing automatically, right?”

Sibley glanced at me suspiciously, as if feeling uneasy after explaining. I didn’t have any excuses, so I just shrugged awkwardly.

“You’re really strange.”

“Well, maybe. I don’t know everything. I’m just a little slow to catch on.”

“…It’s like you two switched places.”

“What do you mean?”

“El is human, but he’s so unlike a human that it’s weird. But you’re a Spirit King, and you’re so human.”

Maybe we really did switch places. I chuckled at the bitter thought. Then, Sibley’s voice followed, sounding a little angry.

“Is holding back a habit of yours?”

“Huh?”

I tilted my head, bewildered by the unexpected question. He wasn’t looking at me, his gaze fixed elsewhere. He looked somehow troubled.

“I know I don’t have the right to say this, but all the situations so far, from your perspective, have been completely unfair. So why aren’t you angry? Even if you don’t get mad at the other Spirit Kings, shouldn’t you at least take it out on me or El?”

“…It’s not really your fault.”

“That’s what I mean; it’s weird to think that way. As far as I know, Spirit Kings prioritize their own feelings; they’re not the type to hold back while weighing the rights and wrongs like that. Do you know how much like El you are when you do that? Damn it, now that I think about it, you said your easygoing personality was shaped by your predecessor. I understand why you’re like El.”

“…….”

I was speechless at the blatant sarcasm. Sibley immediately looked regretful, as if he realized he had gone too far.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to say that. It’s just that I get angry whenever I see you. Ever since I found out you weren’t El, I’ve felt betrayed.”

“…I never said I was ‘El.’”

“I know. You even hated it. But I was sure you were El. …To be honest, I still can’t shake that thought.”

“What?”

The last words were almost a mutter, but I could still hear them. He can’t shake that thought? Does he still think I’m El’s reincarnation? I was taken aback by the unexpected revelation and stared at Sibley. He ran a hand through his hair, looking annoyed, and sighed briefly.

“I said you were like El earlier. Conversely, when I look at El now, there are times when he doesn’t feel like himself. …For example, suddenly collapsing the ground and endangering everyone.”

“Huh?”

But didn’t he defend El back then? The memory of being embarrassed in front of everyone was still vivid, so I was dumbfounded that he was saying this now. Sibley looked embarrassed, as if he himself was feeling awkward.

“I was actually a little surprised back then. I understood why El did it, so I accepted it right away, but it’s true that I didn’t think it was like him. Besides that, I’m a little taken aback when I see him acting carelessly. I wonder if El had this side to him.”

“I, I see.”

“Of course, El was a bit daring in the past too. I know that the current El has the same actions and values as the one in my memory. But it feels strange, so I wondered why. I thought about it carefully, and it seems like I’ve gotten used to you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve adapted to your reactions, so if El doesn’t act like you, it feels strange. I’m unconsciously comparing El to you.”

“……!”

This was truly unexpected. As soon as our eyes met, Sibley gave a twisted smile. Self-mockery, contempt, shame, and regret flickered across his distorted face.

“It’s ridiculous, right? You can laugh all you want. I’m confused because I can’t understand myself either.”

“Laugh?”

“Why? It’s something anyone would laugh at, right? I get so annoyed with myself every time! El is my precious friend! But why am I comparing him to someone else and thinking he’s not like himself? What are you really? What the hell are you?”

His gaze was full of resentment. I was the one being cornered, but he looked like an abandoned child. I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t get a single word out, even when I opened my lips. Eventually, Sibley sighed again as he saw me choose silence.

“Haa, never mind. It’s no use talking to you about this. This is something I have to solve myself. Sorry. Forget what I just said. I didn’t mean to blame you.”

“Sibley…….”

“Anyway, let’s end this conversation here. I think we should find the others first. They’re probably all wandering around by now.”

Until he concluded the story and wrapped up the situation on his own, there was nothing I could do. Sibley sighed softly, then turned and walked away. As soon as I heard the door open and close, I hurriedly followed him. But the hallway I rushed out into was already empty.

“Sibley?”

I called out his name, but there was no answer. He seemed to have gone too far to hear me in that short amount of time. The path split in two directions, both curving inward. I couldn’t tell which way Sibley had gone, so I just started walking. At that moment, someone suddenly popped out from the curved path. I was startled and tried to take a defensive stance, but then I heard a familiar voice.

“Ah, you were here?”

“……El!”

The person I ran into was none other than El. My body relaxed on its own as I recognized the familiar face. He seemed to have been looking for us as well. It was clear he had been separated, but he spoke to me calmly without any sign of urgency, which was just like him.

“We were closer than I thought, huh?”

“Yeah. I’m really glad to see you. By the way, have you seen Sibley?”

“Sibley? No, I haven’t.”

“I see. Actually, he was with me until just now. He went out first, but he’s already disappeared.”

“Hmm, is that so?”

“He must have gone the other way. Let’s hurry and catch up before we lose him.”

“Yeah, we should.”

For some reason, his response was lukewarm. I stopped walking and turned around. El was still standing there, not moving.

“El?”

“Why did Sibley go first?”

“Huh?”

“Everyone knows that acting alone is dangerous in this kind of situation. Normally, you’d try to stick together. I was wondering if there was a reason he left you behind.”

“Ah, that’s…….”

I couldn’t answer right away because it was a piercing question, and I hesitated. El asked with a look that suggested he had guessed something.

“Did you fight?”

“N, not really…….”

“Or, was Sibley uncomfortable being with you?”

“……!”

My eyes must have wavered. El, who had been watching me intently, chuckled.

“I actually knew. That he’s still confused when he sees you and me. That he’s deliberately distancing himself from you because he doesn’t want to admit it. We could just all be friends; there’s no need to try to distinguish who’s real and who’s not. He’s such a foolish person.”

“Hey, El…….”

“You have to understand. Unicorns are originally bad at interacting with others. They tend to form narrow and limited relationships throughout their lives, but in return, they cherish and cling to those few relationships very much. Just having someone who resembles their friend must make him feel threatened. It must be even more confusing since he’s even getting mixed up.”

“…So it’s all because of me.”

“I can’t say it’s not. Even if it’s not your fault.”

“…….”

My heart grew cold at his sharp tone. Unlike the smile on his lips, El’s eyes weren’t smiling at all. Was he angry? I was about to carefully gauge his mood when he spoke.

“So, what do you think about yourself?”

“Huh?”

“Your current appearance and personality. Aren’t you upset about being someone else’s look-alike? Do you want to keep being like that? Don’t you think it’s time to find your own identity?”

“What… are you talking about?”

El’s smile deepened at my bewildered question.

“I’m just curious about your thoughts. To be honest, I find this situation a bit amusing. So I was just going to watch, but seeing Sibley struggling like this, I don’t think I can stay still any longer. Sibley told you before, didn’t he? That he wants you to put things back in their place. You haven’t forgotten already, have you? Or, are you enjoying this too? Do you want to torment me and Sibley?”

“What? N, no! That’s not it at all.”

“If not, can you make your attitude clear? You’re neither a Spirit King nor a human, you. Because you’re clinging to an ambiguous position, other people are having a hard time dealing with you. Haven’t you noticed that Isna and Alisa get nervous every time they see you?”

Of course, I knew. But it was also a problem that I couldn’t do anything about. By changing my name and accepting El, I thought I had done the best I could. But was that not enough? Am I making the people around me suffer?

The face of Sibley, who was venting his frustration at me, came to mind. He was unilaterally angry, but I could feel that he was also suffering, which hurt so much that I couldn’t say anything. Does my existence itself cause such great pain to someone?

“I… I don’t mean to…….”

As I struggled to open my mouth to make excuses, El immediately shook his head. My shoulders shrank at the sound of his sigh.

“Of course, you wouldn’t want to. But that’s how the situation is unfolding.”

“…Is it all my fault?”

“I don’t know. It’s a confusion caused by the fact that the two of us are too similar. In this case, it’s the fault of the one who copied the other.”

The one who copied.

My head grew hot at the blatant expression. I felt angry and wanted to cry. El tilted his head slightly, as if my emotions were clearly visible on my face.

“Why? Are you flustered because I’m being too blunt? Well, it’s true that you didn’t want this to happen. But if one of us is fake, then the fake one is the one who copied the real one, right?”

“…….”

“If you’re confident, answer me. Who are you? Can you really say that the current you is the real you?”

No, that can’t be.

I was speechless and about to close my mouth when something lukewarm flowed down my cheek. I touched it without thinking and felt my hand getting wet. Only then did I realize that I was crying. I blinked for a long time, feeling a little strange even in this situation.

How long has it been since I cried? At some point, no matter how hard I tried, tears wouldn’t come out. I thought I had forgotten how to cry, but that wasn’t the case.

As I stared down, the water droplets swirling on my fingers disappeared as if they were being absorbed into my skin. This is a phenomenon that wouldn’t happen to an ordinary human. The proof that I am the Water Spirit King is so clear. Even so, I couldn’t express myself, and I let out a hollow laugh.

Who am I?

Well, I don’t know anymore. Who am I? What was I born for, and what do I exist for? Before and now, I was just existing as me. That was all.

My parents in my past life said the same thing: that I wasn’t loved because of my actions, so I had to change.

Am I someone who can only be recognized if I try to change? Is there no one who accepts me as I am now? Then where is the real me? If I find the real me, can I be recognized? Is that really the real me?

‘…Why is it so hard?’

I was exhausted and felt like my whole body was tattered. I wanted to complain about this frustrating feeling to someone, but then I realized that I didn’t even have anyone to turn to. I don’t have a mom, and I don’t have a dad. I think I used to have friends, but not anymore. Then wouldn’t it be better to just let go of everything now?

‘It would have been better if I hadn’t been born in the first place.’

Negative thoughts make people sink endlessly. Even knowing that, the reason I can’t stop is perhaps because it’s more comfortable to be at the bottom, where I can’t sink any further. Then I wouldn’t have to have any expectations.

I didn’t want to think about anything anymore. I slowly closed my eyes and blocked my ears. I felt like my mind was gradually fading away, like I was falling into a deep sleep.

“…Jihoon?”

I heard El calling my name.

I knew I should respond, but I consciously ignored it. If I answered that call, I would be hurt again. I didn’t think I could bear it this time. So, I won’t listen anymore. Yeah, that’ll be okay.

“Huh? Wait a minute. Are you really falling asleep?”

Beyond my fading consciousness, I could feel his bewilderment. Ah, right, I’m falling asleep now. Only after hearing those words did I realize my current state. But it wasn’t so bad. The feeling of my whole body becoming languid felt rather good. I just wanted to let go of everything and fall asleep forever, and I wouldn’t have any regrets.

“…Hoon? No, El? El! Wake up! Ugh, this isn’t good?”

Was it a delusion from falling asleep? El’s urgently shouting voice felt like it was changing strangely. And why was he calling me El? That name is his.

With a fleeting question as the last thing on my mind, a pitch-black darkness covered my eyes. I thought I heard someone muttering in a troubled voice near my ear. It was a voice I had never heard before, even with my heavily sinking senses.

“Ugh, what should I do? I’m going to get scolded a lot for this.”