Becoming An Idol Wasn’T On My Plan [EN]: Chapter 324

“Then, since it’s recess at kindergarten, shall we have a leisurely chat?”

Kijisaeng, looking utterly exhausted, conjured a bottle of Demisoda [a popular Korean soft drink] out of thin air.

Good heavens, this is only the second time I’ve talked to him face-to-face, and it’s the first time I’ve witnessed such a marvel.

“My beloved Dong-hwa.”

“Using my face like that, really…”

It’s a bit much to say, but I can’t stand the sight of it. If there were lines on the screen, I’d unplug them, but alas, it exists in the air.

Kijisaeng, as if not caring about my reaction, languidly propped up his face.

It’s novel to see my face from an objective, third-person perspective.

When I look in the mirror, there’s a clear recognition of ‘me,’ but now, even that feels like someone else unless I consciously think about it.

“I told you not to. Wasn’t it more fun to dig up secrets when people were happy? I didn’t expect this!”

“Sorry.”

Honestly, I didn’t think it would be a problem. In the past, spacetime was unstable due to side effects, but Kijisaeng himself said it had stabilized.

“Even though I’ve been a bit out of it lately, I didn’t think I’d be scattering evidence like that with my own mouth.”

Kijisaeng lamented. He’s wearing a kindergarten uniform, and the animals are wearing them too; he must have designed them himself.

“Yes. I even made a sign; would you like to see it?”

Then, Kijisaeng pulled out a sign from somewhere, presumably with letters engraved on an iron plate and painted.

Good heavens.

I was speechless.

“Don’t tell me the design is terribly awful?”

It’s worse than awful.

The long underwear Mok-hwa gave me as a gift has a more plausible design. At least that had room to pretend it was okay.

That, that, really. No matter which era or paradigm you apply, it’s impossible to… it’s not just that you can’t call it beautiful, you can’t even call it aesthetic.

It desperately flaunts the failure of pursuing beauty. Even exhibiting a junkyard would offer more to think about than that.

Kijisaeng, sensing my rudeness, shifted his gaze elsewhere and smirked.

Even if I don’t say it, my thoughts flow in anyway. I tried not to think about it, but my senses are much more immediate, so I couldn’t stop it.

“It’s going to be my final work.”

I straightened my posture.

Oh dear, what to do. I feel nauseous. I realize deep in my bones how precious lies are to humans.

“Impossible, lying, that is. I’m reading your thoughts one by one, so I probably understand you better than you do yourself.”

It feels like observing a fragment of what society would be like if thoughts had to be revealed to the whole world.

“…Okay.”

More than that.

“Final work.”

“Yes, you were pretty sure, weren’t you?”

“Ha.”

I sighed deeply and closed the lid of the in-flight meal. This moving thing is momentarily disconcerting. I guess what I want to move, moves. It’s a bug here too.

“The reason you didn’t say anything is…”

Kijisaeng smiled subtly.

“Because I cherish you so much.”

I feel like I’m going to throw up.

Not because the words are disgusting, but because my life is built on someone else’s sacrifice.

It’s like realizing that the ground I’m standing on is etched with the history of war; I felt like I was going to throw up.

“So?”

And again, Kijisaeng smiled subtly.

“Because the probability of you doing that is too high.”

“…Haa.”

I took a breath.

I’ve already become someone else. If it were me, no matter how badly I treated myself, there would be no problem. That’s ingrained in the foundation of my thinking.

However, if it’s someone else, if it’s not me.

My head throbbed.

“Yes, that’s also correct.”

Kijisaeng smiled subtly again and again.

“What I said about synchronizing isn’t a lie. Um, so…”

Kijisaeng took another sip of Demisoda, his eyes blank as he pondered.

He looks like he’s considering where to start and how to explain it before explaining something.

“Systemically, there’s a certain threshold where choosing one side is more rational than synchronizing.”

I kept taking breaths.

Kijisaeng continued to avoid eye contact, looking down as if contemplating how best to explain it to make it easier to understand.

“Mixing water and mud isn’t that hard, is it? On the other hand, rather than struggling to mix water and oil, it’s better to just choose water. At some point, it crosses a threshold…”

I got up from my seat and ran to the bathroom.

I stuck my head in the toilet and vomited up nothing but stomach acid, even though I hadn’t eaten much. Nevertheless, the nausea didn’t stop.

Damn it, I feel like I’m going to die.

I tasted blood in my mouth. I flushed the toilet and went to the sink to rinse my mouth several times.

In the mirror, I was pale.

A face that makes you want to swear. I hate seeing it.

Then, the screen reopened in front of me. Tearing through space, poof.

“Don’t talk nonsense. Frankly, we’re handsome.”

Blank eyes. Because there’s nothing in them, I could tell there was no intention to tease. But.

“Who would believe that if they heard it after seeing the sign you made?”

I’m going to find out anyway. Let’s just spit it out.

I wiped my mouth with my wrist.

“Being handsome is a concept composed of the consensus of the majority, right? Consider that I can read other people’s minds. Tastes may differ, but we’re handsome.”

I put my hands on the sink and took a breath.

The beauty of appearance is not important. It’s enough as long as I’m not so ugly that the fans are disappointed.

“I feel sorry for you every time you’re like this.”

The screen floated in the air, constantly spewing words at me.

“It’s not a sacrifice you asked for, and I like this. Is this even a sacrifice in the first place? It’s just that the result of my choice has been revealed like this. Even if you look at it from your values…”

I feel nauseous again.

“I’m sorry, I’ll cancel it. I thought I was really going to die when I threw up.”

I stared at the back of my hand. Why didn’t I think? Not thinking is no different from evil.

I looked back into the mirror.

Kijisaeng turned his gaze to the side to check something when I didn’t say anything.

He must be looking into my head. Then he laughed as if he was dumbfounded.

“Kijisaeng.”

“Even if you know, nothing will change.”

“Tell me why you were so sure it was impossible.”

I’m too stupid to know. Why, why is it impossible for you to come here.

Kijisaeng stared at me from across the screen for a moment, then opened his mouth.

“Everything will be erased.”

“More details.”

“When you come here, the very fact that I existed here will be erased. There’s no way to revive data that has been discarded without a trace. You can make something similar, but that’s not what you want, is it?”

“…Stop it.”

“Impossible.”

“Please.”

“I told you it’s impossible. In the first place, being erased means being lost from memory as well. You can forget about me and be happy.”

That’s what I can’t do. I was given the gift of life. I must repay that grace, no matter what. Just because of the rules, even memory is not allowed, which is just.

I stared at the back of my hand.

It’s blurry. Damn it, no. Morality and ethics aside, just, no.

“…Um, I’ll tell you what you said.”

I couldn’t see Kijisaeng’s face because I was looking down. I didn’t have the courage to see what kind of expression he had.

“I don’t think of it as a favor.”

No.

“Even if it is a favor, there’s no need to repay it.”

That’s not true.

“If you think you’ve received a favor, I hope you live your life to the fullest.”

So this is what the heart of prophecy is like, damn it.

“That can’t be.”

“It’s a sincere truth without a single lie.”

What, how is this a different being? Synchronize, damn it. I racked my brain.

“…If I become like you from now on.”

Smirk.

Even though Kijisaeng was laughing, I still couldn’t look up.

“I don’t want you to cut ties with Mok-hwa. Not to mention the members.”

I took another breath.

“You might be able to do that, but I don’t want that even more.”

I’m having trouble breathing. My head is burning. My vision is still blurry.

“Haha, really.”

But in an instant, with a brief stinging sensation, all those symptoms disappeared.

…What.

I slowly raised my head.

“If I wanted to move you as I pleased, I would have already done so.”

Kijisaeng was smiling. As if he was sure he had eliminated all the symptoms.

Thanks to you, I have more work to do, he says, smiling.

“Did you think it would be impossible to move you as I pleased?”

Come to think of it, this guy was the one who forcibly injected knowledge into my head in the first place. There’s no way it’s impossible to force a certain thought.

It’s just that I didn’t know because he never intervened when I didn’t act as Kijisaeng wanted.

Doing things you don’t want to do, that also constitutes a difference.

Whether I live as I am or not, the difference between us will not disappear if Kijisaeng doesn’t want it. That’s why Kijisaeng declared it impossible.

“I like your life.”

I just looked at Kijisaeng’s face.

“I really like the trajectory of you living your life with your own will.”

He looked proud.

“Sudden accidents or disputes with someone in an uncertain future, and the emotions that arise from them. I’m satisfied with all of that. As you said, I lived hating everything, but I’m happy that you’re not like that.”

Kijisaeng leaned back cheerfully.

“I have no regrets. At least I’ve created a world without any scheduled events, right? It’s only possible here in the space-time I manage. An unstable world where you don’t know what will happen next! That’s why I’m still grateful to you. Otherwise, would I ever have thought the world was beautiful?”

I took a breath.

What should I do? I couldn’t figure out what kind of heart I should live with.

Why are you excluded from that world? I felt like everything was pressing down on me.

“Just live well. Or start drinking Demisoda and reminiscing about me. How can you drink coffee or energy drinks?”

Kijisaeng then gestured somewhere across the screen. Then a fox trotted up and snuggled into his arms.

“Say hello in advance. She hates you a little.”

“…I don’t want to say hello.”

A cute fox that doesn’t even give me a glance.

“Then you can’t, Hyun. She and I are the same.”

“If that were the case, Teacher wouldn’t disappear.”

Kijisaeng smiled awkwardly. The difference in attitude when dealing with ‘Ji Dong-hwa (Kijisaeng modified version)’ is clear.

It’s because the original is Lee Hyun-jae, otherwise he would have been manipulated right away.

Kijisaeng slyly covered the fox’s eyes. The fox rubbed its head against his hand obediently. It didn’t seem to know that he was trying to cover its eyes.

“The kid is watching.”

I hope that child hates me too.

That way, I can vividly feel that Kijisaeng existed until I repay Kijisaeng’s grace.

“…It’s amazing that you haven’t given up yet. Eventually, this child will gradually forget me too. So will you.”

“Don’t ignore me.”

“That’s right!”

The fox agreed with my words for the first time.

“There’s no way I’ll forget.”

The fox muttered gloomily, thinking that raising its voice was rude.

Kijisaeng smiled warmly and stroked the fox’s head.

“Why does she like me so much?”

“…Because you’re likable.”