Becoming An Idol Wasn’T On My Plan [EN]: Chapter 368

He made a perfectly logical excuse that he needed to stop by home before dinner and hurriedly called Mok-hwa.

I am so different from Ji Dong-hwa in the past.

Unlike Ji Dong-hwa, who at least knew what clothes looked neat to others, my sense of aesthetics is completely dead.

“What’s up?”

“…I need to make a good first impression.”

The clothes I wear when I go to see Chae Ha-min are too shabby. Even if I don’t dress up or decorate, I have to leave at least a neat impression.

Why did Lee Hyun-jae try to become friends with me? Ji Dong-hwa pondered.

I interviewed him because I wondered why a Korean literature professor at Korea University, who surprisingly read my novels well, suddenly quit writing. That was the beginning of our friendship.

So, should I first show him that I’m good at my job and then quit?

“No way. Hyung [older brother or male friend], calm down. Why are you twisting your logic to this point?”

“Mok-hwa, regardless of the academic field, in empirical studies, having a precedent is inductively…”

“Ah, it’s been a while. I missed this bullshit.”

Thud, the words were cut off. Our Mok-hwa, how cute.

Ji Dong-hwa used to find it funny when others were cut off, but I thought it would be unpleasant to experience it myself. But it wasn’t. Looking at it now, it’s just cute.

“Leave it to me. I’ll coordinate your outfit today, hyung. This is a first. My little brother actually has a pretty good fashion sense.”

Mok-hwa opened the closet and smiled brightly.

“Neatness, huh…”

While Mok-hwa was picking out clothes, I thought of Carnegie’s famous book [likely referring to “How to Win Friends and Influence People”]. That damn practical guide—I threw it in the trash as soon as I read it—but the content was so simple that it was easy to summarize, and I ended up memorizing it all.

First, advice for making a good impression in the first conversation, if you can put it into practice right away: You have to smile well. It’s very difficult for a gloomy person.

I subtly raised the corners of my mouth and was overcome with a sense of futility.

It’s embarrassing, damn it. Was making friends always such a shitty process?

Ji Dong-hwa, help me.

[Tell me.]

How do I make friends?

[How can I help you with that?]

A sigh bubbled up from my lungs. I did my best for you, no matter what you asked.

[I can give you all the weaknesses of the people around Chae Ha-min.]

I can do that too, you bastard.

I have no experience approaching someone first. When I was in Siun Hall [likely a study hall or academy], I didn’t try to become friends with the kindergarteners, but rather became friends as I taught them.

No, honestly, I was aloof with everyone except the fox.

[Chae says he’s upset. Hwa tells him to shut up. Hyun is watching you with a smile.]

Ah, I’m embarrassed. I feel like the circuit that triggers emotions is burning hot. A teacher asking his students how to make friends…

Without thinking, I looked in the mirror and raised the corners of my mouth.

It’s a really pathetic face. How should I fix this cold impression that makes me suspected of being a sociopath?

Thud, I heard something light like clothing falling next to me. Following it with my eyes, I saw Mok-hwa frowning at me.

“…Hyung, I’m seeing a side of you I never thought I’d see.”

I know, right? How absurd is this? Trying to do something that people don’t do suddenly twisted me from the inside.

“Were you that close to Hyun-jae hyung?”

“No.”

We weren’t close. It was, well, if I had to say, like sharing a cheap heater on a cold winter day, knowing how chilly it was, without knowing anything about each other.

Just like meeting by chance in front of the heater, warming our hands, exchanging short conversations like, ‘It’s cold,’ ‘It is,’ and then being engulfed in silence.

* * *

“Hyung, a new collection of papers just came out today, do you want to read it?”

“Put it there.”

What was I doing then? I was probably immersed in science-related papers. Writing science fiction novels and getting paid for them, I piled up countless papers and read them mindlessly.

And Lee Hyun-jae tried to guess what I was thinking by roughly skimming through them.

“I did some background checks.”

“Yeah.”

“Instead of that, you should meet your brother and apologize now.”

“…Hyun-jae.”

“Dealing with your parents is a pain in the ass, so I ran away, but it’s frustrating every time I see you.”

The door of this house was always open to Lee Hyun-jae.

Why was that? Well, it was close to empathy. Lee Hyun-jae was mentally twisted, and so was I.

With the feeling of sharing a heater, I told him he could come and rest anytime.

“Don’t go to Mok-hwa.”

Normally, I would have despised it.

How dare you interfere in someone else’s life. But since we had been sharing the heater for quite some time, I thought it was okay to say this much.

Calling him Mok-hwa instead of my brother was also a warning. If you’re as gloomy as you are, you would have checked everything through background checks, so don’t cross the line.

“Haa, I hate interfering with other people more than anything else in the world.”

I know. How much he has been interfered with by his parents.

That’s why he grew up twisted, and he uses the weaknesses he has diligently collected to subdue his parents and live as a show-window family [a family that appears perfect on the surface but has underlying issues].

Lee Hyun-jae is famous as a professor with good character, but that was far from the truth.

Then Lee Hyun-jae changed into comfortable clothes instead of his usual suit and lay down on the sofa.

He ordered coffee with his phone and read the book he brought.

It was always like this. All we did together was short conversations and reading.

But if that continues for more than three years, you end up becoming attached.

Just like warming yourself by the heater with someone you meet every year, and suddenly asking, ‘So, how are you doing these days?’ it’s not unreasonable to feel a vague desire to help when you get the answer, ‘Life is a bit tough.’

I don’t want to interfere with others, a belief that Lee Hyun-jae always holds.

He even gave up on that belief several times and suggested dozens of ways to relieve my depression.

In fact, this was the same for me. I had listened to Lee Hyun-jae’s concerns and given him advice a few times.

That must have felt like some kind of permission.

“Hyung, shut up and follow me. I’m afraid you’ll make some strange choice.”

Lee Hyun-jae was very angry that day. On the other hand, I was immersed in the thought that if I researched a little more, maybe…

We had the same goal, but there was bound to be conflict because the methods of achieving it were different.

Fierce eyes. That’s when I realized.

He had already investigated everything, from where my brother was to when I should go to meet him.

Maybe he even made an appointment to meet him today.

“…No.”

“What? I’m going to grab you by the collar and throw you in front of your brother.”

I know. That’s a tenacious action born out of concern.

Lee Hyun-jae, surprisingly, respected me quite a bit.

I also knew that he considered me his only friend after spending three years together.

“I chose this, Hyun-jae.”

And I couldn’t.

How could I abandon my brother with my own two hands and be friends? That’s not the attitude of a person atoning.

“Hyung, seriously. If that’s the case, you should have stopped me from coming into this house in the first place.”

That’s right. If a lonely person gives a lonely person a place to stay, they are bound to be tightly bound by the name of friendship.

“You chose this too.”

That’s right too.

I was lonely. Who wouldn’t be lonely?

I just needed someone to share the heater with.

Even if I couldn’t call them a friend, I just wanted to have someone I knew.

I fell into a self-contradiction.

I should have held out until the end. I should have died lonely until the end.

Logic collapses, and emotions overflow. I feel nauseous at myself, making it hard to bear.

I pushed Lee Hyun-jae out the door as he was. From today on, I will no longer open the door even if he rings the bell.

That was right, this is it. Let’s live as planned.

And when the research was completed, when I thought I could really go back.

“Hyung, if you don’t open the door today, I’m going to break it down.”

A low warning echoed from outside the door.

Clang, clang, the sound of cement and rebar colliding poured in from outside the door.

I found out later that he was smiling brightly outside the door with a sledgehammer (commonly known as a “ohammer”) in his hand while wearing a suit.

His smile was always bright, so that meant he wasn’t crazy. Or maybe he was crazy from the start.

Even so, I didn’t open the door and turned off the intercom in the basement.

Lee Hyun-jae seemed annoyed by that, swore once, and then struck the doorknob horizontally.

If the door is made of wood, hitting it like this can break the lock at once.

Bang, an inorganic sound. Lee Hyun-jae laughed out loud.

I’ve always wanted to try this. I thought the wooden door was charming when I first came, but now I see it’s full of dangers.

“How can this hyung have such poor security awareness?”

Does he know how hard it is to deal with the people who come to observe this house, our hyung?

Lee Hyun-jae hummed, dragged the hammer on the floor, and walked in with a three-beat rhythm, a bit like an old man. When I saw him later, he looked like a typical gangster.

“Where are you, hyung?”

Even as he said that, Lee Hyun-jae didn’t hesitate in his steps.

“Be prepared to give up an ankle today.”

The hammer in his hand proved that those words were not just a threat.

“I’m sorry to your brother, but I don’t think there’s any other way.”

And at the entrance to the basement, which was the intended destination from the beginning, Lee Hyun-jae knocked once out of courtesy, and this time, he struck the hammer from right to left as well.

With a clean hand movement that he had clearly practiced a few times, the door opened weakly with a creak.

Where are you, our hyung? Lee Hyun-jae was still smiling.

* * *

“…What, scary.”

Mok-hwa muttered as he helped me get dressed.

Well, it’s understandable. Because when Lee Hyun-jae went into the basement, I had already been dragged to Siun Hall and no one was there.

“It’s a shame.”

If I had opened the door and stepped out then, I wouldn’t have met Mok-hwa now after going through a long journey.

Of course, there are also relationships I met thanks to that, but I felt very sorry for Lee Hyun-jae at the time.

Could we have become friends? No, we were already friends, for sure.

Otherwise, we wouldn’t have shared each other’s intimate secrets, even if it was through background checks.

“…What bullshit are you talking about, hyung? That’s not a friend, is it? Who does background checks on their friends?”

Everyone has a different definition. It was inevitable for us who were emotionally unstable.

“If you want to know more, just ask! You’ve known each other for over 3 years!”

If common sense worked, I wouldn’t be living like this.

I listened to Mok-hwa’s frustrating feelings and looked into the mirror.

…What is it? What’s different? It’s clear that my sense of aesthetics is dead.

I can recognize when someone is dressed up flamboyantly, but if they dress normally like this, it all looks the same.

“Ah, as expected, you’re really born with a good figure. Let’s thank our parents, hyung.”

Mok-hwa said excitedly and pushed my back.

“Please, I hope you learn what a friend is.”

“Yeah, I’ll be back.”

On this day, there were a lot of questions on the Everytime forum [a popular South Korean online forum for university students], which was relatively quiet because it was during the summer semester, asking ‘Who is this person?’, but that was a fact I didn’t know until Mok-hwa told me, and it wasn’t something I particularly wanted to know.