Becoming An Idol Wasn’T On My Plan [EN]: Chapter 146

146.

About 30 minutes ago, I was sitting in front of the TV with Chae Ha-min and Ryu Yi-deun grabbing my arms.

“Let go, I won’t run away.”

“Come on, Dong-hwa hyung, there’s no way I’d trust you.”

“…Be careful. If I get poisoned, I’m the culprit.”

“Dong-hwa, I’ll help you!”

…Um, what are you, Ha-min? You seem like the most beautifully crazy guy I’ve ever seen.

“From now on, I should train to build a body that can overcome poison.”

That’s beyond the realm of animals.

As we were having such a small and harmonious conversation about Ryu Yi-deun’s assassination plan, the broadcast soon began.

After the opening, it immediately switches to the interview screen.

“Oh, hyung-nim!” [Korean honorific title for an older brother or male friend]

Seok-jun shouts, and everyone’s attention turns to the TV. Why do our members always gather together as much as possible to monitor broadcasts? Of course, I have no complaints about monitoring other members’ broadcasts, but I don’t want to watch embarrassing videos of myself with them.

― Ah, can I speak now? Hello, this is Dong-hwa from Blossence.

To the question of whether I sometimes get bored with my daily life, I smile on TV.

― Actually, it doesn’t really fit the purpose of the broadcast, but these days are the happiest in my life.

― (Reason?)

― Because of my younger sibling and members.

“Uwaaaa! You’ve never said anything like that to my face!”

I bow my head deeply. That interview happened to be after the trip with Mok-hwa, so I blurted out such things without a second thought.

Amidst the members shouting something next to me, I close my eyes and look at the ceiling. Damn it, the biggest problem is that it’s a preview of the story to come.

‘Giji-saeng, knock me out.’ [Giji-saeng is a playful nickname for the narrator’s inner thoughts or conscience.]

[I refuse. The taste of shame is too sweet! It’s a delightful drama time with Dejava!]

Good heavens, I shouldn’t get old like that. I should cut off Dejava from today.

[Dejava is a dog!]

What are you saying, you crazy being? Did you create a dog with AI or something?

In the TV, I’m taking care of Mok-hwa’s food and trying to feed her even more.

“Oh, look at those eyes. Honey is just dripping.”

“Hyung-nim, please look at me like that too.”

Talk to me after you become as cute as Mok-hwa.

― This was the school your father went to, and that opposite side was the school your mother went to, Mok-hwa.

― …It feels strange. My history with hyung started here?

Then Mok-hwa and I go to the park between the schools. The members are all silent and just focusing, listening to my parents’ story.

Mok-hwa and I are sitting in the empty gazebo in the center of the park, a slightly old place. Warm and comfortable music fills the background.

― It was written in my parents’ diary that my father always read books in this gazebo.

I point to the bench on the opposite side of the gazebo.

― My mother often meditated on that bench.

― Meditation?

― Yeah, you might not remember because you were young, but she often did it at home too. Every day, at the same time, they met in the same park.

― Oh, how did they become friends then?

― My mother took the book my father was reading.

― Took the book?

― She said, ‘Instead of just reading books, let’s talk.’ She was annoyed because she kept seeing my father and it bothered her.

Mok-hwa giggles. She says it feels like reading a history book.

― My father listened to that and replied that he wasn’t just looking at the book.

― What, isn’t that half a confession? I saw you too!

“Romantic.”

I burst into laughter at Seok-jun’s short remark. Breaking all the quiet silence, hearing those three letters in such an honest pronunciation.

― They talked every day like that, and when they graduated, my father confessed, went to the same university, and got married at 28.

― …It’s strange. I don’t remember my parents’ faces very well because I was so young, but I only remember that they were warm. So that’s why they were so warm.

After that, my interview scene comes out, and after finishing the short story about my parents, it immediately leads to the sea.

The members are all focused on the screen and slightly teary-eyed. Watching all of that, I think.

‘It’s time to run away.’

I quickly tried to get up from my seat, but Ryu Yi-deun immediately subdued me.

“What is it? What is this baby kitten trying to hide in this scene?”

“Please throw away that ridiculous nickname! Do you have no shame!”

The anger that I couldn’t express during the W app is running from my heart to the end of my body.

[I know now! This is shame!]

Shut up, Giji-saeng. I’m feeling very humiliated right now. Of course, just because I feel humiliated doesn’t mean I can escape from Ryu Yi-deun’s grasp, so I stay still.

Will I be able to protect you when the world ends?

Could my last memory be the smile you make while crying?

Yeah, damn it, it’s starting now.

When I hear my voice, I realize the sky is falling and neatly resign myself.

“Wow… the song is good.”

“I’m hearing this for the first time, Dong-hwa.”

Apart from the members laughing and enjoying it, I’m expressionless.

Finally, after singing ‘Skyfall,’ Mok-hwa cries, the stage ends in the middle, and then a few meaningless scenes follow. Scenes to prepare for the end, and I prepare myself.

― (If you were to leave a message to your younger sibling and members in a video?)

I on TV look flustered and hesitate for a moment before opening my mouth.

― First of all, Mok-hwa, um, you’ll hate it if I say I’m a lacking older brother, but I always think I’m lacking.

It’s natural for all humans to be lacking, but he’s talking as if he’s something special. Knowing what he’s going to do later, I don’t like his behavior.

― As much as I’m lacking, and as much as I’ve made mistakes, and as much as I’ve lost time, I’ll try to love you more.

I close my eyes. It’s almost time.

― And the members… um, I couldn’t say it because of my personality, but really, thank you.

“Huh?”

“Huh, are you crying?”

I get up again. I succeeded in escaping Ryu Yi-deun’s grasp because his muscles were relaxed due to surprise, but Chae Ha-min, who was touched, grabbed my waist, so I sat back down.

― Really.

After spitting out that short word, I on TV bow my head and slowly start to cry. The situational factors at the time were,

First, I was with Mok-hwa, and I was always suppressing my emotions because I couldn’t cry in front of Mok-hwa.

Second, not long after releasing the memories of my parents in my head, I went to Busan, and as a result, I read the diary several times.

Third, I was very grateful to the damn members, and it was dawn at the time.

It is the same as above.

‘…Ha, damn it. Decades of suppressed emotions are quite dangerous.’

It’s a problem that it’s hard to control emotions when you’re tired.

“Waaaaaa! Dong-hwa, are you crying?!”

“He’s crying, Ji Dong-hwa is crying!”

“Why is our baby kitten crying!”

The members get up from their seats and shake me, surrounding me as if they’re watching a festival scene. Ryu Yi-deun is raising the assassination probability with his own mouth again.

“All, get lost.”

“I’m thankful too, Dong-hwa hyung!”

The people who aren’t seeing me cry for the first time are noisy.

“Dong-hwa, I’m more thankful. Really.”

…Wait a minute, are you crying, Ha-min?

When I turn my head, I see Chae Ha-min biting his lip and shedding tears like chicken droppings. I don’t know the situational factors for you crying.

“Because of you, because of you, I was really, really saved!”

What did I do to be able to say ‘I was saved because of you’? You were the one who did the saving, it’s absurd.

Whether the other members are embarrassed or not, they stop in an ambiguous posture surrounding me.

I can’t ask why he’s crying, so I quietly pat Chae Ha-min’s shoulder.

“Thank you for persuading my father.”

That’s something to thank our father for, so pass.

“Thank you for being my friend when I didn’t have any friends.”

I’m the same, so it’s not something to be thankful for, so pass.

“Thank you for accepting my personality even though it must be annoying!”

This is also the same for me, so pass.

Um, I don’t think there’s any need to be particularly grateful. I sat Chae Ha-min down and sat next to him. Seok-jun, who was standing in front of me, seemed to have triggered a chain reaction to Chae Ha-min’s tears and was about to cry.

Damn it, I should have run away right after the meeting.

* * *

Airport, a place where the vitality of all kinds of people is concentrated. It is an invention that has reduced the perceived scale of the world. Just as the train was born in modern times and expanded the worldview of an individual limited to the village where they were born throughout their life.

“How do you feel when you ride a plane, hyung?”

Lee Hyun-jae massages his heart with an expression somewhere between excitement and tension, and then asks Chae Ha-min and Ji Dong-hwa the same question.

“The first time I rode it, I was so excited, hyung. It’s like flying in the sky like a bird, right? My heart is pounding, like, like.”

Chae Ha-min.

“You’ll start to think about what the ‘space’ you conceptually knew means.”

Ji Dong-hwa.

After listening to Chae Ha-min and Ji Dong-hwa’s answers in succession, Lee Hyun-jae wondered how two people who were so different could become close friends.

In the car going to the airport, riding a plane for the first time in his life, an invention that connects two spaces far apart in a way that could not be connected before. Lee Hyun-jae recalled the thoughts he had while talking with Ji Dong-hwa yesterday, as if organizing them.

‘…Cutting through the stratosphere, surpassing the limits of humanity.’

Then, when he got off at the airport and walked through the fans with large cameras. The fact that countless cameras are watching him, his every move is being filmed, and he can be put on the chopping block at any time comes to him so clearly.

His breathing, slightly, quickens, he feels it, like, when watching, a scary, movie, his breathing.

At that moment, someone suddenly grabs his shoulder.

“Calm down.”

Ji Dong-hwa’s voice.

“Breathe.”

Only then does he feel the breath that had stopped. Lee Hyun-jae exhales a mouthful of breath with difficulty.

“Put strength in your legs, and walk as you always do.”

The legs move again according to the words. It looked like a criminal was dragging a hostage.

“Even if someone judges you carelessly by looking at a photo.”

Lee Hyun-jae’s breathing stops for a moment and then slowly resumes. Ji Dong-hwa holds Lee Hyun-jae’s shoulders tightly and continues to whisper.

“If you’re confident, you can walk proudly.”

Stopping the words, Lee Hyun-jae consciously breathes and consciously puts strength in his legs and walks.

Finally, when he enters the airport and sees a chair, Lee Hyun-jae collapses in front of it. Ji Dong-hwa is sitting next to him, matching Lee Hyun-jae’s eye level.

“…Thank you, hyung.”

“Ignore it. Unless you did something wrong.”

How did he notice? He didn’t even understand it properly himself.

“…Hyung, I’m scared.”

“That can happen.”

‘No, hyung is scary. How did you know?’

The anxiety that had been gradually growing since the Ji Dong-hwa and Ryu Yi-deun incident went wild today, how did he know?

“How did you know?”

“…You can tell if you look closely.”

Fear can create physical reactions that you don’t even understand yourself.

“You flinched when you saw a non-broadcasting camera when you went to the schedule.”

“Ha…, really, I thought I was going to die for a moment.”

Ji Dong-hwa and Lee Hyun-jae were sitting on the airport floor for a long time like that, with a normal chair next to them. Ryu Yi-deun, who noticed that the two had something to talk about, took the other members to the bathroom, so only the two of them were sitting quietly.

“…Hyung, what if this gets worse?”

“You have to go for counseling.”

“I don’t want to cause trouble to the other members because of this….”

“There probably aren’t any members who think it’s a nuisance, but if there are, I’ll take care of them with my own hands. It would look a little empty if there were only 4 people.”

“Ha, damn it.”

Lee Hyun-jae buries his face in his hands.

“Hyung is really cool. I’m going to be like you.”

“…That, I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”

Lee Hyun-jae laughs and then sighs.

“I can’t get treatment right now, so can you tell me just one way to prevent it, hyung?”

“Hmm.”

Ji Dong-hwa frowns.

“I can’t say anything carelessly because I’m not an expert. Psychology is quite a subtle field.”

But Ji Dong-hwa soon looks at Lee Hyun-jae with clear eyes.

“Being next to you is something you can do even if you’re not an expert.”

Lee Hyun-jae nods. He thought it was fortunate that this didn’t happen even with broadcasting cameras, and that Ji Dong-hwa was his teacher.