Becoming An Idol Wasn’T On My Plan [EN]: Chapter 264

Lee Hyoonyai snapped out of his thoughts when he saw us. He clumsily wiped away the tears with his hands and grinned.

“I’m sorry for causing trouble on the way home from work.”

“Oh, stop it, stop it!”

Ryu Ideun quickly approached Lee Hyoonyai, lightly lifted him, and shook him from side to side. It was like a primitive tribe’s way of comforting someone who doesn’t have the language to express themselves.

“Hyung, move.”

The look of disgust was evident, but the relief and joy beyond that showed how Lee Hyoonyai felt about Ryu Ideun.

There was respect and reverence that he never showed when looking at his own father.

It was the same when he looked at the other members, to the point where the tears still welling up in his eyes felt paradoxical.

But crying now seemed like a physiological reflex to the word ‘end.’

Even if someone has been through thick and thin, fighting with their lover for three years and losing all affection, they might still shed tears simply because one of the relationships that defined them has come to a complete end.

It was more like the tears that well up when looking at the autumn sea than tears of sadness.

“…No, I said put me down.”

Lee Hyoonyai was still being held by Ryu Ideun, but the disgust had disappeared, and a childish smile was on his face.

Perhaps Lee Hyoonyai would be okay.

I had watched Lee Hyoonyai, who had a weak mentality, gradually grow, and as a professor of mental education, I didn’t think Lee Hyoonyai would collapse.

Unlike the body, mental growth doesn’t come with time; if it grows upright, it is as solid and firm as a growing tree.

“…What do you want to eat today?”

I asked.

I’m too dense to know what to say to someone who has experienced such a profound ending, who has had the rare experience of dissecting their parents’ flaws so openly.

However, food can be a form of ‘comfort’ because it has various effects on the brain.

But does Lee Hyoonyai not understand my intentions?

“Well, I don’t know. Today, I feel like I want to eat Dakdoritang [spicy braised chicken stew] that Hamin hyung makes.”

It’s terrible to say this, considering he once tried to end his own life.

The Dakdoritang that Chae Hamin made on W Live before, after which he couldn’t let go of his desire for cooking and tried several times, but in the end, it all tasted like the best delicacy in hell.

“…Huh?”

Chae Hamin, who had been hesitating and stammering about what to say, opened his mouth blankly.

“Hyoonyai, are you having a hard time, um, uh, I……”

Waving, his flustered hands were going back and forth in front of him.

It was like a sudden job offer for Chae Hamin, who had given up on complicated dishes a long time ago and was only attempting simple things like fried eggs and rice.

“I want to eat something a little spicy.”

And thanks to that, I, who became unemployed in the cooking department, felt a little bitter that my cooking was pushed aside for the hellish feast.

“Ah… Donghwa is cooking today!”

“Just, just one serving, with the Dakdoritang hyung makes, is that okay?”

The solemn declaration to cook alone reminded me of a general rushing into the battlefield knowing his end.

* * *

‘Perhaps his birth flower is not chrysanthemum for no reason,’ Lee Hyoonyai muttered inwardly.

The solo song ‘Under the Snow’ that he received as a gift was about plum blossoms, so it was heading towards hope, but it was certain that he was heading towards winter after experiencing all of this.

Chewing on the flesh of the chicken that was emitting an incredibly hot heat in his mouth, he mentally replayed what had happened today.

‘Well, he probably heard everything. Some guy came after his group’s maknae [youngest member], and his hyungs [older brothers/male colleagues] wouldn’t just stand by and watch.’

Everyone can’t say it, but there will be pity or sympathy. He didn’t want that.

“Hyoonyai, is that okay? I made it, but……”

“Yes, it’s warm.”

Of course, food is usually warm. This food is so spicy that his tongue is tingling, but it’s not wrong.

Since when did the saying that he should be grateful for being born feel like shackles?

Since when did he realize that he hadn’t received anything that a normal child should receive, except for being fed and put to sleep?

Of course, it seemed to be after meeting these people.

The day when the realization that started with Ryu Ideun when he first entered the agency was finally completed by Ji Donghwa, he inevitably had to go through a moment like today.

Lee Hyoonyai chewed the hot chicken again.

As if his tongue was numb, he couldn’t feel any taste, and only the sensation of something inorganic being crushed remained.

‘…I’m glad I cut it off early.’

If he hadn’t, he would have become insensitive to whatever he ate or did.

He would have lived his whole life chewing on chicken like this, wondering what happiness is every day.

Just like how you become insensitive when you constantly put extremely spicy food in your mouth, he would have become accustomed to depression and self-deprecation and wouldn’t have known happiness.

“…Hamin hyung.”

“Yeah, it’s not good, is it? Even now!”

“No, it’s so delicious.”

‘Especially the lessons that food teaches.’

He hid the last words, but thinking that Donghwa hyung would realize it, Lee Hyoonyai ate all of the Dakdoritang that Chae Hamin had prepared for one person. He had taken stomach medicine in advance, so there would be no problem.

Back in his room, he sat on his chair.

Looking at his desk full of his traces, such as workbooks, books, sheet music, and lyrics, Lee Hyoonyai habitually took out his tablet and wrote in his diary.

It’s strange that all he does after experiencing such a big event is just living.

‘…So that I’m not lacking compared to my hyungs.’

Write better lyrics, spit out better high notes, and have higher standards.

Even to repay the fans who give him a reason to exist. And for those who filled the terrible emptiness he must have felt when he broke up with his parents with abundant affection.

* * *

I was impressed at the music show pre-recording. Why is he suddenly so good……

Singing itself is close to training muscles, so if you work hard, your skills will improve, but it is impossible for your voice to improve in just a few days.

Or, if you deeply understand the emotions in the lyrics, the voice itself becomes solid.

However, experiencing such an event and empathizing with a character who is the motif of his own father is as disgusting as listening to the words of someone you hate.

I was thinking that when Lee Hyoonyai sang the chorus alone.

His voice was a mixture of terrible greed, cursed anger, arrogance close to arrogance, and self-loathing underneath.

In other words, Lee Hyoonyai had done that disgusting job.

It’s a touching thing for a composer because it’s the intention of the song itself, but unfortunately, I’m not only a composer but also a colleague and a university alumnus of Lee Hyoonyai. I can’t help but wonder if it was hard.

Eventually, when the stage was over and we arrived at the waiting room.

“Donghwa.”

“Why.”

Ryu Ideun made eye contact with me as if I wasn’t the only one who thought so. It was a look that asked what was going on.

Ryu Ideun sat next to me and whispered softly as I leaned back in my chair to calm my mind and body.

“Did you hear it?”

I nodded.

“You only heard the voice.”

“Yeah.”

“I saw it from the side when Hyoonyai was singing the chorus, and his eyes…… It was to the point where I thought he had buried one or two people.”

Oh my god. Lee Hyoonyai often received criticism for his facial expressions, but how deeply immersed was he?

As if he had gained confidence after seeing my face, Ryu Ideun carefully put forward his reasoning.

“Is he in a lot of pain?”

The song must be so ugly that he doesn’t even want to see it, but he ignored all of that and improved his skills, so Ryu Ideun is carefully suspecting that he might have a headache.

“…I don’t know.”

“Hyoonyai is too difficult at times like this. I wish I could see what you’re thinking like you.”

Damn it, that’s all because of Chae Hamin’s ‘Ji Donghwa Expression Special Lecture.’

“I’ll find out.”

“As expected, the pillar of our family.”

I got up from my seat without saying anything and sat down next to Lee Hyoonyai.

I peeked at the tablet screen and saw that he was checking the reactions while looking at the community.

“…Are you okay?”

I wasn’t sure if he was really okay or not, so I had no choice but to start with a stupid question.

“Yes. Everyone likes it so much. The firepower is stronger, but it’s not that we don’t do this kind of concept well, but there’s one person whose suit fit is insane, right?”

He answered fluently without taking his eyes off the tablet.

It sounds like Ryu Ideun, but I’m not really curious about that guy’s praise, Hyoonyai.

“Not that.”

“Yes?”

“You.”

Lee Hyoonyai let out a short groan, ‘Ah.’ and then turned off the tablet screen.

Then, after considering my question for about two seconds.

“Are you being praised by the composer right now?”

The sly fox was answering with a sulky smile. Seeing him grasp the speaker’s intention in such a short time, he was worthy of being a Korean literature major.

Lee Hyoonyai, who was dragging out the end of his words, ‘Um,’ looked at the ceiling. And one word.

“Actually, I don’t know if I’m okay.”

Um, I see.

I could hear Ryu Ideun inhaling all the way here.

What should I say in times like this? Several books flew around in my head library and got mixed up.

First of all, it is quite common for people to temporarily lose their sense of reality after experiencing an extreme situation.

The brain is trying to protect itself from a big shock, so in times like this.

“Was what you did today really okay?”

Suddenly, his thoughts were cut off.

“…Hyoonyai.”

“Yes.”

“Don’t be like Ryu Ideun.”

It’s okay to be like me or the other members hundreds of times, but I refuse to be like Ryu Ideun.

I’m already getting enough teasing from Ryu Ideun.

Lee Hyoonyai was smiling with a faint playfulness on his face, and the hollow look he had on his face while looking at the ceiling a little while ago was gone.

I could hear Ryu Ideun sighing in relief all the way here.

“I’m sorry, I just looked like I was too happy to joke around.”

Looking at Lee Hyoonyai, who was smiling innocently, my mouth moved on its own. It was almost a spinal reflex.

“…You worked hard.”

No one would deny the psychoanalytic importance of parents.

The first relationship and the basis for attachment formation, I can’t say that Freud is all right, but most people would agree that early childhood experiences have a significant impact on life as a whole.

In the midst of all this, Lee Hyoonyai’s appearance of standing tall and moving forward on his own was admirable.

Gi Jisaeng might say, ‘He’s crazy!’ while looking at this, but if it’s going crazy like this, shouldn’t it be socially encouraged?

“…Hyung and Ideun hyung worked hard.”

“Oh my, our Hyoonyai, you’ve grown up so much! You’ve grown up so much!”

As soon as Lee Hyoonyai answered, Ryu Ideun stood up with a tearful face and shouted as he ran over.

He looked like a fool for his daughter, so I thought his child might be a little miserable if he got married later.

“You even tell us your inner thoughts! You’ve grown up so much! Yeah!”

Ryu Ideun was running over somehow, even though his face was distorted grotesquely by Lee Hyoonyai’s arm.

Looking at Ryu Ideun, Lee Hyoonyai answered cynically.

“I will never tell you more details.”

Um, I guess he wants to repay them because they’re like family, I guessed and went to Chae Hamin and Seokjun and sat down quietly.