Becoming An Idol Wasn’T On My Plan [EN]: Chapter 273

“I don’t know if it’s a given, but there are overseas locations on the tour list. Wow… Dong-hwa, you might not know, but a tour is…”

Chae Ha-min shouted, jumping up and down on the bed. I appreciate him trying to explain it, since he’s the only one in the group who knows my secret, but.

“…I know, Ha-min.”

Even if I wasn’t interested in idols in the past, I’ve been in the business for quite a while now, so there’s no way I wouldn’t know.

“Really? Then what is it? Hmm.”

Chae Ha-min, who had been staring at me for a while as I leaned back on the bed and fiddled with my laptop, clapped his hands once.

“Ah.”

“What.”

“You don’t know how big of a deal this is?”

“I know that too.”

I’m well aware that many singers aim for tours and that many people dream of holding concerts in large venues, like domes or stadiums.

We also did small performances like the Blossence Appreciation Festival, but following Team Leader Jang Hae-jin’s policy—that we should only start concerts or tours after we’ve grown enough, especially if we’re going to do it overseas—we haven’t done a tour of considerable scale.

These days, there are cases where overseas purchasing power is greater than domestic purchasing power, so there are groups that perform overseas even before establishing themselves in Korea, but I don’t know if that’s typical.

Anyway, I know how important today is, now that it’s been officially confirmed that we’re going on tour.

Chae Ha-min, who had been listening quietly to the explanation, clapped again.

“…Your goal was different, wasn’t it.”

I closed the laptop.

My hands moved involuntarily out of surprise.

Wow, Chae Ha-min has this level of reasoning ability.

“Come to think of it, I’m curious. Dong-hwa, what was your dream?”

“It was to turn back time.”

And now it’s right in front of you, the result of achieving that goal.

“That’s Gi Ji-saeng’s dream.”

That’s a difficult question. Am I, who knows in advance what ‘my’ goal will be, the same being as ‘me’?

Considering the principle of interchangeability between identicals, it’s reasonable to see us as non-identical, and causally speaking, considering that unless ‘I’ interfere in my life, I will have the same goal as ‘me’…….

For one being to occupy two spatiotemporal locations macroscopically is…….

“It’s not that difficult of a question! I’m just asking what Ji Dong-hwa’s goal was when he was twenty-nine!”

Chae Ha-min shouted, hitting the bed.

You didn’t even say it, but you still figure it out so well, Ha-min.

“…I wonder.”

I put down the laptop and hugged the pillow.

Back then, my daily routine was waking up around 6 a.m. if I had slept the night before, reading, writing, and if there was anything left to read, I would stay up all night reading, and if not, I would sleep.

If there was a purpose.

“I wanted to know as much as possible.”

If there was truth, I wanted to know it, and if there wasn’t, I wanted to know that too.

However, the more I knew, the more I didn’t know, so I was rummaging through psychology along with history and philosophy.

I remember crossing over here on the night I was reading a paper on the philosophy of mind.

[If it had been a few more weeks, you would have started rummaging through science too!]

Oh dear, the world of academia is terribly vast. I can clearly see why the lack of exchange between disciplines is a problem.

“Wow, you’re so much like you that it’s a bit much.”

“Could you not insult me with a smile?”

First define what ‘like me’ is, you damn rabbit.

“I see. It must have been hard, thinking about it. You suddenly became a trainee. Is it similar to a father forcing you to work at his company?”

With that kind of analogy, Gi Ji-saeng is…….

[You can call him stepfather.]

Shut up.

“So that’s why…….”

“Why what?”

“You seemed less happy. I was wondering if it was about the same as when we got first place. I was a bit surprised.”

“To be able to tell the degree of happiness just by looking at someone’s appearance, that’s even more surprising, Ha-min.”

“If you give me a few pictures now, I can rank them.”

You’re crazy.

“For you, the tour is, ‘I’m happy that I can fulfill the fans’ expectations and succeed with us,’ about that much…….”

You’re really crazy. Knowing that I was happy with that thought when we got first place is chilling.

Avoiding Chae Ha-min, who was staring at the ceiling with a wistful look, I sat further inside.

“When I was young, I often traveled overseas with my father, you know?”

“Yeah.”

I answered like that while creating more distance. I’m glad he doesn’t seem to have noticed yet.

“My father was busy, so I often ended up walking around the streets with the secretary. At that time, there was a crew doing a street performance. They were dancing in a group right in front of me, and wow…….”

Eyes like he’s seeing a fantasy.

I don’t know what picture is unfolding in that little head, but it must be a precious memory.

“When I came back, I clumsily tried to follow along, and my mother praised me a lot? I was really bad at it, but she even filmed it with a camcorder. That’s when I thought, ‘I wish more people would watch me and praise me.’”

“So, an idol?”

“Yeah. My father said with a solemn face, ‘Well, you’re young, so do what you want first,’ and I didn’t even know what that meant, so I went to the agency audition. Originally, when you’re young, you don’t know how hard it is, so you dream first, right? I was so excited when I held my mom’s hand and looked around the first company, wondering what it would feel like to fill a dome with an audience and dance.”

Chae Ha-min pauses, and his face darkens.

“But as I became a trainee and moved companies, I heard a lot, and I thought, ‘Ah, I wish I could at least debut.’ I was a bit sad then.”

When you’re young, the world is centered around you, so it’s understandable.

Just like how an elementary school student puts their house in the center when drawing a map of the neighborhood, they think that since they are the center, what they want will naturally come true.

However, just like how a fisherman who thought he was familiar with the sea has his boat adrift or wrecked, the familiar world becomes unfamiliar.

You become anxious and doubtful. A philosophically predetermined growth or confusion.

It’s like the day I first came to this timeline. I really felt like I had been thrown into the world back then.

“But! We’ve taken one step now!”

Chae Ha-min hit the bed much more violently than before. So much so that I could hear the springs in the mattress creaking.

I heard that rabbits are sensitive to vibrations and can communicate by hitting the ground with their feet even from a distance, and it doesn’t seem wrong.

Maybe a rabbit in the mountains near the dorm is responding, saying, ‘Why are you calling me?’

“Grow bigger! Grow more! Dome tour! The dream I had when I was young and pushed aside in my heart! It’s! Approaching! My heart is beating!”

Anyway, Chae Ha-min endured steadfastly even while going through such confusion.

Even as other trainee colleagues were acting up and having conflicts with their fathers, and the reality of the idol world flickered before his eyes, he persevered.

“So I want to convey this feeling to you!”

He clenched both fists.

He had the eyes of a scientist who had discovered a new fact while researching as a team. Eyes that wanted to quickly share his thoughts with the people around him and share the joy.

And unfortunately, I’m not part of that research team.

I’m even in the philosophy department, so I can’t understand half of what he’s saying.

“I am curious, though.”

What it feels like to take a step closer to a dream you’ve had since you were young.

“I’ll definitely let you know. What this feeling is like. So you should tell me about these goals, Dong-hwa! We have to hold hands and run like crazy!”

I’m grateful. It’s also like Chae Ha-min.

But it was wrong from the start.

Since the ultimate goal of my current life is to give Gi Ji-saeng a new possibility, Chae Ha-min won’t be by my side when I achieve that goal.

And.

“…Does that really matter?”

Perhaps a life that deviates from the plan has its own meaning.

Like the day you and the other members were grouped together, or like that day that’s coming soon.

* * *

Around the time people started talking about how the first week sales of our album ‘All mine’ compared to those of recent idols, I sat facing Mok-hwa.

Dinner time arranged by the companies before the scheduled radio broadcast.

The meaning of a life that deviated from the plan, gained not by fulfilling a dream I had since I was young, but by fulfilling a dream I would have when I was old.

The face of my younger sibling, who resembles my mother, has matured, a scenery I wouldn’t have seen up close if I had lived as I did.

Even if there isn’t a bursting, overwhelming surge like Chae Ha-min said, there is a subtle and calm emotion.

Besides, to face each other in a restaurant like this, it’s the true taste of a capitalist society.

“Hyung [older brother], you’re doing really well these days.”

“You too.”

“Eh, it’s because we’re a big company. Can I compare to hyung? I check out the Troubleshooter Office, the Mental Class, and I listen to the radio sometimes, but there are still videos I haven’t seen.”

“You keep giving me allowance even without gilding it [exaggerating or embellishing].”

“I still feel weird that hyung is giving me allowance. I’m getting paid now, shouldn’t I be giving it to you?”

“Giving me long underwear as a first settlement gift was enough. It’s warm in the winter.”

“…Hyung, don’t tell me you wore it?”

Mok-hwa’s face was filled with shock.

“Of course.”

I cut off a small piece of the salmon steak that came out as an appetizer and put it in my mouth.

It’s delicious. It would be really nice if it weren’t for the shiitake mushroom steak next to it, but it’s a shame.

“Hyung, that design, no, really?”

“Yeah. I even took a picture.”

“Don’t ever upload it. I deliberately chose something that looks like it’s for old men.”

“…Really?”

I thought back to the long underwear Mok-hwa gave me. It was long underwear with a design that seemed to imitate Mondrian’s ‘Composition with Red, Yellow and Blue’.

Is that old-fashioned? Even now, geometric abstraction feels sophisticated.

“Hyung, did you have a problem with your aesthetic sense? No, you said you liked looking at hyung’s artwork, didn’t you!”

It’s definitely old since it was popular in the early 20th century, but.

“Geometric abstraction also has its aesthetics, Mok-hwa. And even if the trend has passed, the historical value remains.”

Mok-hwa’s mouth dropped open.

It’s troubling to prove that you haven’t chewed anything yet like that. And to be fidgeting in your seat while eating.

Mok-hwa is still young. So much so that he forgot his table manners.

“That’s not the point, who wears long underwear these days, hyung!”

No wonder Ryu I-deun was embarrassed the moment I tried to take it out to wear in front of Chae Ha-min, and as soon as Ryu I-deun saw me wearing it, he said, ‘Can’t we throw away what you’re wearing, Dong-hwa hyung?’ It seems that not wearing long underwear is the trend these days. Our father always enjoyed wearing them.

“The other members also only wore it privately because of that.”

“…So, hyung, were you really happy to receive the gift? You didn’t think, ‘This younger brother, should I hit him’?”

“Violence shouldn’t be inflicted on anyone except one person.”

“I really don’t understand hyung’s sense…….”

Mok-hwa let his arm hang down on the seat.

In the meantime, I could see the waiter passing by our table wondering whether to say something with a look that said, ‘You haven’t even touched the appetizer yet, can’t you eat salmon?’

“Eat first, Mok-hwa.”

At that, he picked up a fork and put the mushroom and salmon in his mouth at once.

He looked at me with a deep sigh and eyes filled with shallow resentment, then nodded.

“…Absolutely not.”

“What.”

“To think that there’s something like that on the list of gifts I gave with the money I earned.”

“That’s unfortunate.”

Even if the intention was to tease from the beginning, it’s a failed goal since I didn’t notice and it became a thing of the past.