Becoming An Idol Wasn’T On My Plan [EN]: Chapter 282

“I used to be a fool who didn’t know how to apologize.”

The black tea has a strong aroma. It’s Darjeeling’s second flush, with a rich, fruity scent.

I received it as a gift and I’m drinking it for the first time today, so I don’t know much about it, but it tastes like wine.

“So, I was trying to develop something like a time machine.”

“Huh?”

Ryui-deun tilted his head, seemingly puzzled by the sudden turn of events.

I drank all the remaining black tea. Please don’t ask questions.

But, shattering my hopes, Ryui-deun subtly interjected.

“Is it okay if I ask a question?”

He raised one hand and wore a smiling face.

“…Yeah.”

“So… is it because of Mok-hwa?”

His eyes wouldn’t let me gloss over it and move on.

He probably grasped the context well enough with just those two sentences, yet he deliberately asks for the truth.

He didn’t want even a speck of misunderstanding and was expressing, with just a look, that he simply wanted to understand me properly.

Yeah, you’re older than me. Mentally, several times over.

So, Ryui-deun isn’t being a leader right now, but sincerely wants to understand me as a close older brother.

Damn it, it’s a bit embarrassing. I’m laying bare my true self, and Ryui-deun is opening a space for conversation so he can see it.

Damn it. Can’t you get a little drunk like Chae Ha-min? This tea tastes like wine.

“Yeah.”

I poured another cup of tea because my throat was dry.

So, let’s discard the 잡스러운 [miscellaneous/unnecessary] thoughts. It’s not respectful to Ryui-deun.

“Investigate their personal information, find them, and apologize.”

I took a sip.

“I couldn’t go through that obvious process and live again.”

I put down the teacup.

The sound rang out.

It’s a ripple in the quiet, at a time when everyone is asleep, and usually only Ryui-deun and I are awake, sharing the trivial things that have been happening lately.

“Is it, perhaps, like atonement?”

Then Ryui-deun asked, lifting his teacup. It’s annoying how well he knows me, Ryui-deun.

“Yeah.”

“The reason?”

“…It’s not right for me to feel comfortable and good, and to go back to someone I’ve already hurt deeply.”

“Keep talking.”

I lowered my eyes. I looked like a student who had done something wrong at school.

Well, it’s a first for me in my life.

“It’s even more wrong for such a person to live happily. So, I tried my best to die quietly. When I was twenty-nine, it went well as planned.”

Ryui-deun looked into my eyes, downed the still-hot tea, and put it down with a thud.

He wore a gentle smile, as if it were warm compared to the 천불 [thousand fires – immense anger] burning inside him. His expression alone was 염화미소 [Yeomhwa Miso – a serene smile, often used in Buddhist contexts].

“Too much like you.”

However, unlike the gentleness, the emotion in his words was a terrible frustration.

“If I had been next to you, I would have ignored your intentions and grabbed you by the collar and dragged you. I would have knelt with Mok-hwa and begged her to take care of my 부족한 형 [deficient/lacking older brother]!”

I just smiled. I know now.

“멍청하면 몸이 고생한다 [If you’re stupid, your body suffers], or something like that.”

Looking at it now, it was all just foolish choices.

It was a garbage thing to do, with no consideration for Mok-hwa’s intentions.

[I agree. We were so foolish.]

The 기지생 [Gijisaeng – lit. base life, referring to the protagonist’s inner voice/entity] is also in agreement, and a warm current has formed between me and the 기지생 for the first time in a while. We really match well when we insult ourselves.

Ryui-deun buried his face in his hands.

“To vow to develop a time machine to reconcile with your younger sibling… I don’t know if it’s okay to call that foolish or not. You actually did it, so you’re here like this… Is there anyone like you in this world, really, 형 [hyung – older brother]?”

He rubbed his face with both hands, sighed, tapped the desk with his hand, and then lifted his head and warned like a strict parent.

“You absolutely have to keep at least one person around you. And if you have any worries, be sure to consult someone. It doesn’t have to be me.”

“…I know.”

It would be stranger if I didn’t know that by now.

“Anyway, after researching for several years, I revealed the secrets of the world, and as a result, I was forcibly taken by some guy who manages spacetime. I don’t know much about it either, but it seems they need a new recruit.”

“Um, I understand.”

Ryui-deun’s focus blurred as if he were looking at something distant.

To his mechanical-sounding answer, I carefully asked.

“Any questions?”

You don’t seem to understand.

“No, Professor.”

Good. If you keep doing this, you’re likely to get an A+.

“The story is that after researching for a time longer than the universe has experienced, in a place where I was forcibly taken, I changed it.”

Ryui-deun tried not to make a sound as he exclaimed. It sounded like a short ‘Wow.’

That’s the sound that comes out before he hears the most subtle part of this story.

“To correct it accurately, the story is that I, who had already left spacetime and could not return, changed my life instead.”

This time, Ryui-deun opened his mouth without a sound. It contained a question, ‘Ah?’ Since he had a question, A0 [A zero – a grade slightly below A+].

He raised one finger and slowly pointed at me.

Ryui-deun’s pupils followed my fingertip and stopped at me.

“The Ji Dong-hwa in front of you is Ji Dong-hwa who fell asleep reading a paper one night at the age of twenty-nine and suddenly woke up as a trainee.”

I glanced at the air. It’s your turn.

[I cannot show my 창 [window/interface] to others. It’s quite difficult to maintain a connection with you. If I could, I would have greeted all of your colleagues, starting with Mok-hwa.]

Um, that’s a shame. Since everyone will find out anyway, I wanted to introduce you to the 기지생 in person.

“The 망할 놈 [damned guy] who’s showing me letters that only I can see and slowly scratching at my nerves is the Ji Dong-hwa from after that.”

“No, wait.”

Oh dear, A-.

“So, um? …Huh?”

Oh dear, B+.

“Then, it’s not like you’re seeing ghosts or anything, right?”

Good heavens. C+, ‘Understanding Ji Dong-hwa’ needs to be retaken.

“What on earth did you imagine?”

“No, I didn’t really believe it either.”

“Um.”

Suspicious, but B0 [B zero – a grade slightly below B+]. I won’t have to see you again for a retake.

With a sudden flood of information, Ryui-deun seemed a little confused and poured himself another cup of tea.

At the sound of the tea flowing, I sat back comfortably. Now that I’ve said it, I don’t feel embarrassed at all, but rather full of liberation.

“So, you were originally alone, for that long time.”

“I only did research. I have no experience with the 기지생 story.”

Ryui-deun frowned, as if that wasn’t what he wanted to ask.

“I wasn’t in your life?”

“No.”

“Not even a shadow?”

“Well. I moved around a lot. Almost once every half year. So, maybe once in a while, a shadow.”

You might have run into me once while buying alcohol and cigarettes.

Finally, the topic of his future came up. I organized what I wanted to say in advance.

Come to think of it, you also made a really foolish choice.

Alcohol and cigarettes are a matter of personal preference, so it’s okay as long as it’s not excessive, but why didn’t you know that you’re a person who can’t be happy without this job.

But Ryui-deun quietly suppressed his voice, as if he wasn’t even curious about the thoughts in my head.

More than asking about his own life.

“How did you, until you were twenty-nine, endure it?”

He seems a little more curious about my story. Really, a grateful human being.

I leaned back and scanned the beam of light cast from the 창 all the way here.

The dark kitchen, this place that couldn’t even be called bright with the dawn twilight, was shattered by a single beam of light.

“If you don’t die, you live.”

“…Then, if I had died tomorrow.”

“I would have accepted it sweetly. I knew it was an absurd goal.”

Now, the light that cannot be hidden even by the curtains has completely occupied the space.

It must be dawn. Like this, I built another new day on top of a new relationship.

“What on earth was I doing?”

I abruptly turned my head, which had been looking at the curtain. Ryui-deun was trembling his shoulders. He rubbed his eyes roughly with his thick arms.

Good heavens, Ryui-deun is crying, why is he crying? Calculate, Ji Dong-hwa.

[Empathy with the story!]

‘Good heavens, there’s no way we can receive empathy.’

Me and the 기지생 exchanged numerous hypotheses in just 2 seconds, but we couldn’t reach a clear answer.

That 망할 놈 never reads other people’s inner thoughts at times like this.

“I, what was I doing, Dong-hwa. I…….”

When the second question arrived, I naturally opened my mouth.

It’s like pouring oil on a burning house, right now.

“Becoming an idol.”

Thud. Both hands hit the desk. The veins on the back of his hands were bulging, he must have given it quite a bit of strength.

“Don’t lie.”

Ryui-deun lifted his head.

Red eyes, glaring eyes, speaking with clenched teeth.

It felt like if all the 천추의 한 [eternal regret] that every human being left behind without dying were 뭉치고 뭉쳐 [gathered and gathered] and became human, it would feel like that.

Ryui-deun, it’s your 음방 [music broadcast] day today, I’d believe it even if your voice was a 접동새 [cuckoo – known for its mournful cry]. It sounds like blood is coming out of your throat.

“If you weren’t going to be an idol, I should have at least become friends with you. I really… I…….”

You’re a human who would have been unhappy for the rest of your life if you weren’t an idol. Don’t compare your friendship with me to that.

“Ryui-deun, drink this.”

I calmly got up from my seat and poured a cup of black tea. Warm tea helps stabilize the mind and body.

However, Ryui-deun pushed the tea away and muttered with his eyes closed.

“Really, I want to go back and grab myself by the collar and beat myself up.”

“Violence is not okay, 형.”

You’d die if you got hit by you.

“Are you the one to talk!”

Ryui-deun slumped down on the desk as if he were burying his forehead in it.

I tapped the desk, but the trembling of his shoulders didn’t stop.

“형, it’s an event that hasn’t happened yet.”

Attempting to recognize reality.

“You remember everything.”

Failure.

“It was something 형 couldn’t save.”

“I should have done something about it somehow!”

That’s unreasonable.

“Somehow! I should have gathered you guys and made a 계 모임 [gye mo-im – a social gathering with a rotating host]! Why, why 형, only you so lonely, me, what’s left besides becoming a singer and you guys…….”

“Health.”

“That’s a lie too. Then why bother living. There’s no reason to live. At least I should have saved you guys…….”

Good heavens, 대체 [daeche – what on earth], how.

I lost my words.

How, with what means, all of them. He kept his face buried, so it’s hard to tell if he noticed it was a lie by looking at his expression.

No matter how I look at it, it seems like he grasped something from the nuances and context of the conversation.

I quietly watched Ryui-deun cry.

In my head, I pondered how to say it.

No, we all three are here now. Is it enough if I forget the memories of the past? Then with a brick…….

Wait, if that happens, the repayment for the 기지생, damn it. Hitting myself with a brick is a simple problem, but if the 기지생 manipulates it well…….

[I do not have the ability to manipulate memories.]

Oh dear.

Squeak, Lee Hyun-jae’s room door opened.

Lee Hyun-jae, who was rubbing his eyes, walked over and stopped abruptly.

Lee Hyun-jae, who was roughly grasping the situation with wide eyes, awkwardly spoke to me.

“형, I don’t know what the conflict situation is, but it’s a little difficult for me to take sides with one of you.”

“…You take my side, Hyun-jae.”

“Then Ryui-deun 형 will have no one on his side.”

Why are Chae Ha-min and Seok-jun 확정 [hwakjeong – confirmed]?

While 잡생각 [jap saenggak – miscellaneous thoughts], I hurriedly ran to the refrigerator and took out an ice pack.

Squeak. This time, my room and Ryui-deun’s room opened at the same time.

Peeking out, Chae Ha-min and Seok-jun are trying to grasp the situation with curious eyes.

No matter how I look at it, it seems like they’ve concluded that Ryui-deun and I fought, and that I made Ryui-deun cry, who doesn’t cry often except in situations like when I win the Rookie Award.

“I’m on Ryui-deun 형님 [hyung-nim – honorific for older brother/male]’s side―. Dong-hwa 형님 is usually bad at times like this―.”

“Ah, really? Then I’ll be on Dong-hwa 형’s side.”

“…Neutral!”

Damn morning.

The first day of ‘All mine’s last activity started like this, chaotically. I have to do this a total of three more times in the future.