Becoming An Idol Wasn’T On My Plan [EN]: Chapter 307

White clothes stained black in places.

When black water stains clothes of ascetic white, it creates a strange atmosphere.

There’s no change in the set, and the fog remains, but the lighting has darkened, and a touch of Prussian blue has been added, creating an eerie atmosphere.

As pre-planned, our clothes are gradually torn (ripped directly while moving), leaving us looking ragged.

The arrangement of songs leading from ‘Cloudy Blue’ to ‘The Last Beginning’.

Our debut song and the subsequent track are playing back-to-back. Humans must be emotionally swayed by the sheer volume of memories they hold.

The choreography is intense, with a dance break inserted into the arrangement, leaving no room for rest. But that doesn’t mean my brain can stop.

Cause You Complete Me, without you

Yeah, I’m already a loser

Cause You are Medicine, only you

Yeah, you’re already fading away

Could there be a simpler story?

I’m like a rogue, scattering black ink on Lee Hyunjae’s ideal world. Ryu Ideun seems to be entirely assisting me, yet I can see the anxiety within him. And Chae Hamin and Seokjun, watching from afar, also appear uneasy.

In the end, I’m the only one genuinely trying to ‘heal’.

When I see lyrics that suggest my brother’s single word of recognition is his medicine, as I try to force-feed him my own, I can’t help but be filled with doubt.

Why am I always this kind of character? I’ve always aspired to be a gentle and kind grandmother, but why this?

It’s not just an aspiration in my heart; I’ve expressed it verbally several times, but why?

Setting aside my serious thoughts, I naturally stood shoulder to shoulder with Ryu Ideun, performing choreography that blocks Lee Hyunjae from moving forward.

Ryu Ideun, who has lost one sleeve somewhere, is only half in a sleeveless shirt. It’s definitely not an outfit suitable for modern Korea.

On the other hand, even though my thighs and arms are torn, revealing parts of my skin, the overall shape of my clothes remains, so I can barely fit within the framework of humanity.

To put it simply, I’m the only human between us.

It was a short moment, but he must have sensed me mocking him because he nudged me very lightly with his forearm. Damn it.

Lee Hyunjae will glare at the two of us with eyes full of venom. I can feel his gaze even with my back turned.

He came out, parting the space between Ryu Ideun and me, who were standing as if blocking his path.

Ryu Ideun and I collapsed like flowing water. While Lee Hyunjae sang alone, our eyes briefly met.

A momentary, bright smile. In those eyes, I could see the fulfillment of enjoying this moment to the fullest and the relief of being able to share it with me.

Rewind—, your and my end becomes the beginning, above my time—, everything revives

Rewind—, the sun and moon reverse, at the end of my gaze—, everything returns

When Lee Hyunjae’s bridge ends and the heavy drumbeat sounds.

And when Chae Hamin rushes to the center for his solo dance.

I feel everything returning.

The image of a snake biting its own tail comes to mind, and the moment when Chae Hamin said, ‘I want to dance!’ upon hearing the song is revived.

Furthermore, the times when I decided to poison Ryu Ideun (still ongoing), shared coffee with Lee Hyunjae in a shabby studio, and was embarrassed when Seokjun brought up the story of the Little Mermaid.

Back when I had no plans to become an idol. Back when the survival show, which seemed like a huge boulder thrown or intruding into my life, was just beginning.

Even while regarding the members as strangers, I didn’t dislike the warmth. The vivid memories of before ‘my’ traces (dumbbells or mushroom-shaped sculptures) remained in the studio, and before I recognized the dorm as home are vividly revived.

There are times when memories overlap with reality.

Like now, in the darkness, that bright light becomes the Milky Way, and we are dancing beneath it. Those moments subtly settle upon reality.

Chae Hamin’s solo dance, Lee Hyunjae’s timbre, Seokjun who is always serious on stage, and Ryu Ideun who is always relaxed. And me, who still had no plans to become an idol.

And the fans, who, even though they were fewer in number than now, were no less passionate in their support.

When all of this overlaps, it feels like my brain is melting from the heat, like a factory churning out thoughts, and all sorts of ideas pour out.

An hourglass turning upside down, I’ll whisper eternity

After finishing the group dance, I listened to the harmonies created by Chae Hamin and Ryu Ideun and slowly started walking.

Because I have to stand alone on the stage at the end.

If this concert is the realization of a dream for them, what is it for me?

A question I’ve had since I first heard about the concert.

The thoughts pouring out of my brain become stars, connecting to form a trajectory.

Today, I engraved in my brain memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life, like a lost person seeing the Milky Way in a forest.

Today, I gained a scene that will make me smile in the final moments of my life, in the panorama that unfolds before my eyes like an old man’s reminiscence in a hospital bed.

Today, I empirically understood the meaning of the cliché that life is beautiful because it doesn’t go according to plan.

So, if this moment is the realization of a dream for them, shouldn’t I see it as the realization of life for me?

When I reached that thought, or more precisely, when I stood in the center and looked straight ahead, my vision blurred slightly.

Damn it, you rabbit bastard. You cursed me.

* * *

‘The Last Beginning’ ends with Ji Donghwa standing alone among the fallen members.

Roommates with Ji Donghwa as their profile picture all drew breath into their stomachs for that anticipated ending.

But before they could shout, one fan, who was watching the screen on the electronic display, suddenly mumbled.

“…He’s crying.”

Ji Donghwa, with a blank expression, simply lets a few tears stream down his face.

Suppressing his surging emotions, he perfectly performs the expression he practiced for the ending, yet his eyes, though I don’t know what emotion it is, sparkle with a terrible intensity.

It was as if he was accepting all reality and crying calmly. Tears that a revolutionary would shed after a failed revolution, accepting everything. Full of sorrow, yet receptive!

Even the fact that he was standing alone, receiving the spotlight, wearing clothes that were torn everywhere. Everything struck their hearts without exception.

“Wow… Donghwa is crying.”

So, the cheers came a little late.

Roommates needed time to accept reality. To the roommates who had predicted that Chae Hamin, Ryu Ideun, Lee Hyunjae, and Seokjun would definitely cry on the day of the concert.

Ji Donghwa, who scored the lowest in the ‘Flower Boy Who Looks Like He’ll Cry’ poll.

Even those few votes were cast with the resentful thought of ‘Please just cry, you cruel guy!’ This reality was not easy for them to accept.

“…Why?”

The timing of the crying was way off. One roommate quietly voiced their question.

Usually, things like that happen before the encore song, or when giving their thoughts, or at a set time, right?

The moment only the phenomenon occurred without cause, even though they cheered because he was crying, they couldn’t help but feel like scientists.

While watching the VCR, the roommates focused on the members’ faces while quietly whispering short discussions.

“…Acting?”

“…Oh, shit, that’s plausible.”

A literary approach.

One group of roommates, who were serious about the lore, put forward the hypothesis that it was an intention to express the emotional line of ‘realizing that the actions done for Lee Hyunjae are making Lee Hyunjae even more blind’.

“Could it be that his eyes were dry?”

“That’s plausible.”

A physiological approach.

In addition to this, there was a physical approach of ‘He got hit by someone during the choreography,’ and even an economic approach of ‘He must have had too much unnecessary moisture in his body. It seems efficient to get rid of it.’

No one believed that he was really crying, and they just stared blankly at the VCR of Chae Hamin, Seokjun, and Lee Hyunjae cheerfully running around.

And just when their complicated minds were being organized by the single thought of ‘…Damn, he’s so pretty, my idol.’

The members came up, dressed in fancy yet simple suits.

Everyone except Ji Donghwa was smiling brightly, and Ji Donghwa had red ears.

Only then did all the hypotheses disappear, and a new hypothesis was accepted.

Donghwa really cried.

* * *

Why does the talk time have to be stuck in a time like this? Forget the panorama and everything else, I feel like I’m going to die.

I couldn’t stop the flow of thoughts. I couldn’t electrocute my brain, which was processing everything from the beginning to the end on its own in that short amount of time.

“Everyone!”

…Um, I should have.

Chae Hamin grabbed the microphone and shouted.

From his bouncing movements to his bright face. Really, there’s nothing I want to see, Hamin.

“Earlier, we just saw Donghwa crying! Shout it out!”

A cheer erupted that was almost the size of what would be heard at the end of the stage.

“Those who are curious about why he cried, shout it out!”

Ryu Ideun jumped in, not wanting to be outdone. Seokjun and Lee Hyunjae were just giggling and watching, with no sign of trying to help me.

You damn things, it’s useless to raise children.

Mok-hwa, who should be in the staff seats by now… let’s not think about it.

When the fans’ cheers subsided and I confirmed that all eyes were on me, even all the cameras were zoomed in on me, I couldn’t help but let out a deep sigh.

What should I say? I can’t say that I cried because I was overwhelmed by the fact that I’m alive.

“That.”

“Wait a minute! Donghwa and I had a bet yesterday, Roommates!”

Shut up, Hamin. I don’t want to swear at the concert hall.

But Chae Hamin’s frivolous tongue was going wild. And we never made a bet. You gambling-addicted rabbit.

“He said he might not cry! So I said, you’re going to cry too, right? Then he said he didn’t want to cry even if he wanted to, he wanted to hold it in!”

You never said that much, you fake news maker. You could easily appear as the character who controls and manipulates the media in George Orwell’s *Animal Farm* [a satirical allegory of the Russian Revolution].

“Oh? Really?”

“Yeah. Our Donghwa is so soft-hearted.”

Chae Hamin came next to me, put his arm around my shoulder, and swayed me from side to side. His dance line is so beautiful, which makes me even more annoyed.

“Now tell me! Who was right, Donghwa!”

“…Hamin was right.”

I went with the flow. It would be good if I could just gloss over it.

“Who cried first!”

“I did.”

Yeah, you might as well cause more trouble, Hamin.

“So why did you cry, hyung [older brother or male friend]? The timing is too weird.”

You sharp bastard. I could feel all the attention refocusing on the ‘reason’ because of Lee Hyunjae’s question.

I closed my eyes. Perhaps my lips were smiling with enlightenment, like a Buddha.

It’s not difficult to extract only the facts. If I hide the truth and list the facts, a plausible reason will be created.

Hiding my secrets that I can’t reveal to the world and listing the facts that happened today will create the following simple sentence.

“…Because I thought it was a good thing to become an idol.”