Becoming An Idol Wasn’T On My Plan [EN]: Chapter 336

If every story has an ending, what form should it take?

The story of our worldview, which has continued throughout our past activities, is scheduled to conclude with this tour.

Lee Hyun-jae, who remembers all his past lives and is trapped in his own paradise; Chae Ha-min, who is mentally ill from overprotecting him; Ryu Iden, who is buried in responsibility while opposing Chae Ha-min; and Seok Jun, who runs away and laughs because he cannot understand all of this.

And me, who became a doctor to observe Lee Hyun-jae’s mental abnormalities.

The video that will be uploaded at the end of the tour, which will be the last of this story, has already been filmed, but I didn’t know what it was about. The first time I saw a trace of it was in the additional footage for this tour’s PV [promotional video].

In fact, I already wrote the conclusion as a song. In ‘All mine,’ which tells the story of taking everything from my brother.

Ultimately, Lee Hyun-jae’s final goal in the story is to gain my recognition (that is, to deny all the common sense and knowledge I have accumulated so far) or to break off with everyone (that is, to drive the only human relationship I have built up to ruin).

No wonder the story writer responded so enthusiastically to Lee Hyun-jae’s novel.

Therefore, the ending is simple.

I don’t know which path it will take, but the former is an uneasy harmony, while the latter is a comfortable solitude.

From my point of view, it’s hard to see either as a happy ending. Still, I hope that I in the story will choose the former, but that is not an area I can control.

Anyway, in the tour PV and video, Lee Hyun-jae and I stared at each other in silence for 7 seconds.

Harsh lighting shone on my side, and soft lighting shone on Lee Hyun-jae’s side.

Behind me, all kinds of books were arranged like an iron fortress on the bookshelf, and behind Lee Hyun-jae, there was a vase containing a collapsed Jenga [a game of physical and mental skill] and withered chrysanthemums (Lee Hyun-jae’s birth flower).

I realized it as soon as I saw it, but this is a story with no happiness at all.

Lee Hyun-jae will never be able to bloom vividly again, and I have no choice but to throw all the books away or strangle Lee Hyun-jae.

And accordingly, the other members will also be frustrated.

…If I had to find something that could be called a happy ending, it would be me hitting Lee Hyun-jae on the head to make him lose all his memories.

“Really?”

“Then.”

“Like I said, I could hit myself on the head.”

“It’s impossible in the story.”

It’s a limit of plausibility. How can a boy who claims that he can’t be wrong and that the world is wrong hit himself on the head?

“Unless it’s my head.”

Lee Hyun-jae stretched leisurely and sat down.

Lee Hyun-jae wearing pure white clothes, a design similar to a straitjacket that would be used in a mental hospital, excluding discriminatory meanings.

“That makes even less sense. Hyung [older brother or male friend]?”

“Because I’m fake.”

“Even if you act like that, don’t you think you know? That hyung’s principles of action are based on affection.”

A brief discussion about whose head to hit.

Lee Hyun-jae is arguing that he should hit himself, and I should hit myself.

Seok Jun, who was holding the camera. Chae Ha-min, who was holding the reflector, and Ryu Iden, who was filming all of this with his cell phone, just watched and laughed as if they were used to this sight.

“Okay, guys, are you ready?”

I touched the shirt button that was buttoned up to my neck. The round gold-rimmed glasses are cumbersome.

A thought that doesn’t get old no matter how many times I think about it: why does my outfit always choke my neck? Maybe my neck looks like it wants to be choked a little.

“Yeah.”

Of course, it’s not a big problem. As an idol who has been tied up with a harness-like dog leash on my upper body, lower body, and neck, this level of stuffiness is nothing.

“I’m ready, too.”

Against the white wallpaper of the hotel, Lee Hyun-jae and I sat facing each other.

We’re going to do this for about 4 minutes. Without doing anything, we’re just going to look at each other in silence.

* * *

To be honest, the work was not smooth. Because touring is an energy-draining task.

First of all, I’ve lost about 4kg [approximately 8.8 pounds]. Performing studies, composing, rehearsals, and performances is surprisingly difficult.

Of course.

[You can just reduce your sleep, you idiot.]

Right.

[Calculation. The probability of collapsing on the day the tour ends is 87%.]

That’s a relief, knowing in advance. What if I sleep 30 minutes more?

[2%.]

Okay.

I refocused and looked into Lee Hyun-jae’s eyes.

In fact, there was no need to film this scene as a video. In the first place, I was planning to play the song that Lee Hyun-jae and I recorded together as background music.

So, Ryu Iden’s efficiency-oriented recommendation to take a picture instead was rejected by the joint opinion of Lee Hyun-jae and me.

Twitching, blinking, all of those things create tension.

And if subtle noises are mixed in, it might not be bad. If it’s not good, mute it.

I looked at Lee Hyun-jae and drew sheet music in my head.

Like atonal music [music that lacks a tonal center or key], the scales are cut off abruptly. It’s an intro composed of violin sounds that don’t know where they’ll bounce and piano sounds that appear irregularly.

A song that won’t be sold anyway. How free it is; it’s an experimental field where you don’t have to worry about whether it will sell.

The violin and piano run their own paths, without thinking about taking care of each other.

An unstable and ambiguous state of balance. It’s like the relationship between Lee Hyun-jae and me.

And mute. In the quiet silence, Lee Hyun-jae and I will open our mouths at the same time.

I hope you are free, you

Same lyrics, but the meanings are completely different. I hope you are free from delusions, and you hope I am free from prejudice.

I hope you open/close your eyes, you

This time the lyrics themselves are different. I want you to open your eyes, and you want me to close my eyes.

You don’t listen, always, to the ideal ending that you/I want

Even so, is it my greed to want you to change?

The past that comes to mind when you close your eyes, the beautiful memories

Even so, is it your fault that you forgot everything?

I am frustrated with you for not being able to recall the precious memories of this life, and for not being able to tolerate your delusions for that reason.

On the other hand, you are full of resentment towards me for forgetting all the precious memories of your past life.

This song is like this from beginning to end. We sing the same lyrics, but what we want to convey is inconsistent. Like the piano and violin that are playing solo anxiously in the background.

That’s why Lee Hyun-jae and I came up with similar ideas at the same time for the title of the song.

Our monologue that started from the day you tried to destroy everything

‘Dualogue’, it’s a terrible title.

I close and open my tired eyes. When I open my eyes, Lee Hyun-jae is naturally looking at me. A sheet of music in my head turns over, and it feels like Lee Hyun-jae’s eyes are drawing a curve and approaching me.

We go around and around and come back to this place

Listing meaningless sentences and back here again

Lukewarm eyes, uneasy air, to a predetermined end

If we can’t be happy, even if we force it, even like that

Silence.

The piano and violin are also tired, so they only make one sound and take a break. Then, surprisingly, the piano and violin create a beautiful harmony.

Lee Hyun-jae and I are the same; there is no difference in these lyrics.

If the corner of the conversation, the dull collision, wears us down

If the worn-out voice, the cracked jaws, resemble us

If we can be together even with the broken remains, even with only half of me

Two people’s monologue, let’s talk all night long

Chorus.

To be honest, I was worried when I first wrote the lyrics. Because there may be people who don’t care about the worldview or anything else.

I wrote it so that even those people can understand it, so that they can listen to it as a story of two people whose conversation keeps going off track.

A couple in a stale relationship where their feelings have cooled, parents and children who bite each other, or even a story within one person is fine.

Even if you know that you get tired the more you talk and that you can’t narrow the gap, the constant attempts are fine even if it’s lingering feelings or affection. Anyway, it means that both of them don’t want to lose each other.

That’s why we decided to film a video of each other looking into each other’s eyes instead of taking pictures.

Small noises, twitching cheeks, eyes fixed on the other person, but the anxiety of not knowing what to say. This cannot be captured without a video.

Another sheet of music turns over. The piano and violin switch to a subtle solo route again.

All we can agree on is the fact that we are sitting in this place, at this moment, and constantly trying to have a conversation.

The Lee Hyun-jae in front of me is wearing a white straitjacket. Maybe he already tried to kill me and failed and was caught.

But I’m sitting here again. That’s the point of this song.

In fact, it’s also a protest to the story writer to some extent. Please give this damn worldview a happy ending.

How can the ending of that story be like that when these two different people care for each other so much that they endlessly monologue?

At least make sure there is no breakup, a cute protest (of course, the probability of me collapsing has increased considerably for this protest).

Long eye contact, I hear Chae Ha-min swallowing next to me, and Ryu Iden put his other arm under the camera to fix his trembling arm.

I can tell without looking. They must be laughing. Watching the two younger brothers who are just watching without saying anything for almost 2 minutes is worth it.

If you look at each other silently for this long, you will fall into thoughts and recall memories with the other person. Your face has changed. You looked younger.

How did you grow up like this? I felt the same sense of incongruity as when I reunited with Cotton on the day the survival show ended.

Lee Hyun-jae, who exists somewhere between an innocent boy and a young man whose life is painful—isn’t this like a teen movie?

The anxious and insecure child I saw for the first time has grown (is this right?) to the point where he can swear at his parents.

In the meantime, the sheet music continued to turn over. Time also continued to pass.

We didn’t take our eyes off each other, and I was admiring Lee Hyun-jae’s growth.

Suddenly, Lee Hyun-jae shed tears.

Following the source of the tear streaks flowing down like dew, there was a light that I didn’t know exactly what emotion it was—no, all kinds of emotions were mixed together, and I couldn’t say what it was.

At that moment, Chae Ha-min flinched in response to Lee Hyun-jae’s tears but soon remembered the rules and quietly adjusted the reflector.

I have to watch it carefully. It’s Lee Hyun-jae’s tears that are hard to see after me. Being able to remember every moment—wouldn’t that be no different from a blessing in times like this?

No one knows the reason for the tears. But we’re just waiting for the 4 minutes to end, and the sheet music in my head keeps turning over.