Becoming An Idol Wasn’T On My Plan [EN]: Chapter 337

I Didn’t Plan to Be an Idol – Episode 337 (305/343)

He’s changed. His face. Lee Hyun-jae noted, observing Ji Dong-hwa’s face.

He recalled a past diary entry: ‘I hate looking at my own face more than anything.’ This thought served as a footnote to his current observation.

Listening to the self-portrait that his brother had released as his solo track, Lee Hyun-jae remembered being surprised by the deep-seated self-loathing within it.

While the other brothers seemed moved upon realizing how Dong-hwa *hyung* [older brother or male friend] viewed them, Lee Hyun-jae was reminded to reread his own diary.

Specifically, the entry from when he heard the news that two trainees from external companies would suddenly be joining the survival show.

He didn’t need to read much.

‘One person looks like they could stab someone to death, and another looks like they would smile even while being stabbed. Rumor has it, they’re skilled. The chances of proving my parents wrong have decreased.’

Lee Hyun-jae laughed as soon as he read that diary entry. He couldn’t voice what was inside, so all he could do was vent in his diary.

The inferiority complex his parents had instilled in him was a brand. A brand that read, ‘Not even acknowledged by those closest to you.’

So, he craves recognition, but when that craving is combined with self-denial and a lack of self-confidence, both intimate neighbors of the inferiority complex, he becomes hasty and makes mistakes.

He sings well enough to overcome such mistakes, but because of that, expectations are high, and recognition doesn’t come easily.

But, sometimes he can’t believe that the person who broke that vicious cycle is someone trapped in even more severe self-loathing than himself.

And now, he was completely different from when he wrote that he looked like someone who could stab someone to death.

It wasn’t just the fact that his face looked younger. The faint dark circles, the sophisticated air, the delicate image created by his thin lips—none of these were the sole reason.

*Hyung* must now see the world as beautiful; there is no other explanation.

Lee Hyun-jae slowly closed and opened his eyes.

Dong-hwa *hyung* has changed. Starting with those eyes. Then, has the person within those mournful pupils changed?

Lee Hyun-jae, who would skim through letters from his mother suddenly asking for forgiveness from her son, who knew all her flaws, and then cut out letters from different books one by one to write a reply that wouldn’t reveal his handwriting, sending it under someone else’s name.

Has he changed from the young Lee Hyun-jae who would write in his diary every night, filled with self-reproach for the mistakes he made that day, lamenting, ‘What exactly is wrong with me?’

Lee Hyun-jae closed his mouth again.

Ji Dong-hwa also remained silent, and the hotel room became quiet.

During the last PV [promotional video] shoot, it didn’t happen because it was a short time, but if I look at someone’s face silently for almost a minute like now, I can’t help but reminisce about my memories with that person.

…Seriously, what would have happened if I hadn’t met this *hyung*?

Lee Hyun-jae sank into the swamp of his thoughts, thinking that Ji Dong-hwa’s pupils seemed lonely yet warm.

‘He would have studied.’

And.

‘He would have gone to graduate school.’

Because there was nothing else he was interested in.

‘He probably would have cut ties with his parents too.’

Slowly, though.

‘And he would have been unhappy.’

At least more so than now, for sure.

No matter how hard he tried to ignore it, the perception that ‘he was never loved by anyone’ would not have changed.

Ji Dong-hwa, of course, wouldn’t have met him, and his relationship with Lee-Deun *hyung* would have gradually grown distant. To Lee Hyun-jae, that was more devastating than cutting ties with his parents.

‘…Maybe it’s a bit unfair that Lee-Deun *hyung* is perceived similarly to my parents.’

The current group wouldn’t exist. There would be no gathering of these five. Imagining a life spent relying on inertia, hiding the remnants of suffocating parents and twisted inner thoughts.

Lee Hyun-jae suddenly felt a headache. He felt dizzy. Just imagining it made him feel trapped in a darkened room.

Lee Hyun-jae opened his eyes again.

Of course, the eyes that met his were still calm. Still seemingly lonely yet warm.

How grateful he was. If that *hyung* hadn’t gone crazy, it wouldn’t have been a given that Dong-hwa *hyung* was beyond his closed eyes.

How much, how grateful, and also how fortunate. Lee Hyun-jae felt tears welling up, like someone who had wandered through a darkened room and then stepped out the door.

There is time etched in that face. The *hyung* who had a cold impression with a face that could be called a boy when they first met was now warmly watching over him with a face that could be called a young man.

Between those two faces, Lee Hyun-jae stumbled, fell, and leaned on, using the human being called Ji Dong-hwa as a support. Not just Ji Dong-hwa, but everyone.

What would this life have been like without these people, how much would he have cried, how lonely would he have been.

How relieved he was to know that they were outside the door when he revealed everything during an argument with his blood relatives, breaking off the relationship.

How affectionate were the hands of those who held his shoulder tightly and walked with him at the airport. How warm was the scarf he had wrapped around his neck on the way to the college entrance exam.

Watching them try to comfort him in their own ways when he made a mistake on the first impression stage of the survival show…….

Like a line from a poem, all emotions rushed in like a sudden tide.

Lee Hyun-jae, helplessly swept away, realized once again.

‘…I’m still a kid.’

The tears that had been welling up flowed down in streams. Yet Ji Dong-hwa simply watched without the slightest agitation.

He wanted these people to protect him more. These madmen, but these people who all held a warm light in the corner of their eyes.

‘Even if I cut ties with my parents or whatever.’

He’s still a kid. Even if he pretends to be grown up and mature, he’s still young and fragile.

Since everyone decided to live close to each other until they die due to the curse Ji Dong-hwa cast, he will be young and fragile for the rest of his life.

Even as tears continued to flow, Lee Hyun-jae’s expression was calm. There were only slight tremors, nothing like distortion.

What lyrics would be engraved in ‘Monologue (Dualogue),’ which was supposed to be playing in the background music by now?

Probably, near the very end. The piano and violin showing off their skills as if boasting to each other to listen to them. Yet, they seemed to be more harmonized than in the beginning.

The ending when I’m all worn out, when you arrive

We breathe a sigh of relief, and then another monologue

It’s the end. A sigh of relief. Even though both are worn out and on the verge of death, a sigh of relief.

When he first wrote the lyrics, Lee Hyun-jae was slightly dissatisfied. He argued that it would be better if someone faced a tragedy, but Dong-hwa *hyung*, uncharacteristically, strongly objected.

‘Hyun-jae.’

‘Yes.’

‘There is a certain aesthetic to happy endings too.’

At that time, he thought again, ‘Who doesn’t know that? It’s just that I like tragedies.’

He’s young, really. The lyrics Dong-hwa *hyung* wrote are just a wish.

Even if we think differently someday and walk different paths, let’s just keep monologuing endlessly, let’s sigh in relief there, even if it wears us down, we have no intention of giving up.

Such a… terrible… curse.

Lee Hyun-jae corrected himself. These lyrics are quite good.

It couldn’t be helped for a young and fragile kid. Even if he has countless monologues, he wanted these *hyungs* to be by his side.

He thought he would never be able to understand the Lee Hyun-jae in the story, but now he can empathize.

To only know the memories with these people, that’s too cruel.

Lee Hyun-jae shed tears again.

* * *

As soon as he heard that the filming was over, Lee Hyun-jae buried his face in his hands.

Even the members who were going to comfort him couldn’t figure out what to say, so their feet were stuck to the ground.

“Eh, uh?”

“Dong-hwa *hyung*, cursed with his eyes, uh?”

“Is that… what it is, Dong-hwa?”

“No, so be quiet.”

What do you mean cursing with my eyes? It was just the same feeling as when I witnessed Simba and Bong-joo growing up.

“…Ugh, huh.”

Lee Hyun-jae couldn’t hold back the sound anymore. Suppressed sobs flowed out in broken pieces. At this point, he might have to consider rationally re-examining Ryu Lee-Deun’s words.

Does my face look scary?

Even if the fans say they want to see concepts like ‘bad boy’ or ‘thug,’ the reason why we can’t try it is because of me. They say that when I’m a thug, all they can think of is a mobster in a suit.

While gazes were exchanged like crazy between me and Ryu Lee-Deun, and Chae Ha-min and Seok-joon were holding onto each other, creating empathetic tears, Lee Hyun-jae raised his head, covering his eyes with his hands.

Only his mouth was visible, but you could tell that he had shed enough tears to make a salt farm just from the tear marks around his mouth.

“…The curse, it’s still valid, right?”

A really random statement. To the point where I was probably the only one who immediately understood what it meant.

Why on earth is he bringing up my dark history here? Could it be that after staring at my face, he remembered that time?

The memory of the day when I declared that the only reason friendship ends is death, the day when I realized that my drunken habit wasn’t self-loathing but just being honest, painfully resurfaced.

“…Yeah.”

I answered easily because that’s what I’m going to do anyway.

If someone leaves us first, it’s either they died by my hand or they died from another cause.

“That’s, like, really crazy.”

Hyun-jae, I’m refraining from using vulgar language because you’re my student and the youngest, but seeing you hiccup and indirectly criticize my drunken habits is making my resolve waver.

“…So, seeing how relieved I am, I guess I’m crazy too.”

*Su Gu Cho Sim* [an idiom meaning sticking to one’s original intention], our Hyun-jae. Yeah, you’re a member of our group too. A group where everyone except me is abnormal.

“…I’m going to go wash up.”

Lee Hyun-jae jumped up and quickly left the spot.

Ryu Lee-Deun, who had been watching his retreating figure, finally realized something, covered his mouth, grabbed his chest, and collapsed into his seat.

“…So cute.”

“What is.”

“Right now! Our Hyun-jae, who has zero expression of affection!”

“Ugh?”

Chae Ha-min and Seok-joon wiped away their empathetic tears and expressed their doubts. You guys, yeah, I like you because you’re true to yourselves.

“He said he’s glad to be friends with us forever, didn’t he?”

“That’s right.”

“Huh? Huh?!”

Chae Ha-min quickly got up from his seat, arrived in front of the bathroom with rabbit-like steps, and shouted.

“Hyun-jae, *maknae* [youngest]! Say it again, say it again! What was it!”

As if he would. It would be easier for me to express that kind of affection one more time… not that it would be. Lee Hyun-jae is softer than me.

Watching Chae Ha-min politely knock and shout ‘One more time! Easily! I love you, me too!’ with a passionate voice that didn’t match the polite knock, I looked at Ryu Lee-Deun.

“Did you film it all?”

“…Huh?”

“You’re filming the behind-the-scenes, right?”

“…Uh, I filmed it all. Uh? I filmed it all? Then? Uh?”

Our Hyun-jae is finally leaving behind a dark history. I smiled contentedly.