Becoming An Idol Wasn’T On My Plan [EN]: Chapter 363

About Dong-hwa.

The topic of conversation, as designated by Lee Hyun-jae.

It’s a time for the members to share their thoughts, focusing on one member at a time, indicated by ‘About ○○.’

Minor conflicts, if ignored, can escalate. To maintain a cohesive team, especially one that has grown so much, it’s crucial to address issues and find the best solutions, no matter how small the problem.

Honestly, it’s been a while since we’ve had one of these. About Ji Dong-hwa.

Usually, these discussions are rare because the two oldest members, Ji Dong-hwa and Ryu Lee-deun, aren’t typically the source of disputes.

Sure, Ryu Lee-deun sometimes pushes Lee Hyun-jae to his breaking point, or Ji Dong-hwa might irritate Chae Ha-min by overworking, but they’re seldom the central figures in an ‘About ○○’ session.

“…Is there really a point to this? We all understand how Dong-hwa *hyung* [older brother or male friend] feels.”

Lee Hyun-jae glanced at Ryu Lee-deun, who was seated at the round table. He, too, had rushed over, surprised by the news of Ji Dong-hwa’s collapse.

My throat’s dry; I need coffee.

“People need their space, too. We all know how much Dong-hwa *hyung* cares about Simba, and he needs time to process things.”

I agree.

Ryu Lee-deun nodded at Lee Hyun-jae and handed him a coffee. He still anticipates my needs without me saying a word.

He understands that Ji Dong-hwa is the type who needs solitude to sort things out, rather than comfort, in situations like this.

But.

“The problem is, he hasn’t been feeling well.”

Lie about something else. Ryu Lee-deun grumbled inwardly.

Even if his words are deceptive, his body betrays him.

Observing his posture, the way he walks, where he focuses his strength, reveals that he’s not as healthy as he pretends to be, no matter how hard he tries to conceal it.

I respect Ji Dong-hwa, but being sick is still being sick.

“Fortunately, or unfortunately, Dong-hwa doesn’t have any scheduled activities for about a week. If we leave him alone, he’ll just stay cooped up inside, and if his condition worsens…”

Seok-joon lowered his head in silence.

That ‘inside’ is Dong-hwa *hyung’s* refuge. Basic hygiene is possible, he has spare clothes, and the refrigerator is stocked with non-perishable food.

I should have reacted more calmly.

“I’m sorry…”

“…No, I would have panicked too.”

Chae Ha-min also lowered his head and bumped it lightly on the desk.

Dong-hwa, Dong-hwa, even after all these years of friendship, you’re still so difficult…

“Then he’ll come out if we tell him he needs to go to the hospital. He doesn’t resist that, *hyung*.”

“That’s where the problem lies. What do we do once he comes out?”

“…Ah.”

That’s right. I’ve never seen Dong-hwa *hyung* truly depressed before.

How to handle someone in a depressive state depends entirely on their personality.

Ji Dong-hwa and Ryu Lee-deun understand this well. When Lee Hyun-jae is down, they give him space and talk to him later, but they immediately approach and engage with the other two.

Even when they do talk, their approaches are slightly different.

“Dong-hwa *hyung* seems like the type who needs to be left alone initially, right?”

“Definitely.”

“But we need to get him out and take him to the hospital?”

“Yeah.”

“So, we can’t leave him alone, and we don’t know how to deal with him. Is there no solution?”

Lee Hyun-jae took a long sip of his coffee.

That’s what ‘About ○○’ is for.

* * *

A storm of memories raged within Ji Dong-hwa’s mind.

Memories of his parents’ passing, from beginning to end, resurfaced.

The act of someone leaving and being left alone remains a tiresome and terrible trauma for him.

A natural process feels incredibly difficult.

Schopenhauer, Nietzsche, Heidegger, and countless other philosophers have written extensively on death, but it all felt so complicated.

A memory unfolded, a night after tucking Mok-hwa into bed.

Even though it was time for them to return, he imagined his father had taken a detour.

He always loved sudden, impromptu trips. It was a constant source of arguments with his mother.

The first trip to Jeju Island. His mother had meticulously planned every detail, but his father hoisted young Ji Dong-hwa onto his shoulders and ran off to ride a horse.

‘Is this okay?’

‘When else would you ride a horse if not now?’

‘Mother said it’s too dangerous.’

‘Living is inherently dangerous.’

Other memories intruded, then returned to that day.

Glancing at the clock, Ji Dong-hwa waited for a call.

A call from his mother, saying his father had gone wild behind the wheel, or that his father was acting cute, begging his mother to go somewhere.

The second hand ticked by, and Ji Dong-hwa slowly reasoned.

His mother and father were on a romantic getaway alone for the first time in a while.

He didn’t want to intrude, so he tried to avoid calling first, but making a child wait at home isn’t good parenting.

‘…Mok-hwa was waiting.’

He felt a twinge of resentment because of Mok-hwa.

If he were alone, he could have convinced himself they would return soon, but he couldn’t bear the thought of leaving Mok-hwa alone, so he had to contact them.

He knew all the numbers by heart, so he instinctively picked up the landline receiver and dialed.

The dial tone droned on. His mother hadn’t set up any ringtones.

Soon, the automated message followed.

Ji Dong-hwa replaced the receiver and pondered.

Is it okay to call again? Wouldn’t it be too disruptive to their time together?

From an academic perspective, the actions that occur when lovers are alone are simple. The meaning of the actions is incomprehensible, but they exist phenomenally, so they cannot be ignored.

‘……Hmm.’

After humming thoughtfully, Ji Dong-hwa picked up the receiver with his small hands once more, then put it down.

They’ll be back. Let’s read a book and go to sleep.

Ji Dong-hwa, who had made reading a part of his life like an elementary school student, thought so and took out ‘The Work of Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction’ and turned on the reading light.

He placed the phone on the table.

The reading continued, focusing on each sentence without looking at the clock.

Otherwise, he would miss the complex logical structure and be forced to reread it from the beginning.

Ji Dong-hwa kept a small notebook and pencil nearby to jot down any questions that arose, intending to ask his father later.

Of course, he would erase any questions he had answered himself after rereading the book before asking.

As his concentration deepened, the dial tone shattered the silence.

Without surprise, Ji Dong-hwa placed the bookmark his mother had made in the book and checked the phone.

‘It’s Mom.’

He muttered to himself.

‘Hello.’

He answered with a hint of sulkiness. A small act of revenge for Mok-hwa sleeping alone.

‘…Ah, are you Park Ga-eul’s child?’

‘……Yes. That’s right.’

Ominousness. A terrible anxiety permeated every syllable.

His mother isn’t the type to lose her cell phone. That’s his father’s habit.

A situation where his mother can’t answer the phone, and someone else is holding it and contacting him.

‘Ah, by any chance, where are you now? Are you home? You must be home. I’m, I’m going to go, so don’t sleep and wait a little bit.’

‘……May I ask what happened?’

‘…Your mother and father, went to the hospital.’

Immediate understanding. Ji Dong-hwa was silent for a moment, then answered briefly, ‘Yes.’

He put down the book and closed the notebook. He wondered if it was right to leave Mok-hwa alone.

His head was spinning.

He’s a child. How scared would he be when he wakes up and realizes he’s alone?

No, more than that, if they were seriously injured, wouldn’t seeing them in that state traumatize him?

Ji Dong-hwa made a quick decision.

From a psychoanalytic perspective, he reasoned that it would be better for him to see his parents injured enough to be hospitalized at a young age than to wake up and find no one at home, only for them to return later.

In case Mok-hwa woke up when he pressed the intercom, Ji Dong-hwa only put on his coat and went outside without even putting on socks and stood in front of the door.

It was cold. Because it’s the end of the year.

They had planned to take the time to go out and come back at night to see the first sunrise together.

The cold air filled his lungs.

Ji Dong-hwa slapped himself on the cheek.

His mother always told him to act calmly. His father said that if you lose your reason, you will collapse.

You have to be calm. Calm, calm.

‘Ah, it’s you. Why are you out here! It’s cold.’

The firefighter, wearing his uniform, grabbed Ji Dong-hwa’s hand weakly as soon as he saw him and led him.

‘You have to be calm. Okay? Your mother and father went to the hospital urgently and need surgery……’

‘Yes.’

‘……Yes, uh, that.’

He has a calmer face than myself. A calmer voice.

What is this child? He looks like he has no emotions. ……He thought, then finally felt his trembling hands.

Ah, he’s trembling. He’s forcibly suppressing it.

‘Do I have to sign the consent form? Because I’m a direct descendant.’

What is that? The firefighter nodded for now and hugged him.

It’s urgent. Ji Dong-hwa’s reason wavered for a moment at that moment.

Having to sign the consent form means they are unconscious.

You mustn’t cry. Getting caught up in emotions won’t help. Let’s believe in modern medicine. That long history.

Let’s believe in the skills of the person performing the surgery. It is a correct society to be able to trust someone you have never seen before.

You must believe in the basis of widespread trust……

While brainwashing himself like that, he sat in the car with a blank expression. The same was true when signing the consent form and waiting for the surgery to end.

‘Are you okay.’

‘Yes.’

‘……Okay. I want to be by your side, but I have to go now. I’ll come back, so please wait for me, okay.’

‘Yes.’

Ji Dong-hwa wanted to throw up.

He was sitting in a chair, but his head was spinning and he had a headache.

Unstable thoughts gave rise to countless anxious imaginations.

The explosion of emotions was violently suppressed by reason.

The doctor approaches.

He opens his mouth.

He speaks slowly, very slowly.

At that moment, Ji Dong-hwa pressed his mouth shut and ran to the bathroom and threw up.

Understanding of the syllables was fast, but acceptance was slow.

Knowing the meaning did not mean understanding all reality.

You have to be calm.

After throwing up all the food his father had made and flushing the water, he thought.

Does he have a guardian? He doesn’t. Both grandfathers and grandmothers have already passed away.

He didn’t have any cousins he knew. Even if he did, he couldn’t trust them in terms of treatment, purpose, and their character.

Money is important, but at least in childhood, what’s important is attention and care.

Mok-hwa needs a good growing environment. If someone else raises him, it should be at least until middle school.

Since there are only a few people who decide to adopt at that time, he can take responsibility until the end.

……Can I do it?

To be exact, it’s something he has to do.

The word family is said to be just a word. Blood ties are just a biological relationship, and a deeper meaning arises from time.

Emotional support and a support to rely on are needed for a child who is still young.

That’s how Ji Dong-hwa decided on his birthday.

A cough burst out.

He couldn’t tell whether it was the young self in his memory holding onto the toilet, or the grown-up self lying on the sofa.

Was it recklessness? And in the end, he broke while enduring Mok-hwa.

You moronic bastard.

Ji Dong-hwa fell deeply into his thoughts.

It might be a dream. His mind is hazy, and his consciousness is unstable.

A trash who is still weak, stupid, and doesn’t know anything even after eating so much age.

A disloyal bastard who can’t keep his mother’s words to always be calm and his father’s words to act rationally, even after growing up.