Becoming An Idol Wasn’T On My Plan [EN]: Chapter 365

I don’t understand Ji Dong-hwa well. Whether it’s been a few years or not, it’s always been like that.

Anyone who sees us would think it’s ridiculous. Honestly, the only person who can claim to know Ji Dong-hwa better than I do is probably Mok-hwa.

“Looks like you’ve cooled down?”

“I wasn’t angry at Dong-hwa in the first place.”

I opened the carrot juice.

Where does my anger truly lie? For now, I dislike my father a little more. It’s too harsh to experience something like that in childhood.

There’s a saying that poverty is more of an experience than a concept, so even if Chae Ha-min doesn’t consciously realize it, I can be sure it’s harsh.

Ah, I resent him even more, what should I do?

He knew Dong-hwa’s father, so if he had tried to find the child left behind after his death, and if he had found Dong-hwa, what would have happened?

Such useless assumptions plague my mind.

“…Haha.”

I know life is busy. I know that money is rolling in now and my father is just a decision-maker, but I also know that the business was faltering back then.

He must have been overwhelmed, and even if he knew [Dong-hwa’s father] was dead, he might not have known he had to take care of his child.

Assumptions I’ve had for a long time burst out thanks to Ji Dong-hwa’s sleep talking.

What should I do with this negative emotion?

“…What should I do, really.”

Elder Hwayang too. He knew my mother. They were even close friends. I resent them all, and at the same time, I respect them so much.

I’m angry that there were so many possibilities for Ji Dong-hwa’s life to be better. I’m angry that none of them came true. I’m relieved and annoyed that I’m not in any of those possibilities.

What should I do, really. Blaming others for things I didn’t do is a stupid thing to do, and it’s not in Chae Ha-min’s nature, so I’m frustrated.

“What to do, it’s good that you’re not angry at Dong-hwa.”

“It’s the first time I’ve seen you have a nightmare.”

“You? Hmm, I see.”

“No matter how I look at it, Dong-hwa seems to be able to control his dreams.”

“Is that scientifically possible?”

“Science is Dong-hwa’s field. Don’t even ask me.”

“The present has to come for something to happen.”

Chae Ha-min finished his juice and put it in the recycling bin.

Now, I should slowly go to Dong-hwa’s care, no, surveillance. He looks like he’s going to work again in that state.

He took out a balloon flower drink with the lowest sugar content from the beverage box.

“Is Dong-hwa still sleeping?”

“I don’t know.”

Ryu Iden grabbed the drink Chae Ha-min handed him, looked closely at the ingredients, and smiled.

“But, you know.”

Chae Ha-min, who was organizing the beverage box, stopped his hand and smiled brightly.

“…Wow, I got caught.”

“Are you allowed to use your father’s manpower like that?”

“Security is important.”

Chae Ha-min checked the watch on his wrist. A text message arrived saying, ‘He seems to be in deep sleep.’

“You never know. Someone might suddenly appear and hold a knife to you.”

After that, text messages arrived in succession that Seok-jun and Lee Hyun-jae were working safely.

Ah, I’m relieved. I wish I could get a health checkup at this hospital. They’re very skilled.

“I don’t think that’s likely.”

“Ha, I guess the genes are dangerous. The older I get, the more I look like my mother.”

Chae Ha-min finished packing the box and waved to Ryu Iden.

“Secret from Hyun-jae.”

The youngest will try to kill me if he finds out.

* * *

Chae Ha-min recalled. The story I heard from Mok-hwa.

‘Hyung [older brother/term of endearment], honestly, I don’t remember that time very well. I only remember it in very short pieces.’

‘Yeah.’

While he was telling the story, Ji Dong-hwa was suffering and lying on the sickbed.

‘I woke up from sleep and ate, but it didn’t taste very good. And my mother and father weren’t there. So I whined to hyung that I wanted to eat something delicious.’

‘……Yeah.’

Chae Ha-min felt like his stomach was turning upside down at that time.

It’s too harsh. Even if I were an adult, even if I were in that position now, I would feel it was harsh. How could he [Dong-hwa] handle that at that age?

‘Hyung told me. He said that my parents would not be able to return home now. At the same time, he started explaining with strange metaphors and examples so that the child could understand, unlike hyung? In summary, all living things die, and so do my parents.’

Ah, what should I do, really.

‘But, honestly, hyung, I don’t remember. What Dong-hwa hyung’s expression was like at that time. Because I was crying.’

What should I do? Chae Ha-min stabbed his thigh with a pen.

If it were me, if Chae Ha-min himself was standing there, would I have been able to endure it?

Since I was young, being smart has become a curse. The fact that there were strangely many childcare-related books in the study, and the fact that those books were worn out, what was Dong-hwa thinking when he opened those books?

‘…And a few years later, he got to the point where he said that food was not delicious unless hyung made it.’

He learned how to cook, but he memorized books on various dishes from beginning to end in the library to minimize the waste of ingredients.

Household account book, bank account management, application for welfare projects at the district office, even a simplified funeral, comforting his younger brother when he cried from time to time, and he didn’t let go of his studies.

Is that something you can do with your mind? ……No, that can’t be.

“Dong-hwa is not in his right mind.”

Chae Ha-min put the box next to the sickbed. He keeps saying that I’m not in my right mind, but no matter how I look at it, the craziest person is Ji Dong-hwa.

“Is that something you can say?”

“Well. No matter how I look at it.”

“So, when can I be discharged?”

“You’re dangerous if you put me in the studio. Don’t worry, I’ll be out soon too, so don’t worry about being uncomfortable. I know you’re healthy.”

He took out a lunch box that he had brought on purpose from the box. Wiener Schnitzel [breaded and fried cutlet], and apple juice for the drink.

Ji Dong-hwa was silent for a while, looking at the table. It’s warm. He probably brought it in a warmer box.

He picked up a fork and knife and cut a piece. Chae Ha-min watched the scene quietly, and he didn’t look like the man who was suffering from nightmares on the sickbed last night.

“…Surprisingly, I can eat.”

Then, you have to eat. I went through so much trouble to bring it in case you didn’t have an appetite. I even asked the doctor.

……You were a child too.

Chae Ha-min suppressed a sigh that was trying to escape his throat. I’m frustrated that the cause of my anger is just this one thing.

Mr. Gisaeng [a supernatural being with the ability to manipulate time], please twist time a little. Tell me to go directly and find that strange man named Chae Du-sik. Or feed himself.

Chae Ha-min waited for a while, watching Ji Dong-hwa constantly moving. But no matter how many times he spoke to him, he didn’t answer.

That Ji Dong-hwa, who never became close to me. I guess there’s nothing I can do. Even if I offer comfort, it doesn’t reach him.

Soon, the sigh he was holding back burst out. Ji Dong-hwa smiled faintly.

“…It’s not that it doesn’t reach me, it’s just that I can’t answer.”

Ah, how mysterious. I can’t get used to it no matter how many times I experience it.

“He always says thank you.”

That’s a lie. Considering Ji Dong-hwa’s twisted personality, he would have been even more twisted if he had spent that long time alone.

Maybe he’s saying something like, ‘Please tell him to take care of himself.’

“……That’s right.”

“Wow, that’s a relief. I think I can live well with Mr. Gisaeng even if we live together.”

Three claps. Chae Ha-min became excited.

Honestly, I didn’t know how to comfort him. I didn’t even know if it was something I could comfort in the first place.

Ji Dong-hwa taught me. The only way to overcome past traumas is to live on your own.

“That’s right, that’s a relief.”

“What?”

“Next time, please take care of me.”

The sound of glass bottles bumping against each other, the sound of a nursing chair scratching the floor. A face in shock. No, it might be closer to relief.

Ji Dong-hwa looked at Chae Ha-min with warm eyes.

“I decided to do that.”

He smiled brightly. On the other hand.

“I decided to do that? What does that mean.”

Chae Ha-min was very puzzled. Like Ji Dong-hwa, who once threatened to kill him if he quit the group while drunk, he had eyes full of madness.

“While talking to you guys, I decided to do that.”

Ji Dong-hwa in that state means that his logic is so twisted that he has reached a bizarre conclusion.

Somewhere between rational reasoning and emotional desire, a strange answer that can satisfy both.

“…Can you tell me more about it?”

“Sure.”

Ji Dong-hwa was still smiling while wearing his patient gown. He really looked like a sick person.

“Next time, what kind of experience do you want to have, Ha-min.”

Overwhelming madness. Chae Ha-min became more curious.

Ah, what is it? What kind of thoughts are flowing through his head?

It probably started with that one simple thought that he didn’t want to break up [the group]. So, starting from that thought, he’s trying to attempt something similar to reincarnation.

Leaving aside whether that’s possible or not, I can see the madness of trust.

“…College student.”

“Okay.”

“I want to go to the same college as you.”

Ji Dong-hwa’s trust is heavy. It can be seen as a lesson within Blossoms [the group]. So, as Ji Dong-hwa believes this time, I think things will happen.

“Really?”

“Yeah. Being a celebrity is good, but I want to experience just living once.”

“What’s next?”

“That’s difficult. Can I think about it for about a thousand [days]?”

“Yeah.”

Shining eyes. Chae Ha-min could trust those eyes of Ji Dong-hwa.

No matter how nonsense it is, what Ji Dong-hwa spits out becomes the truth.

“…What are you saying, crazy hyung.”

And Ryu Iden and Mok-hwa, who were listening to all this, muttered.

“Hello.”

Ji Dong-hwa didn’t feel ashamed even after seeing them. Ryu Iden realized that he was completely out of his mind. And Mok-hwa covered his face as he looked at his brother.

“…Hyung, was it very hard?”

Mok-hwa ran over and stroked Ji Dong-hwa’s back.

He’s crazy, just crazy. What should I do, should I put him in a mental hospital? I knew his past wounds were deep, but I didn’t know it would be this bad.

“Well. I’m surprisingly okay.”

“I really can’t believe that carefree face, hyung. Do you know what you were like last night?”

“You’ll be my younger brother forever.”

“That’s right, it’s a shame! I want to be a younger brother too.”

Ji Dong-hwa and Chae Ha-min’s conversation was missing something. It was proven what happens when the greatest reason is broken, and what happens when a good and pure person follows him.

Then Ji Dong-hwa cut and ate the Wiener Schnitzel deliciously.

Chae Ha-min opened a new juice lid next to him.

The only two normal people watching the scene were swept away by such an ordinary scene.

“…Once, I wonder what it would be like if I was the older brother and hyung was the younger brother.”

“I want to go to college together too. I’m a little jealous when I see Hyun-jae and you.”

The afternoon sunlight split and poured down the hospital room window.

A leisurely afternoon, a very ordinary scene. No one could imagine that a strange conversation was going on.