Brother, Am I Cute? [EN]: Chapter 213

“Hyung, am I cute?” 213

-Sihyuk’s Childcare Diary.

-Lee Sihyuk, 6 years old.

A few days after Sihyuk’s birthday.

I finally understood my son’s feelings.

And what his mother had told him.

I didn’t know those words would hurt him.

I felt like such a shameful father in front of my child.

I was so sorry.

I cried like a little kid.

“Why would Daddy abandon Sihyuk? I would never abandon you. You know why?”

“Why?”

“It’s already written in law. If I break it, Daddy goes to jail.”

“Sniff. If Daddy goes to jail, I’ll be all alone. Waaaaah.”

I was in the middle of crying, but I was really taken aback.

“No, that’s not what I mean. I mean Daddy will always be by Sihyuk’s side. More than anyone else. That’s why Daddy isn’t going on business trips anymore. I’m going to do something else. You know that, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Want me to tell you something even more amazing than the law?”

“What is it?”

I wiped the tears from Sihyuk’s cheeks with my hand.

His face, still chubby, made me realize how young he really was.

“There’s something called a soul in this world. Destined connections have a red thread [a metaphor for fate, often represented as an invisible red cord tying people together], but we have a golden thread.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Daddy prayed really hard and asked for it. So we’ll never, ever be apart.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. This will help us meet again even if we’re far apart.”

“Then can I find my way to Daddy even if I get lost?”

“Yeah.”

“Even if Daddy goes somewhere else?”

“Of course. Does this make you feel better?”

He’s still young, so he believes everything I say.

I intend to keep this promise as his father.

That I will never be apart from you.

Even if death separates us, I will remain by your side as a soul.

Until you can walk forward with confidence.

When you no longer need me, I will applaud your independence.

So, you don’t need to worry too much right now.

“Promise. Daddy, promise.”

“Yeah. Pinky promise. And a stamp.”

“But who did you pray to?”

“Huh?”

“Contracts have someone to stamp them. You have to pray well. Who did you pray to well?”

“How do you know about contract stamps?”

“I heard you working, Daddy.”

“I see. Sihyuk is so smart, isn’t he?”

After thinking for a moment, I answered.

“I prayed to the stars far away in the sky. The ones that shine so beautifully.”

“Aren’t stars just fixed stars?”

“Huh?”

“I saw it in Daddy’s book. They’re fixed stars. They shine on their own.”

“When did you read something like that?”

“I read it really hard. There were a lot of things I didn’t know.”

“Really?”

“But if you pray to something like the sun, will your wish come true?”

“Yeah. But wishes don’t just come true. Shooting stars take your wish and process it and bring it to you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Daddy made a wish on a shooting star. To never be apart. Even if we do get separated, I asked the young, blue star to guide us well.”

“Blue star?”

“Yeah. The younger the star, the bluer it is. Even if Daddy becomes a star, I’ll live as a young, blue star.”

“Then did your wish come true?”

“Yeah. That’s what I’m saying. You can’t take it back now. So you have to wish carefully.”

“That’s a relief.”

I’ll be watching over you, Sihyuk. I’m sorry.

***

Fallen leaves roll along the streets, signaling the decline of autumn.

A cold season is approaching.

The temperature suddenly dropped the day after Halloween, so I dressed Siha warmly.

It feels strange leaving the house.

I don’t know if it’s because so many things happened yesterday, or if it’s just because it suddenly got cold.

“Siha, it’s cold. Let’s get to the car quickly.”

“Hyung, car warm?”

“No. But it’ll warm up quickly if we turn on the heater. We’ll probably be at daycare by then.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s a quick trip. And the sun’s up, so it’ll warm up quickly.”

“Ah. Sun good.”

“Haha. It is, isn’t it? We hate it in the summer, but we like it in the winter.”

“Siha know.”

“Oh. Siha knows.”

We arrived at the daycare like that.

I dropped Siha off and went to the lecture hall to put down my bag.

The empty lecture hall is always empty.

There’s no reason to come this early, and after dropping Siha off, I sit alone with my laptop for an hour or two.

I do translation work like this until class starts.

It’s a routine I’m used to now.

But today, I just wanted to rest.

For the first time, my mind wanted a break.

‘Let’s go out.’

Leaving the empty lecture hall behind, I picked up my bag and walked down the street.

I came out of the university and saw people moving busily.

I guess they’re waiting for the kindergarten bus, holding their mother’s hand.

The way they chatter beside them reminds me of our Siha.

He’s become so talkative.

‘Cute.’

After a while, I saw people rushing out of their houses.

“Mom! I’m late!”

“Get in! Get in!”

“Ugh, Mom said she’d give me a ride. I could have just gone.”

“How can you do that! You have to eat at least one spoonful of rice to have a good day. We won’t be late if we leave now.”

The car departs with a daughter in a school uniform bickering with her mother.

Scenery that I don’t usually see comes into view.

Is it because of what happened yesterday?

Seeing myself thinking like this, I thought it would have been better to force myself to start working at school.

‘Let’s go back.’

I turned back and headed to school.

When you have a lot of thoughts and want to get rid of complicated feelings, it’s best to focus on something.

Instead of wandering around aimlessly.

I arrived in front of the school like that.

“Sihyuk.”

“…….”

“It’s been a while. You’ve grown a lot?”

“…Yes. It’s been a while. Really.”

“I missed you, Sihyuk.”

I took a step back as my mother approached.

I never thought I’d run into her here.

Why? How?

Complicated emotions surged up, and I opened my mouth.

“How did you know to come here?”

“Your mother knows which university you go to.”

“Who told you?”

“What does it matter?”

“And how did you get my number…”

I stopped talking.

In fact, I can guess to some extent. If someone told her, it’s likely to be my aunt.

She probably told her about the school too.

It’s just a guess, but my mother probably has that kind of connection.

I didn’t want to meet her, but it ended up like this.

But if I ignored her and left, she would keep trying to run into me.

Then she would run into Siha too, and that’s not what I wanted.

“Let’s go somewhere quiet and talk.”

“Okay. Let’s do that. Should we go to a cafe? It’s a bit cold.”

“No… I mean a place where there’s no one around.”

I didn’t want to show anyone the sight of us talking.

Was that why?

I headed to the car I drive.

I pressed the button, and the red car door opened with a beep.

My mother’s eyes widened.

“Get in.”

“Okay.”

As I sat in the chair, the coldness rose from my butt to the top of my head.

The chill in my spine wasn’t just because of the cold.

I turned on the heater to shake off the cold.

“Nice car. How did you get it?”

“What does it matter to you?”

“Why are you being so prickly? It’s been a while since I’ve seen my mother’s face.”

“I didn’t want to see you. The reason I suggested we talk here is not because I really want to have a conversation with you.”

“What?”

“I’m telling you not to appear in front of me again.”

Silence stretched out.

I wish it would end with this one sentence, but I know it’s not going to be that easy.

So I had to say it clearly.

So that she can repeat it several times.

“I’m…….”

“Wait a minute. Sihyuk. Just a minute.”

I looked at my mother.

She took a deep breath and said this.

“Your mother hasn’t been in the country for very long. I also found out that your father passed away.”

“Yes.”

For a moment, I hesitated.

Is she going to ask me to tell her where the columbarium [a place for the respectful and usually public storage of urns holding cremated remains] is?

My aunt would know that, though, right?

Just as my head was about to get complicated, my mother said.

“Really. I was really surprised. That such a difficult thing happened to you. And your younger sibling… Hooo. Yeah. You’re left with that young sibling.”

“So?”

“So, your mother was thinking, what if we lived together?”

“I don’t need it.”

“Don’t say it so harshly. Think about it a little. You’re raising a child alone right now. It’s not easy. You’re even twenty-three years old. Soon to be twenty-four. I heard that Korea is a very important time from now on. If you miss the job market, it’ll be too hard to catch up.”

“I’ll take care of that.”

“How can you prepare for a job while raising a kid? And can you handle it? What if you get even a little sick? Who will take care of you?”

“Dad raised me just fine.”

“Dad already had a firm position and a lot of connections. I know because I’ve worked as the same translator.”

“Stop it.”

My mother sighs.

I wonder why she’s doing this now.

Did she come because my father isn’t here?

Even so, there will be no day when I borrow my mother’s hand.

“Let’s live with Mom. Mom’s been living alone, and it’s too lonely. I’m even about to get depression at this age.”

I let out a hollow laugh.

Yeah. Mom still hasn’t changed.

Like when I was young, she only puts herself and her feelings first when making decisions.

No, she must have complex feelings. Various things.

But why am I…….

“Hooo. When I was 5 years old. You told me this.”

-Sihyuk can understand, right? You can understand Mom leaving, right?

“Do you remember?”

“You. Still with that.”

“Yes. I remember everything. But what son understands his mother abandoning her child? Huh?”

“It’s just a divorce.”

“Yes. That’s right. Divorce. That can happen. But Mom.”

Mom stares at me.

Her eyes are filled with regret and guilt.

I just calmly. As if telling someone else’s story. I said that.

“From that day on, I grew up as a child who was always trying to read people’s faces. I made sure my place was secure and showed with my actions that I was a needed presence, afraid of being abandoned by Dad. Do you know? I just filled Mom’s empty space with myself since I was little!”

I gripped the steering wheel tightly.

“When other kids were looking for their moms, I took care of things myself. Because I had to do it. I’ve been an adult since I was little.”

But…….

“Why would I need Mom now? What am I? Something you take when you need it and leave when you don’t?”

My mother was the one I spent the least time with in my life.

But ironically, she was also the one who had the greatest impact on my personality and environment.

I realized that as I spoke.

That was too… I hated it so much.

“Please. Please. Let’s not see each other again. We lived well without seeing each other. I lived happily enough with just Dad.”

I heard a sound of swallowing. The sound of crying too.

I released the strength in my hands.

Was it because of the warmth of the heater? Was it because the blood was circulating in my hands?

I felt it getting warmer and warmer.

“Don’t ever come back. Don’t even show your face in front of my brother.”

“…….”

“Go. I have to go to class.”

My mother, who was quietly crying, bit her lip.

“Hic. You…. How…….”

“I don’t know what you were expecting…….”

“Sihyuk. How am I so different from Dad?”

“How can you even say that…….”

“No, that’s not true. Do you think your dad is so clean and different from me?”

“I know you cheated on Dad.”

“Yeah. An affair. I had it for a while. But Sihyuk. Your dad is the same.”

I frowned.

“I don’t know why you’re protecting Siha, who isn’t even your dad’s blood. Do you even know?”

“Stop it…….”

“Do you know? You know. Well, you remarried, so your son would know that fact. Then what about this?”

After taking a moment to catch her breath, my mother said.

“I know Siha’s mother too. The three of us knew each other.”

“…Stop it.”

“Does Dad still look different from me even after this?”

“…Get out without talking nonsense.”