In This Life, I Will Die As An Actress, Not As A Villainess [EN]: Chapter 1

I Will Die as an Actress, Not a Villainess

A bright afternoon. The hallways of HBC broadcasting station were bustling with activity.

It was due to the audition for a newly planned mini-series.

“Why are the best writer and director of romantic comedies picking the lead actress through an audition?”

“How would I know? I don’t even expect to get picked. I’m just trying to make an impression on the director.”

Just before the audition started, the atmosphere from the powder room to the waiting room was heating up.

Until someone’s voice poured cold water on it all in an instant.

“Uh…? Isn’t that Han Saena over there?”

Following the sound of shoes echoing calmly but firmly, people’s attention turned.

Long, dark brown hair with natural curls, dressed in a bright-colored suit.

Low heels that emphasized femininity.

Along with small accessories and a small bag….

“Why is Han Saena here…? Isn’t today the lead actress audition?”

“Don’t tell me she’s thinking of filming a romantic comedy.”

Han Saena brushed off the gazes focused on her with a light smile and headed to the waiting room.

It was an unsurprising outfit suitable for an office romance role, but gazes filled with astonishment and embarrassment scanned Han Saena.

“Wow, is it real? Does she think just anyone can do a younger man-older woman couple story?”

Han Saena.

A famous actress that everyone in South Korea knows.

However, that fame was….

If Moon Eunyoung was the ‘Nation’s Little Sister’ and Jisoo was the ‘Nation’s First Love,’ then Han Saena was the ‘Nation’s Bitch.’

From her debut, Han Saena had been slapping the cheeks of pitiful heroines for over ten years, engaging in the most insane antics in a chaotic conglomerate family, and unleashing hysteria that crushed the self-esteem of young professionals at work.

Stealing a friend’s husband was the most basic thing.

When she pushed her mother-in-law off the roof in a soap opera that once reached nearly 30% in viewership, she couldn’t leave the house for a week.

For fear of getting hit by eggs.

So, it was only natural that the surrounding reactions were surprised when Han Saena appeared at the romantic comedy audition venue with a prim and feminine look.

* * *

The waiting room was as noisy as the hallway.

‘I expected it… but is it really that surprising?’

The glances of several actresses and aspirants fixing their makeup while glancing at me were burdensome.

Well, Han Saena in a romantic comedy.

It is funny….

The miracle ratings are a thing of the past, and now a washed-up villain actress is here to film a heart-fluttering romance….

‘Washed-up villain actress.’

I repeated it once more in my mind.

Everyone would be sneering to their heart’s content.

But, this was not the time to care about such gazes.

I decided to refocus and held the already worn-out script in my hand.

My hands kept getting clammy.

My heart continued to pound erratically.

Just like that day.

The day I had my first audition came to mind.

The starting point of a long, nightmarish villain life.

I tried to exhale the breath that was stuck in my throat.

Huh, why is this happening?

I lamented the concentration that kept falling into sentimentality.

The reason my mind was so scattered was… because I was anxious.

After entering my forties, the number of daily drama roles coming in had decreased significantly, and recently, young actresses with fresh faces were monopolizing the ‘luxury villain’ roles.

In recent years, I had visited several audition venues to win other roles, but I had already drunk the bitter cup of failure several times.

That’s how the hope of continuing my acting career had become faint.

Nevertheless, the reason I was so desperate for this audition was just one thing.

‘I still want to act.’

It’s not because of money.

I’ve made enough money.

I just want to do a lot of acting.

Because I’m an actress.

There was so much of me inside that I hadn’t shown people.

I took another deep breath.

Calmly, let’s just do what I prepared.

“Number 84, please stand by immediately.”

At the staff’s words, I got up from my seat.

* * *

As expected, gazes full of embarrassment continued even inside the audition room where the director and writer were sitting.

“Saena-ssi [term of endearment], it’s been a while. I didn’t expect to see you here, haha.”

The director spoke with a forced smile.

I bowed 90 degrees.

“Hello. I’m Han Saena, participant number 84.”

The writer waved both hands at me with a burdensome expression.

“Actress-nim [term of respect], you’re not a rookie! How could you come to such an audition venue again?”

I forced a smile at those words.

“I’m a rookie just for today, Writer-nim [term of respect]. Han Saena in a romantic comedy… it’s quite funny, right?”

At my words, the staff put on embarrassed smiles, wondering what to do.

“Please take good care of me. I’ll start!”

At my words, the writer glanced at me and threw me the lines.

“Team Leader Jung, are you sure you won’t regret this?”

The role I was going to play today was ‘Yoo Ari,’ a woman who had been labeled as rude her whole life.

Just before she turned forty, Yoo Ari fell in love with a younger man at the company where she had fiercely defended her position….

In the process, she was a character who realized how to enjoy true life.

The scene I was acting now was a scene before Yoo Ari’s farewell.

I bit my lip, turned my head, and looked down at the floor.

And I opened my mouth.

“No, I won’t. Don’t look back and go.”

I expressed the trembling breath with a voice that suppressed tears.

“Then I’ll leave.”

“Just go.”

I answered sullenly with a slightly louder voice.

The writer who heard my voice laughed as if it was interesting.

Then, I opened my mouth again,

“Hey!”

I shouted at the writer.

In an instant, all the staff looked embarrassed.

What I had prepared was from now on.

I was able to confidently challenge this audition because it allowed for free acting.

The writer hid her embarrassment and replied.

“Why?”

“That… that clothes, shoes. Didn’t I buy them for you when we went shopping? Huh? You… take them all off and go. Hey, give me back my socks too!”

Before the lines were even finished, the audition room burst into laughter.

The flower of romantic comedies is, without a doubt, ‘laughter.’

In that respect, I was half successful.

The writer laughed as if she was enjoying it and threw a few things in front of me.

I stuffed those things into the handbag I had prepared.

While shedding tears.

This was my interpretation of the character.

A personality that can’t hold on because of pride, but says don’t go in a roundabout way.

But a lovable character that you can’t hate.

I wiped away my tears, stood up, covered my eyes with one hand, and shouted.

“Forgive me! Forgive me if you love me!”

I acted like a child.

And I became curious.

Beyond the hand covering my eyes, what kind of expressions were people making now….

* * *

‘Han Saena… was that good?’

Director Yoo, who was watching Han Saena’s acting, was sweating inside.

The actress, who was worn out in this industry, overwhelmed the atmosphere of the audition room in an instant.

Such an actress that people don’t even bother to look at anymore.

Han Saena’s cheeks were flushed red.

Clear teardrops fell on those cheeks.

It was the appearance of a woman in love that anyone could see.

In other words, Yoo Ari herself.

Everyone who watched Han Saena’s Yoo Ari had their mouths hooked to their ears.

Writer Kim was also tired from seeing dozens of participants all day, but she was the first to clap and laugh.

The assistant writer whispered to Writer Kim.

“Writer-nim [term of respect]… isn’t she exactly the Yoo Ari you were thinking of?”

The director, who heard those words next to him, touched his temple.

Because it was also applicable to him.

The person who will bring the character expressed in letters out into the world.

He found such a person.

However, the problem was…

‘Why Han Saena of all people?’

Writer Kim smiled, stood up, and greeted Han Saena, saying she had done well.

“Actress-nim [term of respect], what have you been doing without filming romantic comedies!”

Han Saena smiled awkwardly at those words.

“Haha…. Thank you for seeing me in a good light. I really empathize with Yoo Ari.”

“Yes? Is that so?”

“Yes, she’s a woman who is hated by many people.”

Silence fell in the audition room for a moment at those words.

In the meantime, Han Saena bowed her head again and left the audition room.

* * *

“Haa….”

As soon as I got out of the audition room, all the strength drained from my body.

I went straight to the smoking booth and sat down as if collapsing on the chair.

I put a cigarette in my mouth and tried to chew on it, but….

My mind was blank.

What did I do?

But it was a good sign.

It meant that I had immersed myself and done my best, and showed everything I had prepared.

At least the writer’s reaction was good, so wouldn’t it be worth looking forward to?

The days I had poured into this audition flashed through my mind.

But then.

“Han Saena can’t do it.”

Director Yoo’s voice was heard from behind the smoking booth.

The hand holding the cigarette stopped.

It seemed that the staff had come out to smoke together during their break.

The writer’s voice continued to be heard.

“Isn’t it worth considering? I was really surprised today. Everything from one to ten is the same as the Yoo Ari character I was thinking of and writing.”

“Will the viewers think so too? Will they look at the role instead of the actress?”

“But the acting…….”

“You can just pick a kid with a good image and a lot of popularity and match everything from one to ten.”

My hand trembled as I listened to those words.

I quietly put out the cigarette.

A person who looked like an assistant director added.

“Who doesn’t know that Han Saena is good at acting? But if you pick Han Saena as the lead, people will have a strong negative reaction even before the drama starts.”

“That’s right, you can’t help but be a villain expert. There were a lot of rumors about her personal life too. Well, we know that her agency is a son of a bitch.”

After hearing those words, I walked out of the smoking booth.

Everyone’s faces showed embarrassment when they saw me.

Among them, only Director Yoo calmly gestured for the others to return.

The staff glanced at me and quietly left.

When we were alone, Director Yoo lit my new cigarette.

“Saena-ssi [term of endearment], it feels like it was just yesterday that I saw you debut. Time flies so fast.”

“Director-nim [term of respect].”

My voice trembled involuntarily.

“I know that my image is heavily consumed. But… don’t you have any thoughts on using my villain image? Maybe we can create a twist.”

Director Yoo smiled sadly at my words.

“Is that as easy as it sounds?”

“Director-nim [term of respect], image transformation? You only have to overcome it once, just once….”

My words became more and more urgent.

Then, Director Yoo cut me off.

“Saena-ssi [term of endearment], that’s not what I do. Whether it’s by choice or by others… you’re the one who’s been walking the path of a villain.”

At that moment, the last thread I was desperately holding on to snapped.

Director Yoo continued.

“How can other people overcome that wall?”

The director patted me on the shoulder.

“You’re not getting many offers these days, are you? Grab the roles that come your way.”

With those words, Director Yoo turned his back and walked away.

My head went blank.

I felt like the ground was sinking.

‘Whether it’s by choice or by others… you’re the one who’s been walking the path of a villain.’

For a long time, those words messed with my head.

I… I didn’t want to walk this path.

It’s not my choice.

I didn’t want to do only these kinds of roles either.

Besides… from now on, all I’ll be doing is ‘villain’ for the rest of my life.”

Tears poured out uncontrollably at the weight of those words, which felt like a death sentence.

It started to rain just in time.

* * *

I went straight home and threw my clothes off.

I took out a bottle of vodka from the refrigerator and sat blankly in the living room without turning on the lights.

Tears flowed non-stop.

This is….

It’s the same as waiting to die as a backroom old man [derogatory term for someone who is isolated and nearing the end of their life].

One glass, two glasses….

I emptied the glass non-stop.

As I got drunk, my life flashed by like a panorama.

The memory was still vivid.

The day I passed my first audition like a dream.

I was now amused by my own spirit that had shouted confidently that I would do anything, whether it was a villain or a monster.

I thought I would act for the rest of my life….

Eventually, I started sobbing loudly.

“I can really do well.”

The hand holding the glass turned red with force.

I can show you this collapsing appearance, painful appearance, broken appearance, funny appearance, appearance in love, appearance dreaming, all of it.

“It’s already all inside me.”

Suddenly, anger surged and I jumped up.

The alcohol rose sharply and I felt dizzy.

Holding the bottle, I staggered to the study.

I rummaged through the bookshelf with rough hands.

The script for was caught at my fingertips.

This was the beginning of all the culprits, my debut work.

I drank the alcohol straight from the bottle and opened the script.

My densely written notes were all over the script.

Yoo Jian….

It was the first role in my life.

“If I hadn’t played her……!”

Tears blurred my vision as I got angry.

I buried my wet face between the scripts.

I hated this side of me.

I was cursing the role that I had been so desperate for, that I wanted to do well and that I had done well.

Was I just this kind of person?

Was I just this kind of actress….

The person I should be cursing now was not me, but Yoo Jian.

Why are you living like this after playing me?

‘Whether it’s by choice or by others… you’re the one who’s been walking the path of a villain.’

Director Yoo’s voice was heard again.

Yes, who am I blaming now?

It’s all my fault.

The person I should be angry with is me.

As I drank the last sip of vodka, my mind became confused.

My life, my dream, is ending like this.

I threw myself on the sofa and lay down.

But at that moment, I had a hallucination that light was spreading from the script that had fallen to the ground.

The sound of thunder shaking the ground was heard outside the window.

It must have been lightning….

I fell asleep as if falling into a deep abyss in an instant.

How long have I slept….

I heard someone calling me.

“…ra-ssi [term of endearment]…. Shin Sera-ssi!”

What sound is that….

Who is looking for whom like this.

“Shin Sera-ssi!”

Suddenly, an unfamiliar voice came close to my ear.

When I opened my eyes, unknown golden letters were floating right in front of my nose.

[Mission: Discover Yoo Jian’s weakness.]

“What?”

My head throbbed.

Looking around, it wasn’t the study where I had fallen asleep.

“Where is this….”

Then, the content of the golden text changed.

[Reward: Regression]

Someone shook my shoulder urgently.

“Sera-ssi [term of endearment]!”

I was startled by the touch and got up.

I Will Die as an Actress, Not a Villainess