In This Life, I Will Die As An Actress, Not As A Villainess [EN]: Chapter 117

Feeling the weight of their gazes, I spoke.

“I got a casting offer with great terms, but I’m a little hesitant.”

“Why is that?”

“Well, it’s the script. It’s a really challenging role.”

Seo Jae-yeon’s interest piqued.

“What’s wrong, Han Sae-na?”

“Right. Sae-na always seems like a confident, invincible goddess, doesn’t she?” Sung Min-hee chimed in.

I gave them an awkward smile.

“Thank you for saying that. But it’s not like I’m always confident.”

I picked up my beer glass.

Whenever people see me as ‘always confident’ or ‘someone who doesn’t know failure,’ I feel… strange.

Like I’m a fraud.

Things are different now, but I used to be more familiar with failure than confidence.

People probably have no idea.

Holding onto those unspoken feelings, I sipped my beer.

* * *

Back home.

I watched a couple of old movies in the darkened living room, both dealing with multiple personalities, before turning them off.

I wondered how the actors prepared for their roles.

From what I’ve heard, with multiple personalities, every time the personality switches, not only do their behavior and manner of speaking [ 말투 – a nuanced term encompassing speech patterns, tone, and characteristic expressions] change, but also their minor habits and quirks.

They literally become a completely different person.

had a total of five personalities.

You have to become five people, coexist with them, and experience their conflicts.

Pondering this, I collapsed onto the sofa.

I kept hesitating to accept the role, feeling like I was pretending to be crazy.

‘If you agree to appear, we will not only pay you the fee you want, but also discuss the casting of your co-star with you.’

Receiving such a generous offer made me suspicious.

Just then, I got a message from Min-young unnie [older sister or close female friend].

Was she still working at this hour?

-SCBS one-act play contacted me. They said the one-act play’s viewership ratings were so good, they want to do a mentor special. A talented writer has already prepared a short script for two women and two men, just the right number.

I read the message and got up.

Unnie added that all the other mentors had agreed to participate.

Then I couldn’t be the only one to drop out.

It was a good thing, since I’d been racking my brain.

It seemed like it would be good to get back in front of the camera for a while and get a feel for it.

I wanted to go to the set and stop thinking.

* * *

The one-act play shooting set.

The one-act play set, which I had been hesitant about, was perfect for a refresh.

A familiar but well-written script, combined with the veteran actors’ perfect teamwork.

Rather, the simple script allowed the actors to showcase their individuality and true talent.

The atmosphere was also friendly.

Just then, Young-yi, whom I hadn’t seen in a while, ran over from afar.

“Mentor!! I came to support you!”

Young-yi handed me cookies she had baked herself.

I was happy to see Young-yi after so long and took her hand.

“It’s been a while, how have you been?”

“Yes.”

Young-yi chattered about her recent activities, smiling.

I listened with a gentle smile.

“It’s so hard to choose what to pick. It’s harder than choosing a company.”

Young-yi was seriously considering her TV mini-series debut.

Young-yi, complaining that her hair was falling out, presented several options.

“…But I can’t seem to find a clear answer with any of these. Actually, I was lucky enough to get first place in the audition, so I’m suddenly scared. But if I do this, I’ll grow a lot, right?”

Suddenly, I perked up at Young-yi’s last words.

I stared blankly at Young-yi’s face for a moment.

“…Mentor?”

I was in a similar situation to Young-yi.

Worrying about a difficult script.

But Young-yi held onto a small hope at the end of that worry.

She had found her own reason to participate in that project.

Even if it’s an unanswerable question, she’s holding onto expectations.

I’ll probably grow. I’ll probably get better.

I felt like my mentee’s fiery will gave me some answers when I wasn’t confident.

“Yes. Maybe that work is the best work for you to grow.”

I said that and smiled slightly.

* * *

“Are your soles several times thicker than others’?”

It was evening after the filming.

Seo Jae-yeon suddenly called me out for coffee.

“Pardon?”

“How can every path you take be a thorny one? Do you like acupressure?”

Seo Jae-yeon, having heard that I was considering , delivered her trademark cynical joke.

I was lost in thought as I listened to her.

Do rom-com queens recite lines that would appear in dramas even in their daily lives?

“You’re very funny.”

I blurted out the words absentmindedly.

And in a second, I realized I had made a mistake and looked at Seo Jae-yeon in surprise.

Would she be a little upset?

But Seo Jae-yeon didn’t bat an eye and laughed.

“I’m a bit unusual, I am. That’s why my ex-boyfriend liked me. He said I was pretty and spoke well.”

Ah, yes.

It wasn’t information I was particularly curious about, but I nodded, laughing, “Ah ha ha.”

Seo Jae-yeon said to me.

“Stop being so formal with me now.”

“Pardon?”

“Stop using honorifics too.”

“……Why…?”

Seo Jae-yeon shrugged.

“Because I want to get closer? And we’re the same age.”

“……”

I was a little shocked.

Come to think of it, I had never asked her age.

This person succeeded early and had been holding onto the top spot for a very long time.

I was a little nervous when I saw Seo Jae-yeon’s face, as if she had something to say.

As if reading my mind, Seo Jae-yeon got to the point.

“Let’s do a project together.”

“Pardon?”

“It’s a two-lead female role that I’m going into this time. The director is already attached, and it’s a work by writer Bin Gyu-hyun. Writer Bin’s script quality goes without saying.”

I stared at Seo Jae-yeon with my mouth open, dumbfounded.

Seo Jae-yeon and I are doing a project together?

“The content is interesting. It’s not predictable either. The director is worried about the other female lead role, so I recommended you for it.”

“Why me all of a sudden….”

“If you and I do a two-lead project together, the viewership ratings will definitely be number one. And if we get recognized for our work, we’ll sweep the awards ceremonies too. Sounds good, right?”

“Yes… it is, but.”

Seo Jae-yeon raised the corners of her mouth as if she knew I would answer lukewarmly.

“I know the criteria you use to choose your work. People say that you have a special eye for scripts, but I don’t think that’s all there is to it.”

“……”

“The reason you choose your work is very personal. A sense of challenge, growth, new attempts, things like that.”

Seo Jae-yeon suddenly showed accurate insight and drew my attention.

“People like that tend to avoid paths that seem guaranteed to succeed. But is there a need to do that? The important thing is viewership ratings.”

The familiar yet suddenly unfamiliar words pierced my ears.

Viewership ratings.

“Ah….”

“What makes you act for a long time, what allows you to burn your passion longer than others… that’s not inside you, it’s outside. Viewership ratings. The time when people sit in front of the TV in the evening and watch your face, setting aside all other dramas.”

Seo Jae-yeon’s every word hit me like a blow to the back of the head.

I took my hand off the coffee cup and quietly pondered her words.

Those words seemed like a clear answer.

The lifespan of an actor is not determined by the actor.

Because it depends on the choices of others, not their own.

I already knew that.

“So you need to curb that mindset a little. Focusing only on passion or fighting spirit is as foolish and excessive as obsessing only over viewership ratings. The important thing is a sense of balance.”

“……”

“I’ll send you the script, so go home and read it. And give me an answer within this week.”

Seo Jae-yeon finished speaking and got up from her seat.

And smiled brightly.

“Of course, you don’t have to do it.”

I, who had been speechless for a long time, looked up at Seo Jae-yeon without saying a word this time as well.

“Even if we don’t do a project together, let’s drop the formalities next time we see each other? Then goodbye.”

Seo Jae-yeon walked away, making light footsteps.

I listened to those footsteps for a long time and realized.

How Seo Jae-yeon had survived in this industry for over 15 years.

Seo Jae-yeon sometimes yearned, and sometimes curbed herself.

In order to act for a long time.

* * *

Under the clear sky, I cut through the waves, the cool sea breeze hitting my face.

“It’s refreshing!!!”

I grabbed the handle of the rope connected to the boat tightly.

“Wow, you’re strong?”

Ha Sung-joon, who had applied sunscreen thickly and was wearing sunglasses, looked at me and smiled from the boat.

“Is it refreshing??”

Ha Sung-joon asked in a loud voice.

I answered as if shouting.

“Yeah, to death!! I love it, ah. Ack! Aah!”

The moment I lost focus while answering, my ankle was hit by a wave.

In an instant, I sank under the water.

For a very brief moment under the water.

“Are you okay, Sae-na?”

“Grab the handle again!”

The voices of people talking on the boat sounded muffled.

For a brief moment, the sounds of the world were cut off, and the water was quiet.

Unlike my stinging eyes and nose, my heart felt calm for some reason.

I relaxed my body and entrusted myself to the water.

And slowly opened my eyes.

The sun was shining dazzlingly above the rippling waves, blurring the edges.

I feel good….

Even as I felt that silence, the life jacket quickly pulled me to the surface.

“Puhah! Ugh, my eyes hurt!!”

Hwang Yu-sun, who had been sitting next to Ha Sung-joon, stood up abruptly.

“Sae-na, are you okay? You sank deep.”

“I’m okay! Ugh, I completely inhaled the water.”

I rubbed my eyes.

Hwang Yu-sun said, sounding fed up.

“Let’s stop riding this now. I don’t know if we came to play or to do extreme training.”

Park Eun-gi stretched out his arm and offered his hand.

I grabbed that hand tightly and barely climbed onto the boat.

As soon as I got above the surface, my whole body felt heavy, as if I was carrying a sandbag.

“Ugh, I’m going to die.”

Park Eun-gi quickly handed me a bottle of water.

I immediately washed my face with the clear water.

The captain, who confirmed that I was okay, drove the boat again.

I laughed out loud again, facing the cool breeze.

The three people looked at me with strange eyes.

“Anyone would think you’ve never played in your life.”

I laughed again as I listened to those words.

“That’s right. I’ve never played properly. I’m going to play now.”

Then Park Eun-gi, who was sitting next to me, chuckled.

“I’ll teach you a thing or two.”

“Will you?”

Just then, Hwang Yu-sun, who had a sun allergy, scratched her neck slightly, as if it was itchy, and asked.

“By the way, Sae-na, have you decided on your next project? I heard you went to the meeting too.”

As soon as I heard that question, a stone fell into my chest.