In This Life, I Will Die As An Actress, Not As A Villainess [EN]: Chapter 35

In a quiet corner of the palace,

I stood face to face with Soonim.

“How is the evidence search progressing?”

I could feel my voice growing darker with each meeting with Soonim.

“I regret to say, it is still ongoing. The more reluctant they are to allow Hongmungwan [Office of Special Advisors] officials to enter, the more difficult it becomes.”

This was already known.

“Did you uncover anything else during your search?”

I asked, wanting to know when Soonim had learned that Sangseon was a spy.

“…No, not yet.”

Soonim avoided my eyes.

A moment of silence passed.

In that silence, I realized.

She already knows.

It was clear that Soonim had been suffering alone, which made me feel sorry for her.

“Suppose… if someone who wasn’t initially loyal wanted to become loyal, would it be wise to accept them?”

At my words, Soonim looked at me, startled.

Soonim seemed frozen, unable to speak.

I continued.

“I want to embrace them. But not because I’m desperate for an extra hand right now, but because I believe in their sincerity.”

If she already knew Sangseon’s identity, I wanted to encourage Soonim to persuade Sangseon more quickly.

I didn’t want to be swayed by personal feelings.

Soonim seemed to understand my words and lowered her head.

And soon, my efforts paid off for the first time in a while.

Later that evening, after leaving Soonim, I faced Sangseon again.

“Your Majesty, I confess that I have been disloyal.”

The words I had secretly overheard from Soonim and Sangseon’s conversation poured out of Sangseon’s mouth.

“…Therefore, the kindness Your Majesty has shown me has made me ashamed.”

What kind of answer should I give?

Isn’t there something cool to say?

While I was deep in thought, Sangseon became even more resolute on his own.

“You may punish me for my sins and cast me out. This humble servant merely wishes to dedicate the rest of his life to Your Majesty.”

I shook my head at those words.

“No, not your life. Is there anything else?”

“Yes?”

Sangseon’s voice cracked.

“How precious is life that you so easily offer it, saying you’ll die. Seriously… tsk, tsk.”

Sangseon’s face went blank.

“If Sangseon dies, what am I supposed to do alone in this palace?”

Then Sangseon prostrated himself.

“I, I was short-sighted. Please kill…”

Sangseon stopped himself.

“Forget it. I need people to help Vice Minister Boo find evidence. You are the best among the eunuchs; can’t you mobilize them a bit?”

Sangseon listened carefully to my words.

“Put some effort into it, as sorry as you feel towards me.”

Then Sangseon said.

“I will obey your command.”

I stared at Sangseon’s face, which still held confusion.

It was the same answer as last time, but this time it felt genuine.

* * *

“Your Majesty! I have finally found it!”

During a secret meeting with Vice Minister Boo,

Soonim came running breathlessly from afar.

Soonim’s face was flushed with joy and excitement.

“Did you find it?!”

Soonim hurriedly handed over a paper bag.

Opening the bag, I found letters exchanged between the Queen Dowager and her close aides.

The letters contained the Queen Dowager’s recent plans to replace the king, as well as the details of framing Soonim’s parents for treason long ago.

“Where did you find it?”

I couldn’t hide my excitement as I looked at the letters.

“There was a secret drawer in the main building used by the councilors. The efforts of the eunuchs in the eunuch department were a great help.”

That’s right.

Then all that’s left is to deliver this to a person named Kim Ik-jae.

My heart was beating fast.

“The delivery. How do we deliver it?”

Then Sangseon, who had been watching from the front, approached with a serious face.

“I regret to say, it is difficult for the eunuch department, including myself, to go. The Queen Dowager’s Palace is watching, so there is a high possibility of being caught immediately.”

“That’s right….”

At my agreement, Sangseon’s expression darkened rapidly.

“Then, well, we can find someone else.”

I patted Sangseon on the shoulder as if to shake off the guilt he was about to feel.

Then Soonim spoke.

“I will go.”

Sangseon and I both widened our eyes.

After thinking for a moment, Sangseon stopped her.

“That won’t do. Vice Minister Boo’s knowledge is no less than a man’s, but traveling a long distance is dangerous for a woman’s body.”

“But who else can we send? I will go. I can do it.”

Soonim immediately retorted.

Both of them were on equal footing.

Of course, I didn’t want to send Soonim either.

Sending a woman alone on that rough, long road felt like passing on a burden I couldn’t bear.

But I sensed.

‘It’s right for Soonim to go now.’

It was a judgment as an actor.

Soonim is the main character in this drama.

I looked at Soonim’s determined and upright eyes and engraved it in my heart.

It was the look I had to remember for a long time and bring out again and again to express.

I said to Soonim.

“Leave immediately after your duties are done. I’m counting on you.”

Soonim smiled and nodded.

* * *

A night of mixed anticipation and anxiety.

The cricket sounds echoing in the distance felt sharp.

I was keenly aware of the powerless position of the king.

Because there was no way to know if Soonim was safe or if anything had happened.

The shadow outside the room, lit by the candlelight, caught my eye.

It was Sangseon’s back.

Sangseon must also be caught up in all sorts of thoughts and be worried….

Sigh.

I turned off the lamp and lay down.

Looking at the dark ceiling, I recalled the map of Hanyang [old name for Seoul] I had received during the day.

How can I make sense of this?

Even looking at a map from 10 years ago, there are countless buildings that have disappeared and been built in Seoul, so it’s difficult.

A sudden Joseon [Korean dynasty] map.

And also, what is Soonim feeling as she travels?

Even in this possessed world, I could only guess at the journey and the feelings that I might have to act out in the future.

Then Sangseon’s voice broke the silence.

“Your Majesty, I hear footsteps.”

As soon as I heard Sangseon’s words, I heard the sound of several people surrounding Gangnyeongjeon [king’s residence] in my sensitive ears.

Unlike the last time when the Queen Dowager’s soldiers quietly surrounded us, I felt a slight sense of anticipation….

But only for a moment.

A fleeting thought turned anticipation into anxiety.

If the source of the footsteps were the people Soonim brought from outside the palace, shouldn’t the news have arrived before they crossed the palace gates?

Again….

“I should prepare myself.”

I muttered to myself.

Sangseon looked at me with a bewildered face, and then a resounding voice echoed from outside.

“We have arrested a traitor!”

In an instant, despair appeared on Sangseon’s face.

After holding Sangseon’s hand once, I stepped out of the palace.

“Hmm…. Why is it so noisy?”

When the door opened, I saw the Queen Dowager standing in the middle of the palace.

Looking closely, she was completely intoxicated with the certainty of victory.

“Why is Mother here at this late hour…. A traitor, what’s going on?”

I rubbed my eyes as if I had just woken up.

Then a moment of embarrassment appeared on the faces of the Queen Dowager and Sangseon.

I’ve already been doing this for days.

I never dreamed I’d be acting even in this possessed world….

Soonim, disheveled and on the verge of fainting, came into view at the Queen Dowager’s feet.

I tried to shake it off and maintain my composure.

Then the Queen Dowager laughed as if my appearance was disgusting.

“Song Boo-chan, no, this woman Song Soonim, deceived the country by hiding her gender and tried to gather a group of rebels outside the capital…. I suppose His Majesty, who always cherished Boo-chan, didn’t know.”

“Is that really true? Then isn’t this something that should be severely punished?”

Then the corners of the Queen Dowager’s mouth twisted.

“Is Mother protecting this incompetent son?”

I smiled as if I was pleased.

Next to me, I could feel Sangseon flinching at every word I said.

The reason I’m putting on this play right now is just one thing.

“She is truly heinous. Where and how did you catch this criminal?”

When I asked the military officer standing at the front while looking directly at him, he looked at the Queen Dowager.

When the Queen Dowager nodded, the information I wanted came out.

“We caught her at the eastern fortress of the capital.”

“Hmm, it would have been a disaster if she had crossed the fortress. You guys did a great job.”

Then the military officer opened his mouth again.

“Even if she crossed, she would have been discovered by the patrolmen….”

When the Queen Dowager glared sharply at the military officer, he closed his mouth.

Oh, I see.

I’ll have to avoid that place next time.

“I’m pleased to see that the defense of the capital is strong.”

Now Sangseon was just standing next to me, looking at me like I was crazy.

The Queen Dowager spoke.

“His Majesty seems to have lost his mind due to the shock of the rebellion. Take him inside.”

Again, on the way to being poisoned like Yang Guifei [Tang dynasty concubine]….

I was afraid, but my heart was much lighter.

The path that felt so daunting until the goal was achieved now felt like I could sense how much distance was left.

I should speed up now.

* * *

Again, morning.

I took a sip of the water Sangseon brought.

My throat and lungs felt stuffy, perhaps because of the feeling of inhaling smoke.

I looked at Sangseon, who was taking the bowl I had put down.

“Your Majesty, is there anything uncomfortable….”

“No. Bring Boo-chan.”

As soon as I faced Soonim again, I quickly recited the words.

“There is a secret drawer in the main building used by the councilors.”

Soonim looked at me with wide eyes.

“How did Your Majesty know this information….”

“Hurry. There is no time.”

Soonim nodded in confusion and hurried away.

That evening, I met Soonim again in the book storage.

It was the first place I had heard Soonim’s true feelings.

“How did you know?”

Soonim asked with a face that had not yet lost its confusion.

“There are ears that hear everything. But isn’t there something else that only you know?”

It was the story of Sangseon.

Then Soonim’s hand trembled slightly.

I took her hand and smiled.

“I helped you once, so please help me once.”

It meant to persuade Sangseon in a righteous way.

Soonim nodded slowly.

Then suddenly, our eyes turned to the pond outside the window.

For a moment, I felt like I was finishing a day of breathless running.

I turned my head and looked down at Soonim, who was much shorter than me.

Now I could see Soonim in front of me properly.

At that moment, I wanted to say something to Soonim.

Was it because I remembered the confession I had heard before?

“Soonim.”

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

“Is the life you have newly gained fulfilling?”

Soonim smiled slightly at my words and lowered her head.

“I hope you are always happy.”

Then Soonim, who had been silent for a moment, asked back.

“Is Your Majesty’s life fulfilling?”

“Hmm, I don’t know.”

“This humble servant is always praying that Your Majesty will also be happy. And that happiness….”

Soonim hesitated for a moment.

“I hope it will be in the future that Your Majesty and I are together.”

These words instantly warmed my heart.

It was the same words I had heard the day I first saw Soonim.

‘I, a humble servant, dare to dream of being with Your Majesty.’

I remembered that I had thoughtlessly answered yes, thinking only about acting and harboring other intentions.

It wasn’t an answer that could be given so easily.

But even now, I wouldn’t be able to give a different answer.

I replied to Soonim.

“I am also dreaming the same dream as you.”

Even if I leave, Soonim and the King will be together until the end in this world.”