In This Life, I Will Die As An Actress, Not As A Villainess [EN]: Chapter 52

Lee Seok-hyun wore a bewildered expression.

He was the king himself, yet he seemed the only one unaware of it.

The feelings he was experiencing—the confusion, the worry about what to do—were consuming him.

He was feeling the same emotions as the king, but struggling to channel them effectively.

If he could just harness those emotions correctly, there wouldn’t be any problem.

“Does the king know? That he is the ultimate victor?”

Lee Seok-hyun paused, considering my question.

“Shouldn’t he act like he knows, even if he doesn’t?”

“I disagree. The answer is ‘he doesn’t know.’ He’s just striving to become the ultimate victor. That’s why he’s afraid.”

“That’s right….”

Lee Seok-hyun slowly began to accept it.

“In today’s scene, the king must have felt suffocated. He couldn’t have imagined that ten thousand people would actually submit opposing petitions. And he must have wondered whether to threaten his subjects or to lie low, because he is a king with a weak position, overshadowed by the Queen Dowager.”

“That’s right. The king doesn’t have a script… he has no idea what decision he’ll make in a few hours, or what effect it will have. He must have been panicked, worried, and afraid.”

Lee Seok-hyun recited his realizations moment by moment.

Suddenly, I was reminded of the time when I lived as a king in the script’s world.

I saw the overlap between the me of then and the Lee Seok-hyun of now.

Perhaps the reason I couldn’t resist and was drawn here was because of that.

I guess I wanted Lee Seok-hyun to overcome this crisis well.

Because he is the protagonist of the script that contains the story of the world I love.

“Anxious, uncertain, and yet he has to do well. Just like you, Seok-hyun.”

“If it were Sae-na, what would a Han Sae-na-style king have been like?”

I met Lee Seok-hyun’s eyes at those words.

“If I were the king, I think I would have wanted to argue with the subjects to their faces.”

I actually did that.

‘What are you telling me to be enlightened about?’

And that led to the worst outcome, with Soon-im and Sang-sun getting hurt and ultimately failing the sequence.

“Should I be patient? Can I get angry? I won’t be sure, and even after making a decision, I’ll be tormented by the possibility of being wrong. What am I missing, what should I do? I think I’d be so distressed that I’d even get angry.”

Experiencing failure makes you increasingly sensitive.

The Queen Dowager’s surveillance and checks will add fuel to the fire, and there will come a moment when you can’t control yourself with reason.

Because he’s human.

Because he is an existence easily swayed by the great flow.

“Then, he might even suddenly think about poisoning the Queen Dowager. Of course, that would be an overreach.”

Thinking about it as I said it, it was really crazy.

Lee Seok-hyun stared at me with a blank expression.

“How do you know so well? The psychology of the king, not Soon-im. Like someone who has really lived it.”

At those words, I realized I’d slipped up.

I shrugged, trying to act nonchalant.

“I was like that too. I knew I was going to fail the audition, and I didn’t want to do the work, so my thoughts went to extremes. That’s how I made the short film.”

Even then, I only knew that I had to win the reward directly, but I wasn’t sure that it would be exactly a short film.

“I just did it, even though I knew I’d be told that a rookie was being presumptuous. As a result, it’s helping me like this now. While making that, I wondered what the other roles would be thinking, what untold stories there might be in the script.”

“So you approached the king’s psychology like that?”

“It’s similar. So, Seok-hyun, don’t try to force the flow of emotions to illuminate a future moment. No one lives for the finish line.”

“Ah….”

“Don’t be afraid. Trust the king and trust the actor Lee Seok-hyun. Even if you leave it alone, the king’s own persona will block it once, and the inner actor Lee Seok-hyun will block it again. Where is the wrong path? You know better than I do. As long as it’s not fake acting, there’s nothing wrong. It’s just Lee Seok-hyun’s acting.”

Lee Seok-hyun chuckled at my words.

It was a much more relaxed smile than before.

I felt a little embarrassed after rattling off all those words.

“Thank you, Sae-na. I’ll give you all my figures.”

I laughed at those words.

“I’m good. Just give me two or three funny pictures.”

“That’s a modest price. Thank you so much.”

Lee Seok-hyun’s expression turned serious again.

Looking at his face, I had a good feeling.

That he would get better in the future.

“Let’s get up now. I’ll take you home.”

Lee Seok-hyun picked up his car keys.

“No, you can’t. There will be a scandal.”

Then Lee Seok-hyun laughed again.

“You’re thorough in every way. Then go carefully.”

“See you tomorrow!”

I left the practice room, leaving Lee Seok-hyun, who said he would stay a little longer.

The cold dawn air hit my face.

Haa, I’m sleepy.

I’ll get two hours of sleep again today.

I hurried my steps.

* * *

Next day, at the filming set.

“Are there really ten thousand playboys pretending to be Confucian scholars?”

The re-shooting of the scene that Lee Seok-hyun had been struggling with was underway.

“Though it is presumptuous, Your Majesty, I fear there may be listening ears….”

“Let them listen. If they are scholars of Confucianism, they would know better than anyone how absurd this situation is.”

It was break time during filming, but I came out of the van to watch Lee Seok-hyun’s performance.

I felt nervous for some reason.

But the current Lee Seok-hyun…

“A twenty-five-year-old king is going to rule on his own.”

Whirr, a thick scroll flew through the air.

“Is this even plausible?”

The lines changed slightly along with the ad-lib [improvisation].

I looked towards the director and saw him wearing a satisfied expression.

He seemed pleased.

I was too.

Lee Seok-hyun’s energy was clearly different from yesterday.

Deep disappointment, anger, ridicule. The anxiety hidden within.

Various emotions exploded simultaneously and naturally permeated the lines.

The fact that he changed the lines was a natural phenomenon that came about as he followed the king’s surging emotions.

The lines continued past the problematic section where ‘Cut!’ had been repeated.

“If you don’t like it that much, then replace me according to Mencius’ teachings [Confucian philosopher]. Ah, those who hide behind the Queen Dowager and only *chaenggyeo* [챙겨 – look after,챙기다 is to take care of] their own interests don’t have that kind of courage, do they?”

The emotions grew more extreme.

Sang-sun’s face briefly flashed with guilt as he listened to the king’s words.

“…Replace me.”

The king muttered to himself and turned to look at Sang-sun.

The king did not miss Sang-sun’s hasty attempt to compose himself.

“Sang-sun, do you see anyone more suitable for the throne than I am?”

Lee Seok-hyun was looking straight ahead, not at Yoon Young-jae.

It was a line that seemed both self-deprecating and venting at Sang-sun.

Sang-sun quickly prostrated himself before the king and pleaded.

“I have never had such thoughts. How could you say such *manggeukhan* [망극한 – extreme, outrageous] words?”

As Lee Seok-hyun’s acting stabilized, the veteran actor’s performance shone even more.

Doubts and anxieties about whether the king had noticed Sang-sun’s past cooperation with the Queen Dowager were underlying the lines and actions.

And even the concern that the current king might distrust even his own aides.

“You’re trembling too much.”

The king looked down at Sang-sun, who was prostrated, with a hint of suspicion passing over his face.

“I was going to abdicate and cause trouble. I was thinking of throwing a few names into the *pyeonjeon* [편전 – the King’s council chamber] and driving the traitors like sheep.”

The king rose to his feet.

“But it would be even worse if they accepted it as right. In the end, my only answer is to win over Man-song. I will wait for Soon-im’s contact.”

As he threw the last line, Lee Seok-hyun returned to his usual king.

A rational and *naengjeonghan* [냉정한 – cold, detached] figure.

A natural appearance that did not force emotions.

There was silence for a few seconds….

“Cut! Okay! Seok-hyun, good.”

Director Kang’s gentle praise fell.

At those words, Lee Seok-hyun’s face lit up. And mine too.

I felt happy for some reason and smiled.

At that moment, Lee Seok-hyun and I made eye contact.

Lee Seok-hyun smiled brightly at me.

Lee Seok-hyun smiled for a moment, then quickly picked up the script and focused, conscious of the upcoming filming.

The staff were also bustling about preparing for additional filming.

The close-up scenes of the king and Sang-sun, respectively, with different angles, and the scene of the king throwing the *maninso* [만인소 – petition signed by ten thousand people] had to be filmed once more.

Usually, when Lee Seok-hyun’s acting was *buan* [불안 – unstable], everyone prepared as if they were doing homework, but today the staff’s movements were light as if they were flying.

The Lee Seok-hyun from just now was really *meosiss-eossda* [멋있었다 – cool, awesome].

I was curious to see what kind of *moseup* [모습 – appearance, figure] the king, who would finally bring down the Queen Dowager in the last sequence, would show.

I didn’t see the king’s last expression in that scene because I was so busy *ppajyeonao* [빠져나오 – escaping, getting out] from the script’s world.

I was curious about that face.

I had expectations for Lee Seok-hyun.

I slowly turned around and walked towards the makeup car.

I never thought that going to the king instead of Soon-im would be used like this.

Was this why?

I got cast, and I helped Lee Seok-hyun.

I felt strange for some reason.

So now, is this the end of the usefulness of that possessed world?

* * *

The answer to the thought I had just had came right away.

It wasn’t.

I was standing in front of the palace wall, clutching my *jeogori* [저고리 – traditional Korean jacket] for no reason.

As befitting the material that went into the title of the work, each and every pattern of the palace wall, which the production team had *giullyeo mandeun* [기울여 만든 – painstakingly created], disturbed my mind.

‘It’s different from the *dambyeorak* [담벼락 – wall] in my memory.’

Is this how actors who can’t *ppajyeonaoneun* [빠져나오는 – escape, get out] from the method feel?

Many parts of the props or sets were different in other scenes that were filmed before this scene.

It was obvious.

Because this is not the real Joseon Dynasty.

Those things had never affected the degree of immersion.

But now….

It was different because it was a moment I had experienced directly.

The memories of that day disturbed my mind, and it felt like my soul was being split in two.

Soon-im, who has to meet Sang-sun *yeonggam* [영감 – old man, term of address for high-ranking officials] inside the *dambyeorak* [담벼락 – wall], and the king, who has to eavesdrop on their conversation from beyond the *dam* [담 – wall].

The *joakham* [조악함 – crudeness, poor quality] of the set continued to interfere with the memories that *millyeooneun* [밀려오는 – were flooding in].

‘Let’s immerse myself. This is my reality.’

Today is the day to complete the story of the world in the script that I made into a short film on a real set.

I closed my eyes for a moment.

What was Soon-im’s *siya* [시야 – field of vision] like then?

I decided to *jamsi beoseona* [잠시 벗어나 – temporarily escape] from reality and the world in the script.

I only imagined Soon-im’s emotions.

After a while, I slowly opened my eyes.

And I was back in the palace of that day.

“Filming is ready!”

The voices of the staff were heard.

I’m ready too.