In This Life, I Will Die As An Actress, Not As A Villainess [EN]: Chapter 53

A few steps ahead, Teacher Yoon Young-jae, with heavier shading than usual, was standing. The lighting, meant to contrast the old eunuch’s light and dark, illuminated the surroundings that had darkened, falling beside us.

Soon-im, having learned about Sang-seon’s past, would now interrogate him. For some reason, the space surrounding me and the teacher felt empty. As if there were no cameras or staff.

“Just be mindful of the shadow positions. No directing. It’s your original, so I’ll leave it to you both.”

The director’s dry tone was filled with trust. He was a director who would persistently demand his interpretation of the script from Lee Seok-hyun and even the veteran Won Hye-rim if their interpretations differed. I felt grateful.

“Then, shall we go? Ready, action.”

I quickly moved my feet along the palace wall. Hearing the sound of footsteps, Sang-seon approached.

“Time is of the essence, so why do you want to see me? The hidden documents? Is there a problem?”

I stepped back, my face hardened. I asked in a cold voice, “Are you truly worried from the heart?”

At that, Sang-seon’s brow furrowed. “What are you… There’s no time to argue. You know better than anyone that every second counts…”

However, Sang-seon couldn’t finish his sentence. I held out the phoenix-patterned cloth hidden under the roof tile. It was the cloth that had wrapped the note when Sang-seon contacted the Queen Dowager’s residence.

“…!!”

Shock and despair simultaneously surfaced on Sang-seon’s face. The sound filling the thick night air briefly disappeared. After a moment of silence… Sang-seon asked in a low voice, “Does His Majesty also know?”

“Does that matter to you, Chief Sang-seon?”

I used a stiff tone and expression, showing in real-time that I was losing affection for Sang-seon. Then, looking at Sang-seon, who didn’t answer, I gradually raised my emotions.

“You’ve been deceiving His Majesty and me all this time. Say something!” I felt resentful. When I thought of Sang-seon back then, I felt like I would go crazy with hatred for this man. As a king, and as Han Sae-na.

I asked desperately, “Did you really betray us? Or perhaps, did you never have any loyalty from the start? In this vast palace…”

Emotions welled up. “In this vast palace, you were the only one who was on our side.”

Then, Sang-seon closed his eyes tightly for a moment. “…It’s true that I started as a spy for the Queen Dowager.”

My heart trembled. The voice of Sang-seon I had heard that day overlapped. The voice of the teacher acting as Sang-seon was filled with heavy guilt and apology, but it also contained a slightly different emotion from the Sang-seon in the script. As if Soon-im knew your desperation, an emotion that I am just as desperate as you are now. Therefore, it felt like a silent protest that he was not a complete traitor.

“Then, was all the sincerity you showed while serving His Majesty a lie? All those attentive gestures!” My voice grew louder involuntarily. Soon-im still doesn’t know Sang-seon’s innocence. Like me standing behind the wall that day, her eyes are blinded by emotion, unable to see anything.

I let out a hollow laugh. If even you are a traitor, what should His Majesty and I do now? Should we wait for the sword to come to our necks with His Majesty?

I leaned against the wall, reciting the words in my mind. The words in my mind wouldn’t be heard by Sang-seon or the camera, but the emotion would be conveyed intact. I thought there was hope. Were we becoming mere entertainment for others in vain hope?

I looked at Sang-seon with dry eyes. Then, Sang-seon opened his mouth. “At first, that was the case. But…”

At these words, I relaxed my facial muscles, making a dumbfounded expression. To Soon-im, Sang-seon’s words were nothing more than wordplay. After deceiving us all this time, he’s talking about ‘at first’.

I stopped the rebelliousness that was not in the script from erupting and reined in the ad-libs [improvisations]. I decided to express it only with my expression. Then, Sang-seon threw out an irrelevant remark.

“Do you know what my dream is? It’s to live in an ideal Joseon [historical Korean kingdom]. A country with national power, a master worthy of that country, wise officials who assist him, and young people who are protected while serving their lord…”

While listening to those words, my brow gradually furrowed. Annoyingly, it wasn’t an irrelevant sound. Our king, in the process of fighting against the Queen Dowager, took her as a negative example and truly transformed into a ‘master worthy of the country’.

“The 모습들이 [aspects/appearances] that His Majesty showed me made me ashamed.”

Sang-seon’s last words. These words soon made me feel miserable. I wanted to forgive Sang-seon. I even wanted to cling to him, asking why he did that. I looked at Sang-seon with such resentful eyes.

“…His Majesty still doesn’t know.”

Sang-seon couldn’t lift his head. “If the royal mind wavers, we may not be able to move according to the plan.”

I answered firmly to those words. “If he were that weak, he wouldn’t have been able to fight until now.” I filled my voice with conviction. “Didn’t you say that you are different from the Queen Dowager? So, if you tell him the truth you told me, he will accept it.”

Please apologize to His Majesty. Come back to our side completely. This was my true heart right now. Then, Sang-seon raised his head and looked at me.

Time when various emotions intersect and gazes meet. 1 second, 2 seconds, 3 seconds… Even though a lot of time passed, no instructions from the director were heard. After a while, I felt a staff member signaling to the director. Director Kang’s disheveled voice was heard. “Cut, okay.”

At those words, my strength completely drained. Teacher Yoon Young-jae also took a deep breath. Extreme tension, understanding of Sang-seon, and conviction in the lord. Various emotions were still swirling inside me. My heart was beating fast. For the past few minutes, I truly lived as Soon-im. That time of dying and struggling several times made me live inside the palace walls.

Suddenly, I recalled the promise I made when I parted ways with Soon-im. At this point, can I consider that I kept the promise well?

* * *

Some hotel in Gangnam [district of Seoul].

“You’ve been deceiving His Majesty and me all this time! Say something.”

“…It’s true that I started as a spy for the Queen Dowager.”

On the large screen, the 모습들이 [aspects/appearances] of Soon-im falling into despair was playing. My face, completely immersed in method acting, was being zoomed in on. Gwul-flower, in other words, the production presentation site.

As I watched the video with reporters, actors, and production staff gathered together, I felt a sense of pride. Because it was the most elaborate scene. But… For some reason, the same video had been playing twice in a row since earlier. Except for me, people were silently staring at the video as if they were seeing it for the first time. I looked around. This is a bit embarrassing.

Soon, a seat was made, and the interview began. Before the reporters could ask questions, Lee Seok-hyun grabbed the microphone. “The scene you just saw is a scene that Sae-na made herself, everyone.”

“Oh? What does that mean?” “Han Sae-na, please explain!” The atmosphere quickly became noisy. Ah, that guy really. As I smiled at Lee Seok-hyun, Lee Seok-hyun smiled back at me. The director, writer, and other actors were also giving me subtle smiles. Surely, everyone didn’t plan this without me, right? When I looked at Director Kang, the director avoided my gaze. Hey.

The sound of reporters frantically typing on their keyboards filled the hall. Looking at me, who was very embarrassed, writer Nam Ji-hye grabbed the microphone first. “Actually, we had a lot of talk about the female lead casting, right?” It was a voice full of relaxed force. She turned her gaze as if to be considerate of me, who was a rookie.

“At first, the director opposed it after seeing Sae-na’s audition, right?” Writer Nam smiled slyly at Director Kang. Then, Director Kang hid his slightly heated expression and responded with the same capitalist smile. Then, he grabbed the microphone. “I don’t know if Sae-na is good at acting, but I was a little worried because she was a rookie and had no experience in historical dramas. But now, I’m in a situation where I’m holding on to Sae-na’s pant leg [relying heavily on her].”

Director Kang gave a blunt but sensible answer. Then, he looked at writer Nam with a smile only on his lips. Writer Nam just shrugged her shoulders. Ugh… This war of nerves is painful. Writer Nam continued to speak as if nothing was wrong. “Sae-na made this scene herself. It’s so bold. But as you can see, can you not watch this? I fell in love at first sight.”

“Oh, that’s right. I was completely overwhelmed while watching it too!” The comedian MC responded to the writer’s words, further enlivening the atmosphere. “So, then. May I ask the veteran rookie, Yoon Young-jae, who the media rediscovered, what he thinks of this scene?”

The MC’s question went back to the teacher. Then, the teacher laughed, 허허 [Heoheo – an onomatopoeic expression of laughter], and grabbed the unfamiliar microphone. “Veteran rookie, it’s nice to hear. As you know, I’ve been in the theater scene for a long time, where people don’t know me well, and then, while helping a junior’s audition, I suddenly got on the drama.”

Then, laughter flowed from the audience. It was indeed a veteran-like aspect. I also smiled softly and looked at the teacher. “This scene came entirely from this junior I cherish. Before filming this scene, I was overwhelmed from the moment I heard the story. It’s no exaggeration to say that I decided to do this drama because of this scene.”

While the friendly atmosphere continued, Lee Seok-hyun and senior Won Hye-rim also added a word each. “Ah, I’m jealous. She did better in the short film than I saw at the audition? But when I come to the set, she does even better. I feel a sense of crisis.”

“I think our Sae-na is hearing a lot of words that she is Post Won Hye-rim [the next Won Hye-rim]. The title of Post Won Hye-rim is a bit lacking for Sae-na. It’s just the original Han Sae-na genre itself.”

At those words, I hurriedly waved both hands. I’m embarrassed, what should I do. I was at the center of all the atmosphere and conversation. I was sweating. Then, the MC laughed cheerfully and changed the subject. “I heard that there is a viewership rating pledge?”

“Yes, that’s right. If it exceeds 20%, I’m going to release that short film in a special video.” Director Kang nodded and answered. Finally, the MC asked me a question. “So, now our main character Sae-na! Let’s hear Sae-na’s thoughts too? How was this work?”

I took a breath and picked up the microphone. I was sure my face would be red. All eyes were on me. This kind of pressure is also the first time. But somehow, I didn’t feel bad.

“I’m embarrassed, really.” All eyes were on me. This kind of pressure is also a first for me. But somehow, I didn’t feel bad. “If we talk about casting and short films, I was greedy because it was such a good work. Also, I wanted to be among the writer, director, and senior actors here, and I was so desperate that I made a short film.”

“Wow, Sae-na. Aren’t you being too humble?” The MC laughed and answered. I shook my head slightly at those words and smiled too. “Because I’m too much of a rookie, as the director said. Seeing that you’re looking at me so favorably now, I think I did well to struggle. I’m so happy filming these days.”

“So, then! As the lead, I can’t help but hear the viewership rating pledge. Our Sae-na, Seok-hyun! If it exceeds 20%, what are you going to bet on?”

Ah, I haven’t thought about that. Before I could turn my head, Lee Seok-hyun shouted. “Sae-na’s girl group dance!”

What? When I turned my head to look at Lee Seok-hyun, Lee Seok-hyun ignored my gaze. So, that’s how it’s going to be. I smiled at the MC. “Since the director bet on 20%, then I’ll bet on 25% instead? But with Seok-hyun senior dancing together? Wearing Gwul-flower costumes?”

Then, cheers erupted from the audience where the reporters were sitting. The sound of camera shutters and typing continued in succession. Then, Lee Seok-hyun’s eyes also widened. Hmph, I thought I was going to die alone. I bet it, but 25% was a wall that only mini-series that had been prepared for years inside the broadcasting station could cross. A viewership rating that is not easily reached even with the trinity of star writers, directors, and actors. It was a pledge that was made with that in mind.

So, I can rest assured. That’s right, please.