Sincerely, Vanessa [EN]: Chapter 117

To Teacher, From Vanessa (1)

“Vanessa.”

It was a somber voice, but Vanessa couldn’t stop. She wanted to purge everything inside, to blame someone, anyone. Even better if it was Gideon. She wanted him to hurt as much as she was hurting.

“Actually, aren’t you just pitying me? Couldn’t you tell the difference?”

“Vanessa, you think too highly of me.”

Gideon cut her off, unable to bear it any longer.

“Do you think I’m doing this out of pity for you?”

“I…”

“One touch from you is enough to make me lose my mind all day long. And you think it’s just pity.”

“Then why didn’t you say anything?”

Vanessa lowered her gaze, trying to hide her blurry eyes. She widened them on purpose, afraid tears would start to fall.

“Before we started a new relationship, or even after we started, shouldn’t you have told me? What was holding you back so much?”

Vanessa rubbed her eyes roughly. Eventually, tear marks smeared the back of her hand, but she tried to clear her throat to hide it.

“You know how much I’ve wanted to see you, Teacher. I’ve told you that many times….”

“…I know. That has always been painful for me. But I never intended to deceive you.”

“Then what?”

The gaze that fell was heavy. His lips were tightly sealed.

In that short time while waiting for an answer, Vanessa wanted to run away somewhere.

She wanted to hear the answer, but she also didn’t want to hear it. She regretted asking him to tell her the truth. This moment of waiting for his lips to part was terribly frightening.

“You asked me when I started to like you.”

It was rough, as if scraping the floor. Vanessa listened intently to his low voice.

“I don’t really know when it started. At first, I was just… interested in your letters.”

He slowly revealed his story, as if retracing the past.

“But at some point, I found myself counting the intervals between your letters. Day after day, I became curious about you… and I went to Nimrod to meet you.”

Oblivious to being soaked in a gentle rain.

“I thought you were a good person. You were very… kind and wonderful. But that was all it was back then. I just wanted you to be happy and have fun.”

Vanessa felt the tips of her fingernails digging into her palm.

“But after the internship ended and I lost contact with you, I couldn’t sleep every night. I was always anxious… and staggering, losing my balance. I just waited for a letter from you. Even if it wasn’t sent to me, it was sent to Teacher.”

“……”

“And at some point, I knew what this feeling was.”

Gideon gave a weary smile.

While Vanessa couldn’t easily open her mouth, Gideon continued in a subdued voice.

“But surprisingly, you felt attracted to me and expressed your affection. I couldn’t possibly refuse that hand.”

“That’s not an answer to my question.”

Vanessa mumbled, and he shook his head. Neither of them was looking at each other. Their gazes were misaligned, and their expressions were blurred.

“It’s a continuation. The reason I couldn’t tell you was that I was afraid you would abandon me.”

“What?”

Vanessa lifted her head sharply, but his face was not clearly visible, obscured by the shadows of the wall.

*Abandon me? What does that mean….*

“I don’t really know when I started to like you. So, I wondered if your feelings for me were something I had intentionally created.”

*Our meeting wasn’t a coincidence, was it? From Nimrod to Pythom. Maybe I was the one who leaned on your letters and took your affection.*

“I can’t find a reason why you would like me. Maybe you don’t actually like me. You are kind and gentle, and even if it’s not me, there are better…”

The man’s voice cracked lowly and then faded away. His Adam’s apple bobbed greatly.

“I was afraid that the moment you realized I was Teacher, your feelings for me might shatter… I’m sorry.”

Vanessa recalled the day she met him in Nimrod, the day she walked the streets with him in Pythom. As he said, it might not have been a coincidence.

*But. But that….*

Vanessa suppressed her surging breath. Her chest was visibly heaving with uneven breaths.

Gideon was the same. He moved his lips several times but eventually couldn’t say anything and took a step back.

Even though it was just one step, the distance felt very far. Vanessa felt like she was standing on a cliff with a precarious bridge connecting them.

A thin line that could be severed by her one word.

“Whatever… decision you make, I will, to the best of my ability….”

She could see his eyelashes moving slowly in the dim light. Vanessa recalled the night she timidly stroked those eyelashes while he was asleep.

“I will keep that promise. Let me know comfortably.”

Vanessa couldn’t quite understand what he was saying. She just felt very tired.

Seeing Vanessa standing blankly, Gideon whispered.

“I’ll just watch you go in. It’s cold, so go inside quickly.”

Vanessa was gently guided towards the door of the lodging. Feeling that she would regret it if she didn’t say this, no matter what decision she made, she barely managed to open her mouth.

“Have a good trip.”

A quiet greeting. He wore a smooth, masked smile.

“I will.”

Vanessa opened the door of the lodging and took a staggering step inside. She felt the door closing behind her.

“What’s going on this evening? I’ve been wondering since last time, what’s the relationship with that man? Don’t tell me he’s your boyfriend?”

The owner, who was always indifferent and uninterested in everything, pried, but Vanessa couldn’t react. She touched her reddened eyelids with her cold hands….

After a while, Vanessa ran out again. But the alley was already empty, and neither the man’s back nor anything else was visible.

He had disappeared just like that.

*That’s not the kind of confession I wanted to hear.*

*Not that, just….*

Vanessa repeated words that she didn’t even know the answer to.

*Not that.*

⚜ ⚜ ⚜

Vanessa couldn’t sleep properly that night either. She took out the letters from Teacher and read them one by one. Everything, even the ones that came in Gideon’s name instead of ‘Teacher.’

*’That’s right. Always be grateful to your sponsor, Teacher.’*

*’…Yes. I think about it every day. About that day.’*

*Why his expression contained so much.*

That was the same reason why Teacher had no choice but to be absent from the graduation ceremony, and the same reason why he only retreated until she reached out her hand.

She didn’t even know if she had fallen asleep, but her body had fainted from extreme fatigue, and when she opened her eyes, it was already morning.

Vanessa stood still for a moment, looking at the empty entrance to Hornir [a fictional city or region].

“Ah….”

She let out a tired sigh and slumped down on the bed. She was supposed to move to the dispatch location in the afternoon, so she should rest in the morning. What kind of work could she do in this condition?

But she didn’t want to fall asleep again in this state with so many worries. She was sure to have bad dreams.

Vanessa somehow felt like she needed someone’s help. Someone who knew both Teacher and Gideon, and someone who would listen to her well. There were parts that could be resolved just by talking.

After much deliberation, Vanessa took the luggage she had packed yesterday and left the lodging.

Thanks to wearing the Special Forces uniform, curious glances followed her, but she didn’t have the mind to pay attention to them. All that remained in her head was that she had to go to Lina’s house.

*Please, Lina, still be home.*

Vanessa walked along the crowded street with staggering steps. The chattering noise was everywhere.

Even though such a big thing had happened to her, the world was still turning. That obvious fact made her feel so upset today that she felt like crying.

The reddish colors of the ripe fruits placed on the store stalls, the smooth luster of the high-quality fabric, were all gray to her.

With a somewhat unsteady gait, she stood in front of a house with an intensely pink roof. Even though it was quite a distance, her head was blank, so she felt like she had arrived in an instant.

When she rang the bell on the door, a neatly dressed servant appeared and opened it.

“Oh my, hello. You’re Miss Lina’s friend, right?”

“Yes, that’s right. How have you been….”

The kind servant, smiling kindly at her mumbled greeting, led her to where Lina was without saying anything else.

Fortunately, Lina had not yet gone to work and was finishing her meal, ready to go out. Lina saw Vanessa, who had entered with the servant, and frowned.

“What is it, Vanessa?”

“Sorry, Lina. Do you have time right now? I know it’s almost time for work….”

“Sorry for coming so suddenly.” Seeing Vanessa with her luggage and a gloomy expression, Lina clicked her tongue.

“Come in first. I can use my break time. Or I’ll work more in the evening, whatever.”

Lina pushed some food towards Vanessa, who was standing there.

“Did you have breakfast? Aren’t you going to work today?”

“No… I didn’t eat. I’m leaving for the dispatch location in the afternoon, so I can rest in the morning.”

Before those words could even finish, her voice trembled. When Vanessa suddenly started sobbing, Lina made a dumbfounded expression.

“You know you’re being really funny right now, right? I was eating breakfast.”

“Sorry….”

Vanessa put her luggage down haphazardly and flopped down on the sofa in the corner. Lina watched the scene with interest.

“What happened this time? I find it the most interesting when you’re like that.”

“It’s not fun!”

Vanessa raised her head sharply and shouted, but Lina smiled even more brightly.

“I’ll be the judge of that. Now, tell me quickly.”

Lina began to spread butter thickly on the bread. She was excited at the thought of feeding the slightly thin Vanessa a lot.

*She always loses weight when left alone. She doesn’t know how to take care of her own body. But it seemed like ‘that man’ was taking good care of her these days, but was he too busy to meet her?*

*First, I’ll feed her some buttered bread, then some white chicken with pepper. If I feed her about four spoons of jam, tea with plenty of sugar, and a cake with lots of cream, I’ll be satisfied.*

Lina was excited and spreading two layers of butter….

“Teacher. Teacher was Gideon.”

And dropped the butter knife. Lina stared at the knife that had fallen with a clatter for a moment and then frowned.