Becoming An Idol Wasn’T On My Plan [EN]: Chapter 50

50.

“Hyung! I think I’m going to die!”

Seokjun shouted as Ryu Iden briefly left the studio due to a call from the planning team.

Hmm, is this the fourteenth time exactly?

“…Shh, we need to work.”

“I’ve been fully focused for four hours straight! It’s tormenting! I get dragged here right after my schedule ends! I can’t even look at my phone at night before sleeping these days!”

…Exactly as intended.

It’s not that I want to torment you, Jun, it’s for your health.

“I see.”

Still, isn’t it a fair exchange since you’re not having nightmares? I’ve turned the nightmares into lesser nightmares, so my actions are utilitarianly correct. Even Fisher [likely referring to Peter Singer, a utilitarian philosopher] would agree.

“These days, I dream about working with you, hyung!”

…Oh dear. Well, in all likelihood, being tormented by me is better than having those nightmares.

“…But you’re not having those dreams you used to have, right?”

“…That’s— that’s true.”

He calmed down. Our team has a dinosaur and a rabbit that go crazy sometimes, so we should keep a tranquilizer gun in the studio.

Hmm, Seokjun probably wouldn’t be taken down with one shot, so it should be one that can be loaded with two or more.

Seokjun finishes speaking, pauses for a moment, and then opens his mouth.

“Hyung— you’re smart— so I’d like to ask for your opinion—.”

“…What?”

“Um— actually— well, during the survival show— there was someone I didn’t get along with very well—.”

…Could it be Yoon Sungho? I thought about Seokjun flinching whenever he encountered Yoon Sungho.

I wonder if there’s anything to hate about him. …Well, hatred doesn’t need a reason anyway.

“And— recently I’ve been having dreams— about debuting— with that person, um, I wonder why that is—.”

…How would I know? It hasn’t been long since I learned that dreams are a temporary experience of other possibilities.

Ding—!

[Of course, you will learn this on your own in 40 years!]

…Even after becoming an idol, is there no possibility of me stopping studying?

[You know best yourself.]

…That’s true.

I looked at Seokjun and opened my mouth.

“…Nightmares are generally caused by irregular sleep, eating before bed, stimulation of trauma, or excessive anxiety or stress.”

So, I mean I don’t know either, so figure it out from within yourself.

“…Then, trauma— maybe…….”

Seokjun, who was muttering like that, flinched, shook his head, and sighed.

…Hmm, maybe it’s because he’s around the same age as Mokwha, or maybe it’s because he’s not a stranger anymore, but it’s annoyingly worrying.

You shouldn’t stimulate trauma before they talk about it first, so I can’t ask.

I patted Seokjun on the shoulder once and said,

“…What are you doing? We need to work.”

This is the best comfort I can offer right now, Jun.

* * *

“Hyung-nim… Please listen to the guitar quartet part here—.”

Seokjun muttered in a dying voice.

“…Yeah, Juna. When will Donghwa give us the okay sign?”

Ryu Iden, who had returned after finishing the conversation with the planning team, also muttered.

“…Shh, leader.”

There are two songs we’ve decided to perform this time. The first is an acoustic arrangement of ‘Cloudy Blue’.

And the second is my own composition.

I had accumulated quite a few songs that I had made from time to time, so I accepted the planning team’s cautious suggestion to release one this time to establish my image as a composer.

And the song I decided on was ‘Cliff and Boy’, which I made to give as a gift to Ryu Iden.

I quietly called Ryu Iden, who had finished giving feedback on the acoustic arrangement, and handed him the paper.

“What’s this?”

“…Write the lyrics.”

Ryu Iden, who took the paper with a bewildered expression, put on the earphones I handed him.

“…Oh, Donghwa hyung, this song is good.”

…Of course. I started making it after listening to your old stories, and I’ve been refining it ever since.

The song repeats as the scale slowly rises and then suddenly drops, as if a child climbs a cliff, falls, climbs again, and falls again. At the same time, I composed it so that it wouldn’t have a dark atmosphere, but would lead to a hopeful atmosphere even if there was some frustration.

Originally, I was going to give it as a gift when I was eliminated from the survival show, but since that didn’t work out, I have to use it at times like this.

Ryu Iden, who had been listening to the song quietly, suddenly started moving his mouth silently after listening to it all.

…Is he finally going crazy because he wants to go to the dorm?

“Um, is this, by any chance, made for me?”

Goodness, amazing. There was some nonsense that dogs have the eyes to see ghosts, is this in that context? Feeling like I was facing something I couldn’t understand with common sense, I looked at Ryu Iden and nodded.

“…The title I’ve set is ‘Cliff and Boy’, but it’s a song I wrote for hyung, so you can change it while writing the lyrics.”

Ryu Iden looked at me quietly and then slowly nodded.

“Cliff and Boy?”

“…The boy is hyung.”

To be exact, it’s Ryu Iden in his childhood.

Yes, this song is ultimately my praise for the life Ryu Iden has lived.

And it is my active advocacy for your time, in which you stumbled on stones with only the belief that you could one day escape the dark cave and walked to the end.

Ultimately, it is my gratitude to you for debuting as a result.

“…Hyung’s tone is rougher than expected, so I composed it to match that. I’ll only add harmony, and Jun will only do eight bars of rap, so write the lyrics and practice singing.”

“…I’m scared that I’ll ruin such an undeserved gift by adding lyrics.”

I say nonchalantly.

“…It’s a gift for hyung, so it’s hyung’s decision whether to ruin it or cherish it.”

I took out a notebook from my pocket and handed it to Ryu Iden.

“…This is where I wrote down the background story I had in mind when I wrote the song, so reading it and referring to it will be helpful.”

It’s actually just a short story. I don’t like such hopeful stories, but this much to help.

* * *

Ryu Iden returned to the dorm, turned on the reading light, and read the novel given by Ji Donghwa, forcibly holding back the slightly rising tears.

‘…Ah, how should I repay this.’

What should I do for this grateful younger brother, this younger brother who is more mature than me, to repay his kindness?

When I listened to this song, and when I read this novel now, strangely, the bed I was lying on alone on the night I was eliminated for the second time in the debut audition came to mind. Maybe that was the first day I cried while being a trainee. Like a child crying from the pain of falling from a cliff I was climbing.

Ryu Iden would always tell himself that he could do it after crying like that. He tried to ignore the anxiety, shook off the depression that made him wonder if this process was really meaningful, and vowed to be such a cheerful self. At the same time, I now know that it was always festering inside.

That’s why, even though I debuted, the memory of that time still remained gloomily in one corner of my mind.

But the song and novel given by Ji Donghwa made me ask myself whether falling from a cliff was only painful.

As if to tell me that even if I had failed to debut, there was some meaning in the process.

Ryu Iden closes his eyes and replays the ending of the novel given by Ji Donghwa.

The child who throws himself against the cliff with all his might is reckless and stupid, and eventually stops climbing the cliff, but even as an old man, he proudly cherished the scars left on his hands. He said that he was a person who had given everything at least once in his life.

Is it up to me to give meaning to all memories?

Ryu Iden felt sorry for his past self who was sad, but also came to acknowledge him as a proud being who made him who he is now. And even if I hadn’t debuted, I didn’t think it would be recalled so embarrassingly.

‘…Yeah, the only way to repay it even a little is with good lyrics.’

Ryu Iden listened to the song he received from Ji Donghwa through his earphones and held a pencil in his hand.

* * *

Exactly two days left until the radio appearance. Seokjun was overjoyed at completing the final arrangement…….

“Finally! Finally! Freedom! From the years of oppression held captive by that evil and cruel hyung! Finally!”

Is he planning to turn my studio into a dinosaur cage…….

“Now finally! I’m going to binge-watch the delayed Fruits World! I’ve regained my lost night!”

He was jumping around like crazy. The tranquilizer gun needs to be prepared urgently.

“…Still, go to bed early.”

I muttered in a voice that I didn’t expect and turned my head to the side.

Currently, Ryu Iden is still struggling with the last line of the lyrics.

…It would be better to just write something like that and forget about it and fix it later.

But why is he so full of poison? It’s just a draft anyway, so we can fix it again when we have to include it in the album later.

“…Iden hyung, just write something roughly.”

Then Ryu Iden was shocked with an expression as if he had heard something he shouldn’t have and said.

“No, Donghwa hyung! How can you write the lyrics roughly for such a great song!”

…Yeah, if you say so, well.

I felt disillusioned between Ryu Iden, who was concentrating like a high school senior taking the college entrance exam, and Seokjun, who was running around like an elephant with an ant in his ear. I’m getting tired of running with them. After finishing the stage, practicing, and then coming back to the studio to work. This damn idol life is terribly busy.

“…Now all we have to do is let the other kids listen to it and get approval from the company people.”

“Before that! I will definitely write this last lyric as a masterpiece, Donghwa hyung!”

…No, the lyrics you’ve written so far are good enough, you stupid puppy.

* * *

“…Haa, I’m nervous—.”

Seokjun says while stroking his hands. On the way to BBS radio station, going to appear on the evening rhythm.

Well, he’s going to show off his work, so he can definitely feel that way.

“I’m a long—time fan— of senior— Gyeonhwon—.”

…I see.

On the other hand, Ryu Iden closes his eyes and continues to concentrate on the music. It seems that his desire to do well has continued until now.

“…Jun, so are you having nightmares these days?”

“Yes! Hyung comes out and keeps tormenting me!”

…It’s okay because it’s utilitarianly correct.

* * *

When we entered the studio, we could see Gyeonhwon talking beyond the glass.

We greeted the writer and PD [Producer Director] behind him in a small voice.

Then, the affable PD shakes hands with everyone one by one.

“Nice to meet you. Let’s do well today.”

We each took a cup of tea from the writer and sat on the chair next to us and began to skim through the script.

‘…Haa, what is this about counseling?’

What qualifications does a human being who is only twenty years old on the resident registration have to give advice on other people’s lives?

Even if you count the actual mental age, he’s only twenty-nine years old.

…Hmm, do the people who send in their concerns just have no expectations?

“I heard a rumor that if the counseling response is good, the probability of being called as a guest again increases.”

Ryu Iden whispers carefully so that the other staff members can’t hear him.

“Even that PD has a good personality, and he has good connections, so he recommends people well when people around him bring in guests.”

Saying that, Ryu Iden looks at me and makes a gesture to cheer me on.

…Haa, well, if I received counseling, I should at least try my best to suggest a solution.

So, 20 minutes before the radio appearance, about 20 minutes after we arrived, the studio door opened once.

‘Haa… Murphy’s law, you bastard.’

As I watched ‘Human’ and Yoon Sungho come in and greet the staff, I quickly glanced at Seokjun.

…Hmm, is he okay?

Yoon Sungho looks at us, then lowers his head again with an awkward face and waves his hand.

Ryu Iden waves back with a smiling face and speaks to me with amazing ventriloquism. If I hadn’t heard his small voice…….

“God Eight leader, the day before yesterday, Donghwa, after listening to you and checking it out, the rumors were a bit strange.”

…How can your lips not move even an inch?

I expected the rumors about that ‘human’ to be strange, so that’s fine, but I’m more curious about your lips not moving.

I don’t have such an amazing talent for ventriloquism, so I quietly whispered in Ryu Iden’s ear.

“…Cut off anything that says we’re close or rivals as much as possible so that we won’t be mentioned together in the future.”

Ryu Iden was still nodding with a smiling face after hearing my words. As expected of a human whose abilities are focused on sociability.