You Have Been Defended [EN]: Chapter 460

You Have Been Defended – Episode 461

The statement that she was going to die sounded as casual as saying salmon would be for breakfast tomorrow.

I had only met Kim Mi-ja once, but the images that remained with me were mostly emotional byproducts left by her anxiety.

Although she had said she had attempted suicide before, she seemed to have a strong desire for life back then.

So, she knelt down and clung to me, appealing to my emotions to protect what she had now.

But in a place where I couldn’t see, what on earth was Kim Mi-ja thinking?

In what direction and in what way did her thoughts stretch out to reach the death she had buried in the past?

“Ms. Kim Mi-ja.”

─I hope you won’t say the cliché that I shouldn’t die.

“…If not that, what can I say right now?”

─Hmm… Will you wish me a blessed afterlife? Or you can leave a kind word that I hope the pain will be less when I die.

I had dissuaded people from attempting suicide several times.

I succeeded in every case.

The reason that was possible was because I was by their side in all those moments, and I could interfere with their attempts in some way.

But Kim Mi-ja is not by my side now.

Even if I go to Incheon right now, take the fastest plane, and go to Japan, I don’t know where Kim Mi-ja lives, so I can’t stop her.

No, even if I knew, there’s no way to enter that house except by barging in.

But even if I do that, if Kim Mi-ja dies in a place other than that house, all those attempts will be in vain.

Besides, Kim Mi-ja wasn’t going to die right away.

She’s planning to submit her resignation on Monday, send us the data, and then die.

I can’t call the Japanese police and tell them that Oda Satoshi’s wife is trying to commit suicide, so please stop her.

They wouldn’t believe it anyway, and the only thing they could do is contact Oda Satoshi and ask, ‘Is there such a fact?’ That would be all.

“Have you already decided?”

─Yes.

“I know you don’t want to hear it, but I still have to say it. You can’t.”

─Lawyer. This is the only way I can take care of my conscience, preserve my pride, and not worry about future troubles.

“If I give up exposing that, will you change your plan?”

─Are you going to give up?

“I’m just assuming.”

─No, I’ll still die.

“What’s the reason? You said you’ve never been so happy. You said you finally feel like you’re living like a human being.”

─It’s because of you, lawyer.

“……”

─I was desperately trying to ignore it. I was hypnotizing myself that the way I’m living now is the best. That this is happiness. But after meeting you, the hypnosis was broken. My conscience started to stir. The disgust of those people that I had barely killed came back to me. Not long ago, when Oda Satoshi took off my slip [a type of undergarment], I felt like I was going to throw up at his touch… I screamed without realizing it and got out of bed. I haven’t done that in nearly 10 years.

Kim Mi-ja spoke in a voice mixed with laughter, as if she were telling an interesting joke.

But I couldn’t laugh at that.

It’s true that I touched Kim Mi-ja.

It acted like a kind of stimulant.

And that was what I intended.

But the place she has arrived at now is the opposite of where I guided her.

─You told me to live like a human being, right? I’m dying to live like a human being.

“…Why is living like a human being dying? I wanted Kim Mi-ja to live like a human being in the future, not to die to live like a human being.”

─I’m a person who can’t live like a human being.

“Are you afraid that you’ll become poor if you’re not Oda Tomiko? Are you afraid that no one will love Kim Mi-ja knowing her past? Are you afraid of the criticism you’ll receive from the public? Please tell me the reason you came to that conclusion.”

─I don’t know if you’ll understand. I’m sure there’s also fear about that future. You seem to be a person who really knows why people’s thoughts reach that point.

“You said I know well, but I don’t know now.”

─Yes. You won’t know. You seem to think that there’s always a cause and effect in everything. But lawyer, sometimes… there are people who just want to do it simply because they want to.

“……”

─I just want to die. I don’t know why I should live. I just want to reveal everything and die heroically. I don’t want any more glory to see while living, I don’t want any more happiness than this, and I don’t want to live like this now.

From the words that she wanted to reveal everything and die heroically, I got a slight hint.

She doesn’t seem to want to lose the image she showed to the public while alive.

Like a general who is contemplating whether to pursue practical benefits in life instead of returning defeated from the war, or to fight heroically and die.

But the above consideration requires the premise that ‘the war will definitely be lost’.

So, she means that she is already assuming the result of defeat.

Unlike my expectations, she was fighting a different war from me.

My war is to invade the castle called Wooshin, and the victory or defeat has not yet been decided.

I naturally thought that she was also on the same battlefield as me, and therefore, I thought that if we won, we could pursue honorable practical benefits.

But her war was to protect the castle called ‘the image she has built up so far’.

The image she has built up so far is ‘an elegant and flawless woman who graduated with a doctorate from Youngjin Women’s University and became a professor at a young age, exerting a great influence on the Japanese art world’.

Whether she joins me or remains on Oda Satoshi’s side, her castle will soon collapse.

So, what Kim Mi-ja chose was to create a new image of a person who tried to reveal everything and break down the irrationality, and to create a situation where she doesn’t have to directly see the collapse of the refined image she has built up so far.

After she dies, she won’t be able to hear what others are saying about her.

And her death will be packaged as sublime.

─Why, what should I live for? Tell me other reasons besides the dignity of life.

“Ms. Kim Mi-ja.”

─I have nothing I want to protect. All I have as family is my husband and children I didn’t give birth to… I’m disgusted with my husband now, and the children are disgusted with me. I hate those kids too. I’m just living because I have to live together. Job? I don’t know anything about art anyway. I don’t have a great sense of mission to teach children. Money? That’s not mine anyway. It’s all Oda Satoshi’s. I’ve only been living intoxicated by the feeling that I’m something while watching others admire me. But now that’s not possible either.

There were many things I could say, such as that image is nothing, that the Internet and television are just a world that disappears if you don’t watch them, and that people are less interested in others than you think.

But I didn’t know if I could say that now.

It would be good if she reversed her decision after hearing those words, but on the contrary, wouldn’t it be possible that she would think that I am a person who cannot empathize with her?

In a situation where I couldn’t know where the accident would go, I was careful even to utter each word.

But I had to use some method.

I had a feeling that her telling me about her suicide plan might be a kind of rescue request.

If she was really full of desire to die, if she didn’t want anyone to interfere with her path to death, wouldn’t there be no reason to call me?

She could just die quietly and send the data to my email or the address of the office, which can be easily found on the Internet.

So, she wants to die but also wants me to stop her.

This much was certain.

So I have to stop her.

“Let’s meet and talk first.”

I need to buy some time.

Before she hardens her heart by rashly opening her mouth right now, I’d like to get at least a promise to postpone it.

─Meeting you won’t change my mind.

“To be honest, I want to persuade you. But all I can say is what I’ve already said to you. Shouldn’t you live the lives of ordinary people, which you haven’t experienced yet, even once…? That it might be happier than you expected, and that you might think you did well not to die when that time comes.”

─That kind of life may come. But on the contrary, it may not come. Maybe now is the happiest moment of my life. I could fall further down. I don’t want to go through any more pain because of something that is not certain.

“Then die then.”

Persuading someone to postpone death rather than vaguely telling them not to die is more appealing to someone at risk of suicide.

I persuaded Kim Jung-woo in this way too.

Of course, the lie that I confessed that I would kill Kim Jung-woo seemed to have worked more at that time, but what else should I do?

“If you’ve tried everything and you feel like you’re going to hell, then die then.”

─I went to a shrine a while ago. Have you ever been to a shrine? You can draw a fortune there. I got a very bad omen. It was too ominous. Usually, if I got a bad omen, I would just tie it to a tree and leave, but it was too ominous, so I went to see an astrologer. I sometimes see fortunes. Oh, in Japan, they see a lot of Western fortunes. I don’t think astrology is famous in Korea, but I want to tell you that I didn’t go to see a strange fortune.

“……”

─I have a feeling you don’t believe in fortunes, but I believe in them quite a bit. I always go to see them when I have important things to do. Do you know why I see fortunes?

“I don’t know.”

─If a person is too anxious, they want to know the future even like that. The future that is coming is too scary, but I have no way to know it now, so I want to know it even like that. Originally, I didn’t believe in fortunes either. Anyway, so, do you know what I asked?

“What did you ask?”

─I asked if I could be happier than I am now.

“What did they say?”

─They said that now is the maximum of my life.

As she said, I don’t believe in fortunes.

Therefore, I think that the reason why that astrologer said that is probably because they answered based on her social position and everything she enjoys that is currently known to the public.

“Does that person see fortunes well? You said you always go to see them before important things, so they must have always been right, right?”

─Yes. They were.

“As you said, I don’t believe in fortunes. But I’m curious. Since they’re so good at predicting.”

─Shall I tell you where it is?

“Yes. But I can’t speak Japanese. You’ll have to go with me and interpret what that person says.”

Kim Mi-ja chuckled at my words.

─Lawyer. You’re buying time, aren’t you?

“That’s right.”

─My mind is firm. As you said, there may be happiness that I haven’t experienced somewhere in the future. But I don’t want to start a difficult journey to get something that I don’t know if it will exist or not. Lawyer, be cold. You’ll get what you want. I said I’d give you all the data I can secure. And I’m going to die at the best moment as I want. I get what I want, and you get what you want.

It’s the first time I’ve been told to be cold to others.

I’ve heard the words to stop being cold, but never to be cold.

“Ms. Kim Mi-ja. Why do you think I only want to get data from you?”

─Then what else do you want?

“I hope that no one suffers and is harmed because of Wooshin. That’s why I wanted to get data from you. It won’t end unless Wooshin collapses. I’m trying to break this terrible cycle. But if you die, I’ll be in a situation where the purpose and means are reversed. I’m making someone who was harmed by Wooshin die in order to catch Wooshin.”

─You’re trying to instill guilt in me.

“Ms. Kim Mi-ja. You can die anytime. To be blunt, even if I keep talking, can’t you just put down the phone for a moment and die in some way? You don’t need money or honor to die. You just need a little time, effort, and space. Just because you delay the date of execution doesn’t mean you won’t be able to die in the future. Unless you don’t want to live so much that it’s hard to endure even 1 second right now…”

─……

“Think of it as being deceived and give me a little time. I’ll somehow create a reason for you to live.”

─I can’t promise.

“……”

─My mind has changed dozens of times a day. It was so unbearable that I decided to die. And then I felt at ease. I don’t know how long this peace of mind will last. If I become unbearably painful again, I’ll die then. I was originally going to die on Monday night. I wanted to say goodbye to the people I was grateful to at school and the gallery at least. I’ll try to endure until this week. Naturally, if you’re going to go see a fortune with me, you’ll have to come to Japan within this week, right?

“I’ll go within this week.”

─How kind.

Kim Mi-ja chuckled.

If someone who knew how I felt right now said those words, I should be annoyed, but strangely, I wasn’t.

It wasn’t sarcastic, but it seemed like she really felt that way.

─I thought you were really cold when I first saw you. No, I thought you were not just cold, but a cold-blooded person. But now I see that’s not true.

“Is that so.”

─If you come to Japan this week, I’ll give you my necklace.

“Necklace?”

─Yes. It’s the first thing I bought with money I earned in a way other than prostitution. When I die, please take that necklace to the place where I was born. There’s a beautiful sea there. It’s an island, so it’s surrounded by the sea, but what’s important here is that you have to go to the west sea. You have to throw it towards the West Sea.

“What’s the reason?”

─It’s the opposite side of Japan. Please throw my necklace there. It would be nice if I could scatter my ashes, but I don’t think that’s possible. If I’m born again, I’ll be born with my back to Korea and Japan.

“Where were you born?”

─Baekgeumdo.

“I’ll have to check which direction the currents of Baekgeumdo flow and throw it in a direction that doesn’t flow to Japan.”

─Haha, that’s right.

“It would be better if you threw it yourself.”

Kim Mi-ja smiled bitterly at my words.

─Ah, I shouldn’t have called you.

“Why do you think so?”

─If I hadn’t called, I could have died on Monday. Hmm… I’ll hang up now. It’s very late. I’m sorry for holding you up until this time.

Kim Mi-ja hung up without even listening to my answer.

I blankly stared at the phone that had been disconnected.

I realize once again at this moment that I am a lacking person in many ways.

While proudly proclaiming that I will make sure that there are no people harmed by Wooshin, I deeply reflect on whether there were any people harmed by me.